Every word in this short poem is a punch in the gut. I can feel how the narrator of the poem is disgusted and feeling hopeless about the situation. Each line almost reads like a bullet hitting a body. Thanks for sharing.
The poem definitely shows the secrecy of the couple's love. It's hard to hide a relationship. You'd like to share it with the world, but you have to keep it quiet for whatever reason. Sometimes this will tear the couple apart. At the end, the narrator wants to reveal all, but there's still a hesitation there. I could feel the secrecy, but still a hopeful possibility to publicly declare their love remains.
This is great, shaped like a teardrop (at first I thought it was a leaf). I feel the flowing of the teardrop, of it falling to help make the narrator feel better. We all need to cry now and again, just as the poem says, to cleanse and to release burdens. It's interesting imagery to think of teardrops.
This is not a line-by-line, word-by-word review. It is a review based on what was working in the story and what was not necessarily working in the story as I read through it.
Idea: The memory of an emotionally-neglected child is interesting to explore.
Editorial: Okay, this needs a little bit of work, in my opinion. For instance, I think it would be more impactful to arrange the first paragraph like this (my changes in <brackets>):
Once upon a time, there was a little boy who felt unloved even by his Mom and Dad.
<That little boy was me.>
<From an early age,>I could not remember anyone ever saying, “I love you.” Each day I woke with this hollowness in my heart, seemingly a permanent part of my being, my very soul.
Throughout, I think that some better word choices could be used, such as "shuffled across the backyard" instead of "dragged his feet," which is repetitious there.
I'm not sure that the paragraph about 4th grade really fits into the story.
I understand what the narrator is trying to do with "Today was "Art Day" at school," but I'm not sure if the tense change there is appropriate; the rest of the memory is written in past tense.
I thought that the repetitive use of phrases within commas was a little much, but perhaps repetition is what the narrator is trying to emphasize.
There are a few typos: Brady's should be Bradys. "Today was going to be special", not "Today was going to special." These two were obvious to me
Overall: I like the concept. I think this essay needs a some work to make it stronger. It reminds me of my own backyard swing set memories (but not the same feelings, though), so that was great to remember. I especially liked the narrator's use of flying.
I hope this review helps with any revisions. I would be happy to re-rate in the future. As always, this is just my opinion.
This is not a line-by-line, word-by-word review. It is a review based on what was working in the story and what was not necessarily working in the story as I read through it.
Idea: I enjoyed reading this poem, and I especially liked the title. The way you expressed the idea pleasantly surprised me a little bit because I wasn't sure what I would be reading based on the title alone.
Editorial: I didn't see any typographical errors. Since this is a free verse poem, I am not going to talk about the punctuation. The poet puts it where it needs to be. :)
Overall: I read this poem a few times, and I found something new to think about each time. I think that is what poetry does: it helps us think of unusual relations between things, using good word choices -- that little "aha!" moment.
Good job!
I hope this review helps with any revisions. I would be happy to re-rate in the future. As always, this is just my opinion.
This is not a line-by-line, word-by-word review. It is a review based on what was working in the story and what was not necessarily working in the story as I read through it.
Idea: I loved the idea in this story about the father and the son. I also liked how the two characters were very similar in mindset.
Editorial: I did not see anything too major regarding typos or grammatical errors. I appreciate the fact that you use paragraphs. :) In the beginning paragraph, I thought you repeated "boat" a couple of times; maybe you want to look at how to rewrite that paragraph. Also, murky water you describe as gray, but maybe gray-green would be better? Maybe you want to use the word "murky" instead of gray?
Overall: Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. My husband loves to fish and so I pictured him as the father character in the boat. Because I've been fishing with him, I can easily visualize the scene you are setting up.
Great job!
I hope this review helps with any revisions. I would be happy to re-rate in the future. As always, this is just my opinion.
I find this to be a quite inspirational Christian poem. I like how it rhymes, and I think it captures the essence of the Resurrection. Sometimes, I personally get so fixated on the Passion that I forget the Resurrection and how glorious it must have been on that day to see Jesus. Thanks for a great Sunday read.
This is a very sweet story! I love flea markets, so the beginning of the story took me right into the sights and sounds of the place. I could also empathize with the character's grief, as I have lost someone close to me in the past. Sometimes the unconditional love of an animal is the only thing that can help with grief.
I would suggest double-spacing between paragraphs to make this item easier to read.
This poem grabbed my attention from the "Read a Newbie" section in my sidebar.
I think this poem has potential. Love is an often-explored topic, and the narrator of this poem sounds like he or she has seen some stuff. :) One line I really liked was "However, we can't even spare the time". I also liked the rhymes.
However, the poem's last three lines didn't work for me. "afar," "that," and "mad" don't exactly rhyme and that took me out of the poem as I was reading, so you might want to re-examine those rhymes.
First of all, please don't be discouraged at this somewhat low rating. I think this is a good start. I can see the potential in the idea.
Idea: The idea is intriguing. Who is this rich man and who is he running from? what is in the stolen package?
Editorial: There are a few mechanical issues that need to be fixed, such as 'men' instead of 'man' in the second paragraph. I would also use 'luxurious' instead of luxury in the first paragraph. There are a lot more mechanical errors, so I will assume this is a rough draft.
Whoa, info dump! If this is an introductory chapter, there is A LOT to digest here. I think that the opening in the middle of the action is a good way to start out, but the second paragraph is a bit too much to get everything established. Perhaps this info could be spread out a bit?
Overall: I would probably read more of this story, if some of the above issues were fixed.
Interesting story. I felt myself going slightly crazy as the protagonist searched for the strange sound. I think you capture the protagonist's mental state from his OCD tendencies to his being accident-prone. I wonder if he hears the sound in his old dorm room. Maybe he doesn't like being alone.
I didn't see any typographical errors or any mechanical errors.
The story gave me shivers. Maybe I'm just a pushover for stories like this. I liked how you evoked the diner with description, and how you were able to flit back and forth from perspective to perspective without losing me. One typo needs fixing: "they were miniature vertions of their daddy," vertion should be version.
I voted for "About as much as I expected" because I don't R&R everything I read; I expect other people to be like me. Mostly I don't bother rating if I didn't like the item or there were too many errors to make it worth my while to review.
I would like brutally honest critiques, but not everyone does. Plus, stuff in my port is rarely a finished product. Mostly I keep works-in-progress in my port. People may not feel comfortable R&Ring unfinished work.
I don't like rating polls. :) Sometimes, the subject matter is just not rateable. :)
Anyway, I voted for "No, I'd rather give no rating than a bad rating" because I wouldn't want to crush a nascent writer's spirit. I don't even like giving 2s. So mostly I don't bother rating if I didn't like the item or there were too many errors to make it worth my while to review.
I figure people do the same to stuff in my portfolio.
This is a wonderful story! Great scene set-up, great description of the eagle and how it was taken care of, and at the end, I see how the narrator's own growing up can be seen in the eagle's final flight.
I would capitalize "eagle" in the title. In the next to last paragraph, I'm not sure what a "mother's old Luna" is.
This is an amusing vignette. However, I feel that it would be improved by showing the action rather than just narrating what happened. For instance, you can get rid of the description at the very top. You can show action through dialogue. Show how the grandpa follows along, using dialogue rather than narration.
I also wanted a better physical description of the grandparents. Like, did the woman have mean eyes? or something like that. Show don't tell. That would make this vignette even more alive.
I find a lot of interesting things to read here on the Plug Page. I can't believe I haven't rated and reviewed it before now, and I've been here a long time. I can always find some kind of piece that makes me think or whatever. I'm certainly glad it's here and easily accessible.
Wow. I like what you've written so far. You have a couple of spelling errors: "redended" should be "reddened," "silenct" should be "silent," "peacefull" should be "peaceful."
I look forward to reading more about this poor little boy and his mom.
One last thing: if I remember correctly, babies can barely hold their heads up at 3months. You might want to change the crawling at the age of 3 months to a few months later, and the walking to soon after that. 3 months seemed a bit unbelievable, even for a "genius" child.
Excellent writing, highlighting the free things available on w.com.
It is worth a mention that upgrades are constantly available through generous donators and by participating and winning contests.
I chose to purchase GPs to support the site and to upgrade my membership. I wanted more than just five items, but even if I had not chosen that option, I would have posted my best five works, in the hope that someone would upgrade me.
Good article! It flows better in the second half. The first four paragraphs seemed awkward. You might get rid of the first three paragraphs entirely. I don't think they add to the piece since they have nothing to do with the point you're trying to make.
I also noticed that you inconsistently capitalize Writing.com.
Overall, you make some good points about why a person should become a full member to the site. :)
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