Alyssa,
I read this yesterday and wrote the review and my cat jumped on the keyboard and it went POOF:) So here I go again..
Ok, on first read I wanted to point out that if you use a WORD program to clean up spelling and grammer errors, this is a minor thing but important if you want to present your work for publication, editors and agencies loook down on work that is not polished and they see spelling typos and mistakes in word choices, as a first sign of not ready. A friend of mone who is an accomplished author gave me that advice as step one. I realize that English is possibly a "second" languaga to you, but you choose it so cleaning it up is prioity one, but not a big issue..two exapmles that broke the flow.. "I sat on a small stool as my brothers and uncle’s set up the ten" Here you mean tent, but see how a reader might pause here? Secondly, this verb mix up.."I slowly began to wonder among the other booths" At first I wondered if this wasn't a mistake but you follow up with the verb wonder in the right context so I get that you meant wander...
Ok, the second point and again a teacher advised a fellow class mate of mine that was writing a cultural Vietnamese story, in English but inserting the Vietnamese language here and ther and putting the english eqivalent in (). The advice was stick to the language the piece is centered on. So like in this choice of your, " “Che e’ andato male (What went wrong)?”; I would follow that advice...however I must say you ending, using the Italian is such a way that we marvel at the beauty of the phrase and then are let into whta it means works WONDERFULLY and would not change that at all as it gives the flavor of her culture, but as an illumination and not a break in structure of the overall story.
Lastly, I thought the jump to old age was abrupt. Made me stop a couple sentences in and go, HUH? :)
I think just rounding out the transition from the maiden behind the scenes to perhaps some mature scenes then to the last ones which are lovely and I really thought the end to this work was strong and well done indeed and made me feel exactly what you were intending the message of the culture, the patience and acceptance of the woman to be "behond" the scenes though maybe she always felt sad that only men could be the creators, but in the end her reflection, the POV you use and the omagery of the glass and th sea sounds mixing, were fantastic. With a little more work I see this as well worthy of publication and a fantastci insight into a world I knew nothing of, but your made me feel easily invited and I came away with a piece of that culture in me. That is the goal of such a work, like a period theme, the reader wants to feel included and not outside..and you did that so eloquently. I think you should stretch it, give more, it is shhort and effective but I see a larger possibility in more, of this character, her son? Some more things she bears and overcomes like the loss of the Lion at the competition and how really did it effect the family. Also, I wondered why you made a point that the Square of the masterpiece, the minature representation of Sna Marco, was strongly mentioned, I was anticipating him winning on this whenshe saw it insignificant but you shifted to a "burial" and a total defeat. Just made me think a lot about what the square was wanting to tell the reader. Overall, I see beauty, good foundation and a unique story with color, good imagery and potential! Please write more :)
Blessings,
Kelly |
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