Hi there. First of all you have some great winter/snow imagery--the following words/phrases really jumped out at me "glinting diamond" "muted silence" "groan of shifting layers".
But all I got from this was a great description, the last stanza seems like you are alluding to some conflict/tension but its not super clear to the reader, but I think if you made it clear, this poem would really pop.
Great job, keep up the writing!
Kendra
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I am a fan of autumn anyways, but I love this poem! I love how you describe the leaves as hands and that last stanza "The earth below is no help", it's great imagery. I like everything about this poem. One suggestion is in the third stanza "blistering cold breath tastes on their fingertips" the word "tastes" doesn't seem the right verb for the job, what about nibbles or something like that? Just a suggestion.
Hi there! I am a fan of short poetry full of punch and this definitely fits that description! I like how this poem shifts feeling so quickly, that is so much like what it feels like in a relationship.
I like your word choices, like "velvet" "caress" "embrace" and "holding them close" those all portray emotion in concrete ways.
The only suggestion I have is that you might not need the words "too late" in the second stanza. IN the stanza before that you "shatter on stone" and then in the secone stanza have the "dusty shards" so I think its obvious that it is too late for you not be be broken. Just a thought.
Otherwise, this is a beautifully written poem! I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up!
Write on
Kendra
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Ah, WD, Another wonderful story! So creative and different, and also well written.
The only thing I can complain about is that I didn't follow it too well, it could be my tendency to not read sci-fi, but still it was kind of "out there" for me. Otherwise, its really a great story! Excellent job!
Hello! Wow this really is a beautiful poem! The words you've chosen to use really portray the feeling of missing someone and the feel of heaven.
I especially liked:
These lines:
let your soul be free,
fly away on your glistering wings,
to a land not so grim,
love longer, than this life as short as day.
Love that never ends, that never fades away
The spacing on the last two lines, it breaks up the poem and gives it some depth.
Just a couple suggestions:
This line, Will we ever see of your kind? doesn't read well. I wasn't sure what you meant.
In the third stanza you start with the word, Tis which seems too old fashioned and cliche.
In the third stanza you also use the word "immortal" twice within two lines. It might be more interesting to use a different word that somehow describes the kiss or dance as lasting forever instead of the word immortal.
Again, you weave a story that gives me enough to get hooked and not leave until you've layed it all out. I think you have a great start here, sorry I dont have any more constructive advice than that!
I think this is very nicely written! The developing romance is sweet and I love the idea of the scent of honeydews! I did notice a couple spelling errors and weird word order, so all I would suggest is going back through it carefully for those things. Otherwise I thought it was very well done! Keep it up!
I think you've got a great start here. The only thing I would recommend is that in the first part of it when your main character tells about Medusa and the mirror and then thinks about the lockers--that part seems somewhat confusing and long. Maybe try to intersperse that with some of the action and dialogue? Otherwise you reall do have a good story here!
Well, I'm no expert in longer pieces of fiction, but it looks like you have a great start here. The plot is organized, the reader can follow it well and you've introduced a story that I think most people would want to keep reading to find out "what happens."
I did notice quite a few spelling and verb tense errors. I would go back through it carefully and fix those, keep the story going, and you'll have a great piece!!
Good job! Keep writing!
-Kendra
Wow, this is a very personal, emotional piece. I like the story it tells and how the narrator interacts with the different memories. I like how you describe him as Daddy and describe the difference between Daddy & Dad.
I found that I struggled a bit with the format though. For the most part this read more like a story to me adn less like a poem. It doesn't seem to have the vivid concrete images that a poem tends to have, but more of the narrative telling of a story. But then at other times the poetry form seemed to fit perfectly. That may be the effect you were going for, but it left me somewhat wanting.
I think its a great piece, though, thank you for sharing your memories!
This is a beautiful story! What a great correlation between the flower garden and God's garden. I love how you describe the flowers, I can really see, almost smell each one, and I'm not very knowledgeable in flowers! I didn't notice any spelling/grammar errors, but I do have just a couple suggestions:
1)In the first paragraph, you start off with 4 or 5 very short sentences. They are grammatically correct, but dont seem to fit in with the rest of that paragraph or the story stylewise. I'd suggest using some commas instead of periods, and making them a little more complex.
2)I absolutely love the little boy at the end and how she's so intrigued by him, but I found it hard to believe that she would jump to the conclusions she did about God's garden and the people she'd talked to being flowers. Possibly you need to introduce her spiritual beliefs earlier so the reader knows she's already thinking like that and this instance is like a refresher/eye opener. You do so well at explaining the garden and her experience there, the end and her conclusions just feels somewhat rushed.
I really liked this story! You've done a wonderful job of showing something that is sometimes hard to put into "practical terms".
Beautifully written poem! You use some wonderful images--my favorite is the first stanza with the "gossamer wings" and the "gulls crying". You blend the visual images with auditory to create quite the picture! This peice gives me a sense of sadness, you describe the mariner so grandly and then the last stanza kinda hits the reader with the realization that they are only in memories now. Its very powerful! I also must commend you on the end rhymes..I almost didn't notice them, they read very well, not forced at all!
May I make a couple suggestions?
--Your piece would read easier and give impact to the parts you want to emphasize if you added some punctuation to it. RIght now (except for the line breaks) it reads like one long sentence.
--I'm a poet that believes "less is more" so please take this suggestions with a grain of salt...you use a lot of "the" within this piece, try reading through it without it and see if you like it. Like for example the last line of the first stanza, would be "Above them white gulls crying" instead of "above them the white gulls crying". Using the "the" seems repetitive to me and it still makes sense without it and draws more attention to the descriptivewords.
Again, this is a wonderful poem, the rating and description are both accurate. THe poem itself makes me want to go out in my father-in-laws sailboat!!
Keep writing!
LOL...this was hilarious!!! What a great piece! You've done a wonderful job of catching my attention, keeping it and then throwing a little zinger in there! WOnderfully written!
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One suggestion is in the third stanza "blistering cold breath tastes on their fingertips" the word "tastes" doesn't seem the right verb for the job, what about nibbles or something like that? Just a suggestion.
I especially liked:
These lines:
Just a couple suggestions: