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Review of The Holiday House  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First Impression: This was long, and a bit surface level but not bad.



Suggestions: I would have loved to have known what the connection between him and Kathryn was. I loved that he was there for her and how sweet he was to her, but what was lacking was why. Without the motivation it is very surface level writing, there is nothing really deep about it. I didn't understand the character of Kathryn, obviously she was mentally ill in some way, but how and why? What was wrong with her? Where was she living etc. These little details all add up to something very important in the story...even a short story.


Things I really liked: I liked the way he was there for her. The relationship between the two main characters was stellar. I just would have liked to see more of the dynamic and the details between them...it would have given the story a lot more depth.


Final Comments: I liked this story, I thought it was a good topic, and that you wrote it well for a short story. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*
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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there. I am reviewing you for the Power Reviewers Raid. Good Luck in the Quill Awards.


First Impression: This is so deep and emotional! I could relate to it very well, so well it brought tears to my eyes.



Suggestions: I am not sure what the numerals depicted, and in a way they kind of distracted me. Otherwise this was such a wonderful poem.


Things I really liked: I liked the feeling behind the words. I think you wrote this so well, I could tell that this was so honest and so real. You are so totally not alone and not the only one who has felt this way. I promise you. Reading this gave me encouragement because so many times when I have felt this way, I have felt that no one else understood me, so it gave me a feeling of being understood. I appreciated that, and that is what writing is all about to me!


Final Comments: This is fabulous! Great job and good luck once again in the Quill awards!

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there. I am reviewing you for the Power Reviewers Raid. Good Luck in the Sweethearts Contest!

First Impression: This poem is so awesome. As a woman, I can honestly say, that if all guys were so honest, more women would be totally happy lol.



Suggestions:I really don't have any. I think this was very well written.


Things I really liked:I loved the rhyme scheme, the repetition of {"I'm not that guy" and then the change at the end to "I'll try" I love the raw honesty of everything you can't do...and not meaning that you couldn't but that you aren't willing to make promises. I think this was honest and sincere and just really beautiful. /c}


Final Comments: This is a definite winner in my eyes. You did a great job, and I thought that you got the title all wrong...this is one of the most romantic things I've read in a long time! Good luck once again in the contest!

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

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Review of A Mirror Image  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi there, I am reviewing your story for the Power Reviewers Raid. Good Luck in the Psychological Story Contest!

First Impression: This story was very well written, however it is a storyline that I have seen before so I kind of anticipated the end. I didn't find it unique for a psychological story.



Suggestions: I realize you only had two pages to work with and that makes it hard, however, I really didn't get a feel for this character or her motivation. At the end, it was not overly surprising to find that it was herself she was hurting or arguing with, yet, the motivation conclusion came out of nowhere, I only know this because of my background. I question whether or not an average reader would come to the same conclusion and if not, that leaves the reader in a place of wondering why this character acts the way she does, why the sister is so hateful...and then bam this seriously out of the blue ending. You said this was an assignment....and obviously now because it is a part of a contest, you could not edit it, but in the future, if you wished, it would be worthy of lengthening it because your writing is good, and the characters motivations are important even in a short piece. And I feel like to do this you don't even have to add a lot. Just a bit of emotion here and there, a memory here and there. Like when she asks for the drugs. You could add an internal thought about needing to forget the pain of the past. And when she is getting out of bed with him have inexplicable anger. Just little things like that give motivation and emotion in a short piece like this. They don't add a great deal of length, keeping it short, but add depth :)


Things I really liked: I liked the realism in your writing.


Final Comments: Good Luck in the contest and keep writing!!

Rating: {e star} *Star* *Star*

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Review of Pink Christmas  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there, I am reviewing you for the Power Reviewers Group Raid this weekend :)
First Impression: I was very interested in this story from the beginning. It was so well written and it drew me in with the descriptive way you write. I didn't anticipate that the girl she saw was a ghost and that was a nice twist.



