I am really moved by the emotion in this poem and think the idea is very good.
I have a few suggestions that would improve the rating.
The punctuation is very inconsistent and needs looking at. I found this a little bit distracting.
Stanza 1 has some punctuation but needs a period or a comma at the end of the second line. Stanza 2 has absolutely no punctuation whatsoever, 3 has only a period at the end and no commas at all etc.
The second line 'All that they could be' could be stronger, I did not really understand what it added and I think you could put more into it to build the emotion. perhaps something like 'emotions echoing on' for example.
I think losing 'Then' in the first line of the second stanza has more impact.
Similarly losing 'For' in the last stanza starting it with 'I am sitting next to her' also has more impact.
I hope you don't mind my comments. I really like this poem and despite the fact that is it short it covers loss, disappointment and love very well.
I was not sure from the title if I would like this- not really 'my thing' but decided to try it and see what it was actually about.
I thought it was very very good. I could imagine it in the 'neutral artificial voice' and thought it created a really exciting atmosphere and drew me in.
I don't know if this is just my computer but the last line of the second stanza puts an accent 'รจ' over 'misplaced'- not sure why
Anyway I just wanted to write and say I thought it was excellent.
I loved the perspective and the premise and enjoyed reading it.
It is a really good poem and a great start on this site- keep writing, you have original ideas.
A couple of points:
- first line 'i' should be a capital 'I'
- last line should use 'discarded' rather than 'disguarded'.
This is exactly right! I have had these very same thoughts myself- you have put the emotions and the internal struggles into words very well. Keep writing these thoughts down- it helps. K
One thing I think you could do would be to leave out "He died...right after we kissed."
letting the reader think that the reason it was the last kiss was that he moved away,
then the impact of the crash would be a more dramatic twist at the end and would have more emotional impact.
Here are a few little typos:
"no where" should be one word
and "he pushed me out of the" should have "way" on the end of it.
I love this it is so sweet!
I was just willing her to get that leg!
I also thought the conflict between wanting Sarah to be happy, and wanting her to learn about rules in playing games was well brought out.
I'm not sure what a 'cootie' is though (I'm from the UK- is that why?)
A few small points:
“No sweetie, you have to roll a one,” needs a full stop not a comma
Also I thought that “Even though I rolled a six sweetie I still can’t get a leg because I need my body piece first.” could do with a sprinkling of commas.
Wow, I love this, it is stunning writing. The last line delivers the emotion and turns around the whole piece. The repetition of 'You' adds pace and increases the intensity. The reflection (bruises, tears, sick feeling) worked really well.
This short piece has a lot of impact and I really enjoyed reading it.
I really like this story. It drew me in and compelled me to read more as I initially assumed the news was received with an awkward lack of emotion by Ray, but learning of a secret intimacy in their compartmentalised friendship and then the twist at the end was really very good and kept me guessing throughout.
I like the piece I think it flows very well. There are a couple of minor typos:
You need to close the speech marks at “I don’t think so. I don’t think I can make it home on such short notice.
At 'There were a couple group projects' - you need to insert 'of' between 'couple' and 'group'
Love it though
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