Hi There,
I enjoyed the work and have a few things that occurred to me personally which I hope are of use.
My prime concern is that I don’t feel very much of your initial character. While you have commentary and description I don’t feel anything from this person.
For me she must feel angered when being chased away, afraid, pensive, worried, desperate, spiteful, defiant, and I don’t get the sense of what they are feeling from your style.
I get the impression she is female although when the man calls her “boy” and then later her friend uses the attachment “man” in his dialogue to her, I did find myself double checking gender once or twice, just for note maybe you intended it that way.
“A young man came up behind her and pushed her aside. His clothes were spotless, hers grubby.”
Take this moment for example. I’d have rather she was barged aside and muttered a curse at him, or glowered at him, shuddered nervously, something to tell me how she feels in her situation and how the world around presses on her.
“When she didn’t move immediately he stood, intent on chasing her away, she didn’t wait any longer. She raced down the street and turned the corner. No footfalls followed her and she stopped running.”
Or here, for me, its comment when it could have been emotional. I would like her to “Freeze and watch” or “Stand defiantly” for a moment before he chases her, again I’d like to know her emotions and what motivates her action.
Does she run because she’s scared? I´m guessing yes but I feel it would mean more to me if I didn’t have to guess this. Should I empathise with her or with the man here, you haven´t made that choice for me and I’m left outside as a reader.
If I start here
“Two more people exited, bumping into her.”
And end a couple of paragraphs away
“Female nobodies were often abused, and their complaints would always go unattended by officials.”
A lot has been said of the girls economic and life situation and yet you haven´t told me anything of how she actually feels. This leaves me without empathy for her, so if you kill her or do whatever to her, I’m not going to care really because you haven´t given me anything to attach to, or to like or dislike about her.
"Coco asked, a Farren unknown who sometimes shared the deserted second floor of the Ictra Building."
This part catches me wrong and I had to re-read to double check the data. For a moment I thought he was asking “A Farren unknown” as opposed to being one. Again I might have just said he asked, or used the speech to give him an emotion and told who he was later, there’s no need to introduce him right after he speaks.
I hope this is useful and please be aware there are many good points and many positives which I haven’t covered, I simply chose to focus my critique on an aspect that I feel could really change the depth of the piece.
I enjoyed when the dialogue kicked in and I felt much more interest in your characters and world there once I could feel a little of what they felt in their smiles and voices.
Overall, it´s interesting but maybe without really defining the characters emotions and only a brief spurt of action, it could read a little flat as a chapter.
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