Suggestions: What I felt was lacking was why this girl was so important to her. And why her daughters were not more involved in her life. I half wondered if this apparition was one of her daughters. In a way I was left with some unanswered questions. I think those could be rectified and you would have a stronger piece. However, I do like this story as is. If you were going to make changes, these are the things I would suggest taking into consideration.


Things I really liked: I really liked your way of describing the scenery. I felt like I was right there in the story. I could see the beautiful trees, the beautiful pink flowers, and almost feel the cold of December. You wrote so beautifully I could just place myself there and that was what really drew me into this story.


Final Comments: I enjoyed this piece so much! Good luck in the Quill Awards and Keep writing!!

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
First Impression: I really hope this is a true story because it is so sweet it just has me grinning from ear to ear!



Suggestions: None, you have written it very well. It is a great little story :)


Things I really liked: I love the humor written into this, yet at the same time I can still sense that it was written with great tenderness and love for your wife. I liked the pace...once it got going, you got right into it and the humor kept going and it didn't slow even for a moment until the very end. And your ending was just wonderful :)


Final Comments: This was beautiful! And you're right, that is truly what love is! :)

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

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Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
center}First Impression: This is a really nice poem that as a writer I can greatly appreciate.


Suggestions:none, I think that you wrote it very well.


Things I really liked: I liked your rhyming scheme, and the way the poem flowed. It was a nice quick poem that had great meaning and it was cute. I think I will print this one out and tape it to my wall for the nights that I can't sleep :)


Final Comments: Great job, I found it very inspirational and I'm glad that I came across it!!

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Remembering your first chapter, I really think that this one falls short. It doesn't really give me anything new...It is awfully short, and it ends at a choppy place. I would have liked to have seen something new happen between him and his lady love, and something more than just his arrival at her home and the description of what he is seeing. That isn't a chapter, there didn't seem to be a beginning, middle and end to the chapter, this seemed like more of a scene to a chapter than a chapter in and of itself. I still look forward to reading more, I am just not sure that this chapter in and of itself can stand alone and I suggest that you consider adding to it and giving it a little more meat and storyline :)

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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
First Impression: This is a beautifully written introspective.



Suggestions:none, you have done an awesome job with this


Things I really liked: I never dreamed that a short introspective about a dragon could be used to related to how people could feel when they are outcast. However, I really related this to people, because everyone is unique in their own abilities. People have different talents and gifts, and sometimes people are cast out for those things, just as the dragon was...and though they are very unique and gifted, they can be the lonliest of people...and I think that your piece really shows that.


Final Comments: This is such a wonderful little writing, I enjoyed it so much, and I'm very glad that I came across it!



Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*



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Review of God's Telephone  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First Impression: I was really intrigued by the title. I lost someone about two years ago and I've wished for so long to get a call like this from him just to know he was okay. To know that God had a telephone....I thought this was a beautiful and uplifting idea, and the story was so emotional I had tears in my eyes and could really feel for her as a mother. But then when she got that call I could feel the power of it and how it would have brought her peace. I really liked that.



Suggestions: You used the word wanna' and there should not be an apostrophe in this word. Mechanically that is the only thing I saw that needed rectifying. As for characterization, I would like to have known earlier in the story that the father had passed on. I felt like that was important in why the mother was taking anti-anxiety medication and even in why she might have felt the way she did about her son...kind of a feeling of exhaustion for a very active and creative son....Knowing that the father died might also be important in knowing why the son is the way he is. Is he making up for not having a father with the way he acts or has he always been that way? That was pretty much the only major question I had, otherwise I didn't see anything that I would change.



Things I really liked: I really liked the theme of this story. The idea of having the son call from God's Telephone to give his mother strength. I thought that was so great and I could feel the mother's emotions when her son died. The dialogue between her and the police officers was excellent. You did a wonderful job with your descriptions and with explaining how the son behaved and how the mother felt. I had a good visual of everything going on throughout this story and I really liked that.



