So, first, ask yourself these questions in the first paragraph: Does the reader know the main protagonist? You could push it to the second or even third paragraph. Be careful of information dumping; it pulls the reader out of the story. To me, that is how you start. Also, I can’t tell who’s talking because I have not been introduced to the characters in a way; I remember who they are. but I don't know who the main protagonist is. Have I even been introduced to them?
One thing to remember is to show, don’t tell. What does that mean? So, if one of your characters is tall, instead of saying he is tall, say he had to duck to go through the door.
What is info dumping? Well, it gives a lot of info about the world you built, as the intent is to give the reader an idea of where they are. But the read does not about your world yet. You want to make them care about your character first and tell the story through their eyes in first-person, but it is not clear to me what Pov (point of view) you are going far.
I could go on, but I have said a lot here, and I want help, not overload you. Don’t feel bad; many writers have these issues.
this is a good start. keep working on it you will get it.
Overall, this is good, hopefully, for what is part of a bigger story. If this is to stand alone, a little more character development would be a good idea, as I felt lost in why Sam was asking how he would make a time machine. I know that he just got done watching Back to the Future, but why would someone who had already made a time machine ask just some random person how they would?
now for whats below
"You're kidding, right?" Sam snorted. "You're going to use that thing to erase my memory, just like-"
"Sam," the other interrupted, "not every device of the future is based on some science fiction film prop." The pen flashed. "But some are," he said, smiling to himself.
remember, your readers are intelligent, and if you get the character’s voices well. they will be able to tell a lot. and I think you do really well on voice
so instead of what you have above you could rewrite it like this.
"You're kidding? right?" Sam snorted. "You're going to use that thing to erase my memory, just like"
"Sam."
"Not every device of the future is based on some science fiction film prop." The pen flashed. "But some are," he said, smiling.
so, two things with this are that you are not telling your readers what is obvious. and done too much could pull your reader out of your story, which you don’t want to happen I believe you even could take out Sam Snorted
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