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Review by Jules77 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I love the quirky way the narrator describes his family. Halloween is evil. July 4th they eat tacos, and Cinco de Mayo they eat tacos. It only makes sense that Christmas would bring escargot. I love it. I would actually like to hear more about this crazy family and how the children dealt with the strange traditions when/if they had friends over. Did they ever get Halloween? If so, what did they wear? How did it happen?

I hope you don't mind, but I noticed a few grammar errors that take away from the piece a little. So part of the rest of the review is going to be to help you fix the grammar. In the first line, you have a type.... "All my friends that my parents' I think you mean to say, "All my friends said that my parents..." yes? Also, some grammar clean up. In the dialogue, the mother calls the children "sweetheart" and "honey." These should be separated by commas. And the "Mom, what gives? Why..." Also, "It is an evil holiday, sweetheart; it would be better for US to educate on that, sweetheart." You would use the commas to separate the name "sweetheart" and a semi-colon to separate the second "sweetheart" from the rest of the sentence because this is actually two sentences combined. Also, "But it's just a holiday, right?" You would want to separate the "right" from the rest of the sentence with a comma. Also, "It's never just a holiday(use a semi-colon or a period here because, again, this is two complete sentences)" Thus, it would look like this, "It's never just a holiday; I'm doing you a favor, honey." The "your" in the next sentence should be "you're" because you are actually saying, "I be you are wondering..." So you would use the conjunction of "you're" here. Also, later in the sentence, you would need a semi-colon or a period because this is also two sentences. So it would read like this, "I bet you're wondering what kind of mother would do that. How do you think I felt having to explain that to the other eight-year-olds in my class?" I think you also missed a word in the sentence as well. "How you think" is the original sentence, but I think you meant, "How do you think..." Next you say, "Next to us were the Jenkins" you'll need a comma next to separate the phrase in the middle, so it would read like this, "Next to us were the Jenkins, my least favorite neighbors, with their stuck up kids." I think you missed another word in the next sentence. "My mouth started to water at smell..." I think you meant, "My mouth started to water at the smell..." The next sentence you write, "My mother and aunt were seating up..." but I think you meant, "My mother and aunt were setting up..." and again, you'll want to use a comma to separate the next phrase. "My mother and aunt were setting up the taco table, while my uncle..." In the next line, you'll want to use a comma to separate "Mother" from the rest of the sentence because the character is addressing her directly, so it would look like this, "Mother, what is the world..." Also, in the same sentence, you don't need the apostrophe for "tacos" as it is plural, not possessive. The tacos aren't possessing anything, so you could just say, "...eat tacos on this American holiday?" The next sentence is actually two sentences and the second one is a question. you also have an extra word in their that I don't think you need, so the sentence would read like this, "Sweetie, tacos are American. What law says we have to eat burgers on the fourth of July?" In the next sentence, you'll want to separate "Abby" with commas because you are giving the name of someone, so it would read like this, "I heard Jen Jenkins whisper to her sister, Abby, who chuckled loudly, if I might say." In the next sentence, ,there are few commas missing and I think you want to use "than" rather than "then" because you are making a comparison, not discussing time, so the sentence would read like this, "But I sort of got where my mom was coming from, tacos were not less American than burgers." Later, there is another sentence that just needs some commas to clear it up a little. "No, not what you think; we didn't eat hot dogs; we drank pumpkin soup." Next, I think you just had a type. "To our surprise, our mother acutely" I think you mean to say, "To our surprise, our mother actually joined us." I think you added an extra word in one of the next sentences. "But as I grew older me what my mom said..." I think you meant, "But as I grew older what my mom said..." Okay, those are all the grammar things I found.

I love the ending!! Again, as I said before, I would really like to hear a little more about the family traditions and how the characters deal with such strange traditions with their peers. You touch on this a little through the piece, but I think it would be really interesting to see a little more of this. Good luck and great job!

Julie
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Review of Fabulous  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules77 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I've seen this format before, and I think you accomplished this very well. I do have one question, and I may simply be my ignorance of the style of poem, but is the repetition of words also part of the style? If so, then ignore the next few comments, if not, then you might consider trying to utilize different descriptors at times. the third line says, "you are amazing" and then again, in the 7th line from the bottom.. "you are an amazing person." is there another word or descriptor you can use to describe her/him? "failure leads to great things" and then "you will be a great person". Is there another word you can use other than "great?" "Beautiful song" and then "you are a beautiful person". You also use the word "person" three times within a four line section of the poem. "You'll do great things" then a few lines later "failure leads to great things". You use the word "unique" back to back as well. Though, again, I'm not sure if this is purposeful?

I really like some of the lines/ideas you have here, like "unique is the key to an awesome person." I think you could probably fid something more descriptive than "awesome" but I love the idea here.