Final Comments: This is so well written, and I enjoyed it very much! Great job! I just love your writing :)



Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and 1/2 stars


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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
First Impression: This is a cute poem that shows exasperation with a bad morning.



Suggestions: In some places the rhyming seems forced. It is possible that you could find some easier rhymes that would fit just as well in the poem. For example: Finally at the office,
They’re wishing you Good Morning,
But underneath the surface
A frown you’re still adorning. You could modify to: Finally at the office, Co-workers offer greetings, But underneath the surface, You'd like to give them a beating... something to that effect. Simple word changes can make for easier rhymes that improve your flow...but that is just my personal taste and opinion, it is not bad the way it is at all.


Things I really liked: The humor of this piece. It made me smile and I thank you for that!


Final Comments: I really enjoyed your humor and writing. Thank you so much for sharing.

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* and 1/2 stars

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Review of Words  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
First Impression: I chose this because I hate the way language has become so misused today, so the idea of a poem about language intrigued me. My ten year old recently wrote a paper and actually put LOL and and OMG in the paper, and I had to have a long talk with her about real language and not ever including internet language in a school paper lol. I think more works like this need to exist.



Suggestions: None this was really good!


Things I really liked: I liked the flow of this piece. I liked the way you laid it out and made it simple to understand without using big words or getting corny. It was just a really good piece about language and I appreciated it!


Final Comments: Really wonderful job! I'm glad I read this piece!



Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*



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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First Impression: This was a wonderfully sweet and emotional story. It was well written and flowed very well.



Suggestions: I would have liked to have read how they met, and why she was no longer allowed to talk to him. Her break up with him was rather abrupt and that kind of left me scratching my head. I think a little back story on both of them would have benefited the story. I also think that a little bit of her POV would have been good too because again we don't know what she was thinking and why she just suddenly cut off their relationship, or why she came back.


Things I really liked: I liked his emotion. I think his emotion was very real and very believable. Having actually been in this situation where I was with someone (online) and actually went overseas to meet them and they just suddenly cut ties with me...I spent a long time wishing for them to come back....I know that longing. I liked that he couldn't sleep and thought it was a dream...and I really liked the ending, how finally they were going to meet. I think that was just the perfect ending.


Final Comments: Although I believe that there are some things that need to be added to make this story complete, I feel like you did a really great job with this. I feel like you really displayed the emotions in this piece so great! I enjoyed reading your work and look forward to reading more :)



Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*



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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First Impression: This is a very personal and powerful poem. The honesty of what you say is so raw and real that it really drew me in.



Suggestions: none. I think this was written just perfectly.


Things I really liked: I liked the rawness of what you wrote. There is a lot of power in your words and you can tell that this was a real struggle for you. There is so much honesty in what you say. And I love how you describe going from the throes of addiction to getting stronger and leaving it behind, but always reminding the reader that it's there and it always will be there. It's something that you have to maintain strength to fight, and that came across so well in your poem.


Final Comments:You are a very strong person to have overcome addiction, and to write such a poem shows your strength. This is a beautifully honest look at addiction and I loved it. Great job!


Rating:*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*


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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
First Impression: Very unbelievable and unrelatable characters. This story is trying to portray a rich teen, but it is way overdone, and the things described in it, are not unlikely, but next to impossible.



Suggestions:Un-popular should be unpopular. uk should be UK. If you are publishing in America, you want to use American English so spoilt should be spoiled.numbers should be spelled out. Words like Cutsiest don't exist, stick to words like cutest. Central heat in a tree house? Ordering Curry at 3 am? How old are these kids?




Things I really liked: I'm sorry, but I can't say there was anything I really liked about this story. It was way too overdone and unrealistic.




