On First Read:
This makes me really sad for some reason. Did she leave him? Did she die? There are so many unanswered questions here that leave me a bit melancholy on the inside. Since I don't know why she is gone, I have a hard time putting my finger on what I feel.
On Second Read:
Okay, now I'm really unsure how I feel. I get the feeling our narrator did something to her because he is okay with her being gone ... and also because we see him laughing in the beginning. I believe poetry is a chunk which should pound upon your heart, or at least try to rub a peeping hole on the grimy windows of Memory ... which is the reason I am searching out how I feel. It is kind of good that this poem makes me search a little further.
On Third Read:
Since this is free-verse, you do not need to stay within the confines of form ... which you fulfill nicely; however, the use of too many periods stops me from going with your flow. Perhaps periods are your signature for poetry ... if not, then please consider a semi-colon. I love them because they invite me to pause a bit longer than a comma, yet don't trip me like a period.
Not a bad poem. Keep writing and polishing. I'd like to read a final draft.
Okay, this is the first five-star I have given and you definately deserve it.
What a great piece of writing. I could find naught wrong with this at all. You caught my attention right away, and even though there was little action after Darren came running into the sanctuary (aside from the screeching doctor's car), you still retained my interest. I believe you captured the plot well, although your climax and denouement is a bit anticlimactic, I still enjoyed the read.
I recently interviewed a psychic/medium/healer for an article I wrote and she had a visit from her guardian angel. Her angel, Celia, helped her during a time when she needed help the most - guidance through a life choice. Perhaps if you added that, you might gain a bit at the end ...
However, I think you wrote with style, conviction and an obvious talent.
Thanks so much for a great commentary! Not only is it well-rounded - I believe you mentioned darn near everything related to reading/reviewing/rating - it is well-constructed. I find no errors of syntax, spelling, or structure.
Your commentary flows naturally from one topic to another and you solidly support your main ideas - that of equality, fairness and honesty in the entire reading process.
As a Newbie, I was encouraged to read the Comment-In-A-Box, which corresponds to your article. I was afraid I was reviewing too low, but your article, combined with the above-mentioned, helped me to see I am being fair and kind -- just as I wish readers to reciprocate with my work.
Well done!
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