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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kaithe
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Review of The Sound  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Good mechanics, dialogue especially. You have a writer's patience, but you need to find some more imagination. So this story is a practice piece, and can actually be reworked with the same plot. Read "the tell tale heart" and make comparisons.
You have alot of expository on pointless content, this story can be 5o% shorter. The first person narrative is a hindrance sometimes; so to keep the reader entertained you have to reveal some depth,--some fire or some ice. Put some real testes into your lead character, no man let's some old douche push him around, esp when money is involved.
And you don't have to get explicit, but people do not read to see the same rated g life they live. That does not mean prolix, or super action, or uber plot's, but writing is the art of selection, detailing sundry items is taking up your canvas with tube socks. Read some of Stephen King's short stories, Different Seasons, Nightmare and dreamscapes, skeleton crew. Look at his male characters, the girls in them, the assholes in them, take notes on how he reveals through internal dialogue and action entertaining qualites, and above all the rooting or booing of the lead character. Your italics remind me of King's style. it is a good way for a collared boy to say funny explicit things.that only he can hear.
Now rework this, especially the ending, rely on your own expeirence, the douchebag's you knew, the girl's and big titties girls you dated (to add personal effects) . ( maybe have the dad more in it, have him be humorous,) but elevate this piece from mediocrity.
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