You mention a song in the second line, but do not mention anything musical after that. Perhaps you could run with that metaphor? Use other musical descriptions for the woman? The narrator tell this woman that she is not "a mass of destruction" and this threw me off a little, as there is nothing to indicate that she is. I wonder why the narrator feels the nee to tell her this? Is there a way to help us understand why it is important to let her know this? Or is there some other way to tell her what she needs to now? Is there a way to describe her more fully here, continuing on wit the more repetitive themes?

Okay, that's all I've got. Thank you so much for sharing this piece. I enjoyed reading it and I hope this helps you to revise.
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Review of Renewal Of Souls  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules77 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This is a very interesting take on the two sides of the human soul. I really like the idea of there being a "heavenly" part that is pure no matter what, but can be corrupted by the choices of the human within it resides. That being said, I wonder what the "new" angel thinks of the "older" angel's lecture or take on humans as a whole. It seems that the older angel thinks that humans have primarily the capacity for evil and corruption. For example, "the human part brings the capacity for various evil traits..." He does go on to talk about the fact that "the soul has chambers that become filled...with greed or charity, hate or love..." I find it interesting that the angel chooses to list the "bad" traits first, as if they are more likely for human's to choose. AND he/she never mentions the fact that humans have the capacity for the greatest love as much as they have the capacity for the greatest hate. I was waiting throughout the poem for the other angel to defend humans to some degree. I wonder what the other angel thinks of the older angel's take on things. He/she seems to be very negative when it comes to faith in humanity. You might consider writing a sister poem to this one, i.e. the "new" angel's response. Perhaps outlining the fact that the human part also brings with it the capacity for great good, not just terrible evil. In the end, the older angel feels that the only way men would choose to be good is if they could actively see what they are destroying. BUT, some men/women choose good without seeing the effect they have on their own souls, even without seeing the effect they have on others.

I love the fact that although the poem has rhyme, it doesn't feel forced for the most part. There are a few places where the wording becomes a little awkward because of the rhyme, which is difficult to overcome sometimes, but I find that the best rhyme in poems is not forced and doesn't force the writer to word things in a way that feels funny. you might want to try to re-word or re-work these places, if you think it would help the poem to flow better. For example, "faith distilled" is a little odd. What is faith distilled? Perhaps "when faith is willed through difficult times" or "faith and will"? Although I really like "there's no fudging" it almost doesn't fit with the language that the older angel has used throughout the poem. He just doesn't sound like someone who would say "fudging"... It almost breaks character for him. but, at the same time, I really like it, so it's up to you as to what you think might be better. "(after Hitler and his ilk, retirement they earn" also breaks character and almost takes me out the poem a little. The older angel has become Yoda. :) Perhaps that line could say, "pure evil, pure hate and the soul will earn/ retirement. If humans were able to see their soul" This way "retirement" goes on the next line, you still have the rhyme and the sentence is a little more normal. This happens again in the next stanza, "all the virtues they would extol". Perhaps you could say something like "all the virtues would become their goal" or something along those lines?

Overall, I really like the way you use rhyme, and I love your take on the idea of two split parts of the soul. I just see this take on humans as very one sided and very negative, even though you do comment on the capacity for good things, there doesn't seem to be much faith in the humans' ability to choose the virtues. The only other thing I would question is the fact that you created two characters who have the potential to interact in a very meaningful way, and they don't. One character is simply there to give the other character someone to talk to. Truthfully, if this is all you are using the younger angel for, then he/she is not really needed. The older angel can simply introduce himself to the reader and go into his explanation as if he is talking to a group of new angels. Does that make sense? Just another option for you.

I hope this helps you. Please feel free to write me and let me know what your thoughts are. :)

Julie
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Review of Struggle  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules77 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really like the parallel you use between the mountain and life's journey. I think it works very well, and you draw that parallel very well. It is clear that this is likely not a physical mountain or a physical journey that the narrator has taken, but is probably a journey in life. That being said, you show us this journey and this "lesson" throughout the piece, so I don't think it's needed for you to tell us what the point of the story is at the end. I think you've made it clearly, and the exposition at the end almost takes away from that.

I'm not sure why the narrator is in pain? What happened that she is suffering physically? How did she end up at the bottom of the mountain in the first place? Did she fall? Did she take a bad step? Follow bad directions? You have the opportunity to really continue on with the metaphor in a lot of different ways, so I think it would be great if you ran with that.

I noticed a few places in the piece where the wording is a little awkward. For example, "...allow myself to tumble back to the bottom of the dark pit from where I came." You don't need the last four words here, I don't think, and I think it feels better without them. Also, when the narrator is at the top of the mountain looking down at the valley, she sees "a green valley full of sweet smelling wildflowers." How can she smell the flowers from the top of the mountain? it seems a little odd to describe it this way. She might think that they'll smell sweet, but it doesn't make much sense that she can smell them from the top of the mountain.

I really enjoyed much of the description and the metaphor you used here. I hope this helps a little.

Julie
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