First and foremost, I want to express my deepest sympathy for your loss. I cannot imagine losing a child. I have a friend, and she lost her daughter in November due to the same circumstances. I've been wanting to write a poem for her, and haven't found the right words. Your poem has given me some inspiration. Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem. God bless you.
I homeschool my two children, ages 10 and 11. Your poem couldn't be more true! This poem is simple, but it really says a lot--very relatable amongst those in academics. The image in my mind is an out of control classroom with a teacher, perhaps young and new to teaching, unsure of how to get the kids to settle down. Of course, Lean On Me was on TV a couple of nights ago... if that doesn't prove the truth behind your poem, nothing will. :)
I recently posted a short poem and some of the feedback I received stated I needed to make the poem longer. I couldn't disagree more because the speaker is able to create an image with just a few selective words. That's what I think you've done here. Good job. Keep writing.
The first thing that sticks out the most in this story is the obvious use of J.K. Rowling’s characters in her Harry Potter series. While I think it is great that reading Harry Potter has inspired you to write your own short story, I would be cautious in the type of short story you create, and I would advise that you study copyright laws closely to ensure you are not at risk of any type of copyright infringement. That being said… be original.
There are many grammatical errors in your story. One area specifically that jumps out at me the most is in your dialogue. When using direct quotes, you need to make sure to separate the direct quote from the rest of the sentence (the action part of the sentence) by adding a comma. For example: “I suppose the fizzy drinks before were a mistake,” she said. Here is another example of a direct quote being broken up: “Can anyone hear me?” she yelled, “I need help.” Also stay clear of run-on sentences.
One of the best ways to find grammatical errors is to read the story out loud. Also, one of my writing teachers advised the class that one of the most positive things a writer can do is be a reader. Browse through some novels of various well-known authors, paying attention to the grammar and paragraph structure. It really does help.
I LOVE this catchy poem! This is a great poem for children, and would be a fun way to encourage reading and phonics. I'm going to share this poem with my own children after lessons today.
The only critique I have is in line 19--I don't think you need the period at the end of the line. A comma, or nothing at all would lead nicely into line 20. Otherwise, well done! Keep writing!
I like where this poem is going, and I enjoyed reading it. To me, the speaker is describing various circumstances in life that can put strain on a relationship between two friends, but despite all that, the two will remain friends. I can relate to this because I moved away from my hometown, and I don't have the opportunity to see my best friends regularly. I don't get to talk to them regularly, either, but we are still as close as ever.
Where the poem doesn't work for me, is with the flow. Each line ends with a period (except for the next to last line), and there is no separation between the stanzas. This makes the poem a little choppy as it just reads as sentences. Try replacing the periods with commas, and adding some space between the stanzas to create a better rhythm and flow throughout the poem.
This is a very intriguing short story with good use of imagery. In the first paragraph, you wrote, "Her bare toes sunk deep in the sand, making her feel anchored down." I really like the image you created here--I can easily picture a woman standing on the beach, feeling distressed and looking out into the unknown. I also like that there isn't much need for dialogue in your story. This helps with the illusion that the "figure" is perhaps in her head, and that Laila is battling some inner demons. This flows very well with the last line of the story as well.
One suggestion I have is to read your story out loud to see if it flows like you want it to. Some of the sentences could be reworded just a little bit for better flow. For example, in the last paragraph, "Laila turned back to the tides, as she did her eyes closed and dropped the bottle," you might consider changing it to, "As Laila turned back to the tides, with her eyes closed, she dropped the bottle."
Nice story. Keep writing :)
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