Final Comments: With all this said, don't give up writing! Remember less is more. You need to make your characters relatable to people who will be reading it. If you have a totally unsympathetic character, and things that are totally off the wall next to impossible, readers can't really envision that. Really try to capture who your character is, what they're dilemma is and where you want to take them throughout the story. Every idea has potential and every rough draft goes through many revisions before it is ready to go. So don't give up! And remember this is only my opinion!



Rating: *Star* *Star*



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Review of Alabama Leak  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First Impression: A short story that tries way too hard to be memorable and funny that it ends up being cheesy.



Suggestions:subtly is so much better. This story is so full of places where you try way too hard to be memorable...for example..."The water doesn't matter and maybe neither do I but to continue dripping and dropping through life as it passes by with a mournful wail like the 10 o'clock train headed for Texas. " You lay it on so thick that this just makes me want to stop reading as opposed to reading on...and this is at the very beginning. I would suggest reworking this and going for subtle humor and maybe a little more length because there is humor here, and it is a good piece, just a little cliche and thick on the I'm going to force myself upon you and you are going to know it.


Things I really liked: I liked that you approached this with vigor and in your description you said you used to think this was your masterpiece...I don't think that it is so much that it isn't your masterpiece or that it isn't good as it is that it just needs a bit of a toning down :) This is a really good writing!


Final Comments: Laughter is the best medicine, and anything that makes you laugh is definitely a masterpiece. It takes someone special to write things that truly make you laugh. And you did make me laugh. That is a good thing. This shows a lot of promise and I'm glad that I chose it to read :)

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I would love to become a member!
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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a beautiful poem of love that doesn't need to be shown by commercialized items, but simple memories, and treasured moments with the one you love. I don't see anything that needs to be changed. It is simple, it is beautiful and it is a gift in and of itself. Wonderful job.

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Review of Bullying  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.0)

First Impression: You have a rough draft of an opinion piece, but it is in need of a lot of editing.



Suggestions:In your opening, I would suggest phrasing it like this: I hate bullying. It is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. The way you currently have it phrased is wordy, and distracting. 2nd sentence I still can't understand people...remove the still it is an unnecessary word. Then at the end of the sentence remove the word people and just say others. Next sentence, remove the comma and say because they are jealous or because they like it." I did that, they can try to kill themselves, I try that to. And they can just kill themselves." At the end of this sentence it should be "I tried that too" "I have known people that I was really friends to and kill themselves because of bullying." This needs to be rephrased to: I have known people that I was really friends with who killed themselves due to bullying." "I really think it should stop, it really hurt people." Rephrase to: "Bullying needs to stop because it really hurts people."

In the next paragraph...take out the you know at the end of the first paragraph. In the next sentence remove the really before difficult to stop. Next sentence you need an s on the end of problems."But if you are suffering from bullying and reading this you should know that thing does get better." The word does needs to be do.


Things I really liked: I like the statement you are making, it is something that needs to be heard over and over again.



Final Comments: While I wish I could rate this piece much higher, there are many errors in this piece. You need to go through and clean up the mistakes that are in this writing. I also felt that there was so much more to say as this is something that was obviously very personal and when it's personal there is always a story to tell. For me it lacked a lot of emotion because you kept referring to it happening to you, but you didn't tell your story. I would like to reread and rerate this item once edited.


Rating: *Star* *Star*



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20
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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
First Impression: I was expecting something a little bit longer, but I liked that this was just a short honest piece about what makes you feel at peace. .



Suggestions: My first suggestion would be for the flow of the writing, and if you take the very last line and use it as your opening line I think it would work a lot better. Your last line seems to be more of an introduction than a closing line. And then you have just before that, "After I send my Prayer(s) to Her, I feel free and calm. I think that is a great ending. My second suggestion would be to take out the (i.e anger, hatred) I don't think it is needed. Most people would have an idea what negativity is, or have their idea of what negativity is...and it isn't needed to state it. It flows better to leave it out. Lastly, I wonder if it is necessary to specify exactly what CD works best for you, mostly because I don't know that everyone would know Shiloh and you've already said you prefer soft music, and you can continue with it is soothing to your soul.


