Very good job keeping with your rhyme scheme and never once faltering from your subject. I have just a couple of suggestions for you, and I hope that this review is helpful.
Line 6-"tied in white ribbon aged to grey."
Maybe think of adding a dash. "tied in white ribbon-aged to grey"
Lines 10-11-Remove the comma, it unnecessarily inserts a break into one thought. Add that comma to the end of line 17, to pause that thought momentarily.
Those are the only suggestions I could think of, and I very much enjoyed your poem. This is a black case domination review
Wow. A new idea on a common subject. There are very few people that believe in such love, but are willing to go all-out for religion. You have a very quaint writing style that immediately makes the reader want to continue, which is a very good thing. I would like to possibly see this extended into a story. Your story. How did you attain this love? What was your out-of-character action?
It would make a great, emotional read I'm sure. This is a Black Case Domination Review
Wow. That was pretty harsh. It's difficult to write of such things, but you did so in a great way. I could not stop reading, and your rhyme scheme fits pretty well.
I do hope that you are not in this abusive relationship, and that you are just creative enough to write about it.
I wish you the best.
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Definitely worth adding on to. Your experience is going to be what makes this story wonderful, because you're going to be able to describe things from a first person point of view. And do so accurately.
There are some grammatical and wording errors that could use a little bit of tweaking, but nothing major. I hope you add more soon, I can't wait to read it.
Stunning. Your use of vocabulary is varied and not to ostentatious. Some people have difficulties using a more vast vocabulary. Obviously, you're not one of those people. Your essay was captivating and quite enchanting, and I found nothing in need of change or improvement. Great job!
You have a great style. I've just finished your portfolio, and I'm very pleased with everything I've read.
As far as this particular story goes, you used great language and description. I felt as though I were there.
It seems as though it will make a great older child's book. If you were going for children's book like small children, you would need to simplify a bit. But getting into the 3rd-5th grade age range this is a great story thusfar.
Definitely keep it going, add more to it!
In some spots, the rhyme seems a bit forced.. but other than that, it's a good poem. It's difficult to write about happiness and love because there are often mixed feelings and a lot of lies involved. Overall, you did a pretty good job, it was a good read.
I can tell you though, do not bind yourself to a relationship you're not happy in. It's best to clear the air and either get away from it or come to terms with the other person and you both work on it. There is no reason for it to be one sided.
I wish you the best!
You seem so enthusiastic about the holiday and trying to give to the wdc community. Everything in this folder is amazingly organized and great ideas. I can't wait to take part in some of your contests!
Absolutely perfect. The only needed change is that you put two t's in pollutte. Pretty sure it was just a typo though, you spelled it right the second time.
I love how you personified Mother Nature, and the way you described the things we do to harm her.
This is a very good piece. Can't wait to read more!
I came across your entry in the Rhyme Time forum and decided to read it.
Now very glad I did. You are an exceptional author.I couldn't find anything that I would change. No grammatical errors, no skips in the rhythm, and your rhyme does not sound forced at all.
I love the story-the Shadow People, and how you stayed on your original idea throughout. It was consistent.
Also "Their music is the moaning wind
And scratching branches beat their drum."
That is a great line. The references to music/instrument. And to dance. It's amazing. Great work!
At first, it seems as though the subject of the poem is speaking to his/her love. Although not perfect, it is the best he/she can do. Then suddenly it turns to someone speaking to someone they despise almost. You completely flipped it around.
So my biggest suggestion is to make it all one subject. Try to stay on track with your original idea. You make great use of vocabulary and imagery.
As far as grammar, I would suggest 'nudity' instead of nakedness.. and maybe insert some puntuation. There are places where you can FEEL the pause, but there is nothing there to reinforce it.
Keep it up.... you're doing a really good job!
At first glance, the poem is quite entrancing. But delving furthur within, I find few errors.
'An empty page, a thoughtless head
So many things I yet to have said'
This particular line messes up what you're trying to get across. You tried so hard to find the line that rhymes with the line above that you lost what you were saying. The rhythm is off kilter. A good thing though-that's the only line that needs to be completely revamped.
I love the 'empty dreams never come true'. That idea in itself was written beautifully.
'Barrels of thoughts slip from my grasp
open opportunities I never could pass.'
If thoughts are slipping from you, then how did you take those opportunities? To not pass on an opportunity means you take it, therefore, it didn't slip from your grasp.
The last line of the poem doesn't seem to fit with the rest--it takes away from the meaning of the rest of the poem.
