Nice poem! I enjoyed it. The other side of a wonderful feeling! May be, you could have just mentioned the circumstances that led her to this profession (background). Something that can justify her part in being in this...
I loved the third line, "Silence shivers into sound". You could have used more of such phrases to make it better. At some places, I felt stating the mental pain and torture that the lady has undergone, than explaining the physical ones, would have made it a far better piece.
A very good job. The story advances dramatically and prompts the reader go from word to word. A careful approach has been adopted by you in developing the characters as well.
Somehow, a few points need to be noticed. Primarily, the power that a write up in first person can bring in and energy that it can pass on to the reader is great. Your story does not seem to have effectively made use of this benefit of writing in first person. You have the skills and can work out well.
And the conversations! When it is on a script/screen play, you can be more realistic. Where as in case of a ready to read item, you need to be careful about keeping it short and conveying much in few words.
Waiting for the remaining part!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jymoo
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:43am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