Things I really liked: I liked that this was just a pure simple honest writing about you and how you feel. It was so simple and honest that it let me know a little bit about you without being complicated or letting me know too much. It was something I could relate to, and something I could definitely understand.


Final Comments: I think that this is a good piece that with a little tweaking here and there will be just a perfect little slice of who you are, and that is what writing is all about! Great job!

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* and 1/2 stars

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Review of The Sound  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First Impression: You write incredibly formally at times, and it ruined the flow of this piece for me. There were many extra words, especially in dialogue which added formality to the character, and given that this is a college aged character it seemed out of place. For example: "I'm looking forward to living here. Four years in a dorm is quite enough. I've got a couple of weeks before I start my new job, so I plan to get settled as soon as possible and then enjoy chilling-out by the pool." The quite enough is way too formal. Just saying enough is plenty and it is way less formal. And he is giving so much information to this landlord...why? It didn't make sense to me why he gave so much information to this landlord. I get that he is polite, and maybe even a little nerdy...crazy, but even still to that point, it doesn't seem to me that he would be sharing his business with some strange landlord that he didn't seem to like to begin with.



Suggestions: You over use italics quite a bit. When you use italics so much, it takes away from the power of them. Use of such things as italics em dashes and elipses are things that give pause, emphasis etc...and overuse makes them lose the power for which they are made for. When you have them in every paragraph the readers eye begins to skip over them and therefore what you want emphasized is not. You cannot substitute with capital letters so the only option is to really be choosy with your italics.


Things I really liked: I enjoyed your characterization. I think you really had a handle on who these characters were and you wrote them well. I didn't have any questions about who they were, what they were about, or what their motives were. You were very clear about all of them, and I was happy to see that, in short stories that can be difficult and I feel like you did an excellent job of that here.


Final Comments: Overall this is a great story that I am glad I found. While there are some things that need work, I think this story is very well written and that you had a very strong plot, and very strong characters to draw on. I really enjoyed your writing, and look forward to reading more in the future!

Rating: *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

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22
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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is so incredibly powerful and so sad at the same time! It is a wonderful tribute to all children who perish and the grieving families left behind. I think you did a beautiful job in writing it! "Behold the premature youth, wasted at what cost
A leader or a scientist, who knows what the world lost
On humanity dawns the painful realization
That they were the hope of an entire civilization" This is my favorite stanza and it is so true. We have lost so much in senseless tragedy!

Great job!


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Review of Beginning to End  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, you have written a lovely and inspirational poem. This really stands out to me because it is so well written and it is so honest. I like the way the poem flows and the rhyme scheme of the poem. The biblical nature of the poem infused with the contemporary writing scheme really works well for me. I think it is a wonderful effort! Great job!


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Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is really good. I like her boldness and how she wouldn't let it go and how that led to a surprise ending. I felt sorry for her that she found out that way though. It's great that you can write such a short story that can really make a person feel for a character like that! I think that makes you a wonderful storyteller!


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Review of Stay  Open in new Window.
Review by KimbleBug Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Than an oyster their pearl (What about changing this line to "than an oyster with a pearl" your lack of grammar makes the line as it is awkward. So changing it makes it read smoother in a poem where you have opted for short grammarless lines.)

I like this poem, I think it flows well, I like the emotion and I definitely like the theme and feel that you wrote it very well. Love lost is a great and easy thing to write about.

The stanza's all ending with the same last line was not awkward to me as it can be in some poetry, in terms of this repetitive line and trying to find some kind of something to lead up to it..I think that it just flowed right up to each line.

The one line I pointed out is the only one I saw that I thought needed a real change, otherwise I thought you did a wonderful job.

My favorite line in this poem is: "
My mind dreams freely
My heart's in a whirl"

I think that is a beautiful line! :)

Take care and keep writing!!


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