I really liked it. You have developed your own way of expression and what I liked about it was your ability to say a lot without the lavish use of words. Clever and easy-flowing, it is a truly enjoyable read. What I liked best was the first stanza/verse. Thanks for sharing
I liked it , it is strongly emotionally charged. Good choice of words and metaphors, the reader can sense the feelings inside of the character, what makes them lose their peace of mind, what they're fretting about. Maybe the poem is a kind of scream, the only one the character can think of or is capable of, as they feel helpless and see no way out, trapped like a "bug in a jar". The poem echoes within the reader's mind as if the words were gunshots aimed at voicing the character's desperate need for understanding and sympathy, their protest against the blatant intrusion into their privacy. Maybe there is a lot that goes unsaid, and that's ok. A suggestion - maybe the flow needs some work, but, if you take it as a statement, flow is not that important, the unevenness lends more strength of expression.
So true and profound. I totally agree with you. It reminds me of an idea I had years ago - to write a piece called unreciprocated love - meaning when other people love you but you don't share their love for your own self, something like that.
I liked it - it is very sincere and direct. I enjoyed your style, there is something fresh and innovative about it. The line "When I laugh, I merely fake it." reminds me of a Fanta commercial. The rhythm is good. Good read, and quite meaningful at that:)
Powerful, piercing, and truthful. Good choice of words. Contradiction is what dominates the poem, in my opinion - "I abhor them yet they mesmerize" - this line has the essence. Maybe the attraction is so strong that the character feels threatened, afraid of what comes next and of the possibility to "loose ground", to loose control. At the same time he is eager to surrender to those eyes. One can feel the physical impossibility to resist the influence of these "ruthless eyes". A pair of eyes is much more powerful than all of the words one can utter. True. I liked the metaphor "whirlpools are your eyes".
Gently sad and beautiful. Sounds like daydreaming. Dreams are more exciting than realitiy. Dreams are prefect, flawless, unlike real life. Dreaming is what makes us feel alive, though
Very powerful! Although it was written in free verse or something of the kind one can feel the rhythm. Favourite line/stanza: "We thought that we would live forever and drilled holes in our heads
So the bullets could pass right through them."
What bewilders me is the line: When We get old we will still think that we will could live forever." Why have you written "we will could live forever"? Maybe you just forgot to delete one of the words, probably "could"? The next line also provokes some questions: "We will fill the holes we had made with absolution." - Why do you use past perfect tense "we had made"? Present perfect or maybe future perfect tense would be better.
I liked it because it is short yet powerful. Good use of expressive adjectives/participles, good rhythm. Favourite line: the beginning - "The night was dark yet lightning lit the scene." You have skillfully pictured a gloomy landscape of a scene. It feels dark indeed, but not that gloomy, though. This mighty elemental picture is too vivid to be desperate, and, as mentioned at the beginning - the lightning is bringing some hope to the whole scene, that is how I felt about it.
Gentle and sad, full of beautiful metaphors. One can tell that the author has experienced what they has written. I wonder if this poem is a longing for the irreversibly gone youth or a contemplating of a past full of sweet and vibrant memories at a time quiet and peaceful, full of love, fulfilment and gentle yet strong affection. A beautifully subtle metaphor: "the reason lies in the silence of a falling snow." - snow, which is too often used as a symbol of ageing, is now just touching upon the association with growing old.
I think that it is brilliant! Very poetic and beautiful, with good rhythm and structure. Not over-done, the message is easy to get and one can also indulge in the skillfullly drawn pictures and metaphors. Favourite part: "A power that cannot be weighed
or taken very light," Thank you for sharing!
Very gentle and reassuring, beautifully written. You draw spectacular landscapes and make the reader feel the breeze and hear the waves. Every word is in its place and the feeling is pleasant. It is like a perfect world where only love exists. But is that real? No, it isn't, but it's nice to have it when feeling down and disappointed with the real one. The poem is like a beautiful work of art which makes you feel better when look at it.
Quite touching. One can see how much you miss her. It is genuine and written without any pretentiousness - that is its main quality. I think you can add more details about your friend and the time you spent together - maybe you can write another poem because this one is ok also as it is now. However, you can try writing something with more rhymes and rhythm :)
I enjoyed the poem:) It gives the impression of controversial emotions and feelings struggling for dominance. However, the character is ready to give in, to surrender to the imprisonment of love, ready to pay what it takes. He has already made his decision and it is clear from the beginning that he will not abandon his loved one. He is just looking for an explanation, or trying to soothe his feelings, to speak out what is on his mind
I appreciate the feeling and rhythm, and loved the ending. Have you tried writing song lyrics? This piece is far deeper, of course, but could make a lovely balade. Sounds genuine and not that cliched to me :)
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