You have a natural talent for rhyme and rhythm, and with a little work, your poetry would be absolutely amazing. Make sure that you're not just stringing along looking for the word that rhymes with the line above though. Make sure you keep meaning throughout, and that it all connects.
Keep on writing though, you're pretty good :)
Let time idle forward is a contradiction. Maybe if you were to say something like "Let time move forward idly" Then it a descriptive word and not an action word. It may fit better.
Move the third line in the second stanza to the third stanza. Remember, form is one of the most important things. Not rhyme, or even rhythm... but the placement of a word or line can drastically change the impact of that word or line. I found no spelling errors, and your use of vocabulary is wonderfully various. I love the idea that this piece represents.
Great job as a draft. Would love to see it if you make any changes! :D
Oh... and deromane=enamored... right?
Absolutely flawless. I found no errors, and I found your use of the seven deadly sins quite creative. You stayed away from cliches that are usually found when writing on the subject, and you did so intelligently
I definitely look forward to reading more of your work!
You started out following your intent of stating a child's observations. Then, all of a sudden, that child seemed to be making acutely more intellectual ones.
Right about.... here "Our blood is red to remind us of our ancestors and how they, once long ago fought hand to hand combat."
After that point, you were no longer on your original point. Children don't think much about ancestry and focus and purity. The just live. No realization of such complexities.
Other than that, I noticed no errors. And if it weren't to be seen as a child's perspective, if the beginning and the ending matched, it would be a wonderful piece.
Maybe, if you could find some way to work a rhyme scheme into the last line of each stanza, it would be perfect... Try experimenting with wording that would make the fourth line in each stanza rhyme. So you have an a,a,a,b,c,c,c,b,d,d,d,b pattern.
Other than that, very well written.
A very amazing poem. You kept up with your rhyme scheme very well, which is sometimes hard to do in more intellectual and political poetry. I did notice a few small errors.
I line 6, take the period out. 6-7 is an ongoing thought, and that unnecessarily breaks that thought.
Doesn't should have an apostrophe.
Disruption only has one 's'.
Those are the only things I noticed right off. It was a great read, keep it up.
Amazing. One suggestion of the smallest proportion..
Line 16 they're should be there.
Other than that, this is a beautifully written piece on a very painful subject. I can't count all of the people that I've met in my short life time that have been abused, and I've never before seen that portrayed in poetry without sounding uneducated or childish.
You have unsurmountable talent.
It almost resembles lyric, although poetry often does. But there is repitition, making it walk through my mind with a beat, imagining a melody.
With another verse, it would be a great song. Hell, even as it is, it would be a great song. You portray feelings well.
This is.....Amazing. You had me laughing--really hard. Which I suupose it's not difficult to do, but even so it's great. Very original, very well written. This is the third piece I've read in your profile and you are a very talented individual.
I notice a lot of grammatical errors--spelling punctuation, use of words, and your form.
Maybe experiment with free-form poetry. At first, that's what I thought this was, but in the end it took on a rhyming scheme. Break up some of the lines into two lines, and make sure you're using the correct punctuation throuhgout your lines.
It's a very touching poem and will be absolutely amazing once you get it all worked out.
This is probably the most original poem I have read in a while.
The concept is great--individuality. The personality that speaks louder than words possibly could.
It's easy to get lost in the visualization, the imagery. Trying to picture the girl. Or her spirit.
Keep writing, I look forward to reading more.
The poem is great :) I have one suggestion, in the last two lines "Of our song that only you can sing to me."
Possibly change it to "Of the song that only you can sing to me."
It's already obvious that if you say "our song" hopefully only he can sing it to you. But if you say "the song" it seems a little bit less repetitive.
Can't wait to see more hun.
I would suggest some simple grammatical changes. 'dieing' >> 'dying'... make sure your 'i's are capitalized when refering to yourself.
Other than those small things, this is a very good poem. The concept is great, and you've written it in a way that it really flows.
Keep it up, you're doing a great job!
The rhythm seems a bit off to me. It feels almost fragmented, it doesn't flow very well. I would suggest adding some filler words to it.
"A blend of orange,yellow,`n’ red
Seldom with the fronds shed
Offers a feast for eye
No beauty can stand as tie"
>>> "A blend of orange, yellow, 'n' red
seldom with the Frond's old shed-
Off'ring a feast for one's eye
no beauty can stand as a tie."
Also, don't forget puntuation, I noticed quite a few spots where you kind of left a reader hanging with your lack of said punctuation.
One last thing, it almost seems as if you're losing the original subject of your poem. Throughout, it no longer seems as if you're talking about flowers in their natural beauty. It's all kind of disconnected.
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