This was good! It even had me a bit scared! Really I may have nightmares now . I like the way you pulled me into the story from the beginning all the way to the end. Now I want to know the... rest of the story! I just cannot say enough about this, good plot, good story, very descriptive, good opening and a good cliff hanger ending.
Overall I feel you have a good plot. I do feel each section is not long enough and drops off. For example, “What I am trying to say is that we don’t want to fight you. But we will.” Then it tells no more of the bandits and goes straight into the part “It has taken us almost a month to get here. I feel the story is not leading up to the next section as a good "Flow". Try adding more to the story. Give detailed descriptions of each character (what they look like, age, their wardrobe). Put a little "action" into it such as "with shaky hands". Remember your characters are kids trying to be adults. Put a little "Kid" into the characters as well as the adult aspect. Overall like I said you have a good plot going. Nurture and build your characters a little more and make the transition into each "section" a little more smooth. Tell me what happens leading up to the next section. Remember write, then write some more.
Intriguing. It definitely got me wondering and thinking. Closed locked doors that's where secrets should stay. Definitely liked it but could have used just a little bit more description or depth. Keep trying.
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. I like the way you pulled me into the story from the beginning all the way to the end. Now I want to know the... rest of the story! I just cannot say enough about this, good plot, good story, very descriptive, good opening and a good cliff hanger ending.
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