I don't know what brought 'it' on. I wasn't there, and I'm only semi-'here'. Wine affected and tired. So the origin is something of a mystery to me. But still I see it: You've tapped it. When I say "it" I mean IT. That thing that well all lunge after with desperate pigments spilling out our pockets. You've got it by the ears and you're pulling it down, to blazing eye level.
Sorry. I've been reading Beats. Even living in their old haunts, by accident of course. So I'm really drawn into these kinds of things. Spontaneous, streaming, raw consciousness. This is great. I love the flash capture imagery and super zoom attention you give to seemingly mundane things. I say seemingly because in the eyes of a writer (especially one who's tapping 'it') there is no such thing as mundane - not really.
Don't stop. Keep it coming. Let the city speak through you. The country is nice. Pretty even. But the cities are alive and crying. Gorgeous. Lived in but somehow ignored. Too many stories left on the curb, crumbs leading to loaves and no one eating but everyone starved. Ugh. What am I saying.
First off, I want to say that this is a clear notch above the common stock here at WDC. I see a lot of grievous errors committed in terms of basic story-telling on this website. And a lot of lesser (but still annoying) ones as well. Your little snippet, or introduction - which is really what this is - stood out.
You've got a strong, narrative voice. I know this because you managed to drawn me in despite a complete lack of dialogue after the first line - which also happens to be in a foreign language (albeit also a name).
I do have a few minor suggestions, if you want to really streamline this piece.
"We were to be slaves, really, but this we would only discover upon our arrival at the Emperor's palace."
Don't give it away so soon! Let your reader wonder what kind of fate is in store for these poor women.
"We would find no aid with them".
I think "in them" would work better.
"The soldiers marched us along single file, berating us all the while for the filthy whores that we were."
I actually laughed at this. Are you saying these women are all actually whores? Is this meant to be funny? If so its brilliant, if not you might want to reword it.
"The Vice Chancellor came out to greet us in a rather cold and disconnected manner, and he separated us into colonies."
I'm not sure if "colonies" is the right word choice here.
"Thereafter we were led to the coal mines some ten kilometers away from the palace walls, and after the oxen-drawn carts had abandoned us, we promptly set off to begin mining."
Mining? Why women? I hate to say it, but women were typically used for...other things. Maybe this is a part of your story, and there's a reason women were chosen over men (captured male warriors, etc).
"We were roughly two hundred in the palace courtyard, packed in like a school of fish. "
Fish is a good metaphor, don't get me wrong. Just make sure you've considered others, too. This is ancient China. There's an awful lot to choose from and "school of fish" is a little bit cliched.
Your description of the palace is good, but I think you can enhance it even further. What does it smell like? What sounds do these women hear in their sleep? What are they mining? Show us their burden, their purpose and their prison.
I hope you don't think I'm being overly critical. It's late, here. I wouldn't be taking the time to type all this if I didn't think the story - and the person behind it - was worth it.
That's all! I want to know what happens next!
Cheers,
Kai
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