I want to share my thoughts about your story, if I may.
I believe in the Sandwich Method of Reviewing someone. With this method, I will first provide samples of what I liked, what worked well, and other positive feedback.
In the part of the paragraph, I will suggest what may have worked better, if anything, and grammatical issues. I do not make personal suggestions based on my opinions.
Lastly, I will provide any comments I may have missed on what you completed in the first paragraph.
The beginning paragraph introduces the reader to the little sister and the storyteller. We felt that something would happen to his little sister, and we didn’t want it to, no matter what—excellent build-up of tension.
The story flows well into the cellar of a crypt where the protagonist’s sister is chanting a spell to contain an undead spirit. The evil spirit is never controlled as it attacks the protagonist, and when the little sister attempts to help, she is attacked and killed by the spirit. The protagonist grabs the spell book and uses it to hold the evil spirit, destroying the book and spirit together.
There were no technical or grammatical issues.
This story was a pleasure to read. I do not usually choose this genre; however, I have read several other of your works and have always been happy with what I have read.
You came through once again with this piece.
You didn’t overdo the gore, undercut the tension, or downplay urgency. Everything just flowed perfectly, in my opinion,
Review of “The A-Team Cake and Old Buster Dog” by James Fox.
Completed by J.R. Pete
I reviewed your story “The A-Team Cake and Old Buster Dog” at your request. I have the following comments to offer:
Reader Experience:
This is a true story of a birthday party for your son in which you and your wife purchased a cake of your son’s favorite television show at the time, T “A-Team.” The cake itself was to be the center of the party with its party’s theme decorations. Before the start of the party, Buster, a beloved dog, breaks free from his owner and makes a cake snack, ruining the surprise. Quick thinking between you and your wife had her remodeling the cake and creating more frosting, and you going to the store for candy gravel/rocks. While at the store, you found the perfect ad ID and brought it home. With seconds to spare, you both fixed the cake to a rapt audience and comments for years to come.
Commentary:
Hello James, I have the following comments to offer.
I enjoyed reading your story. You held my attention throughout the piece. The familiarity with the A-Team and the excitement of the young boys increased the reader’s ability to become immursed into your story and be there at the party as it unfolds. Good job.
There were a few grammatical error discovered. They were minor and did not take away from the story.
When the dog took a bite of the cake, everything could have feel apart. How it was handled was truly an A-Team inspired event.
Your story was well written. I saw it was submitted in a different publication as well. Congratulations!
I felt the bare honesty, pride, and pain in the writer's voice. All the hope was destroyed in a simple sentence by her father; how sad.
You captured the feeling of too many young people trying to find themselves yet still trying to please their parents/caregivers. It is an internal conflict you subtly, yet strongly, conveyed in your short fiction.
I hope this wasn't an accounting of something that occurred in your life.
Hello and good evening. I have had the great opportunity to read your horror story, Snokum Joe. I will provide you with a review of what I thought worked well and possible refinements. These are my opinions and, as such, can be ignored if you disagree with them, do not make sense, or go against what you were trying to create within your story.
I taught High School and Community College writing courses. I firmly believe in using the "Sandwich" review method. In the first part of the review, I begin by telling you what about your writing was of good quality, what kept my attention and pulled me to keep reading, whether the characters were believable and compelling, and whether the plot flowed until the denouement.
The middle of the review is where I would offer suggestions for improvement. Even when first-year students in High School were handing in their first writing assignments, I did not make the review section the most extensive piece to read because practice makes a better writer, not the discussion of grammar and its mechanics.
The final piece is more of what I liked about what you wrote. I will try to give specific examples to see what I thought worked in your writing.
I enjoyed the inventive manner in which you described objects/things within your story. My favorite example is "rows of white tombstones sticking out like teeth and bones from the carcass of the earth." Other examples, "A mallet of wind struck him in the face" and "thunder pounded at heaven's door," are great to come across and make reading your story more visual. One-Eyed Billy's fight scene is well-choreographed.
During the fight, instead of calling the undead "It," call it by his name, Snokum Joe.
You switched from Present to Past Tense and Active and Passive Voice in a few instances.
When Billy has an inner thought, what do you think about placing into Italics?
It didn't occur until I began my review process that Billy is either a fortunate fellow to survive all he has gone through or an accidental hero type (think Forrest Gump, but more intelligent). It may be worth a few minutes to think if there were other (horror) stories Billy could get involved in and how he may or may not walk away from them.
In the paragraph beginning with, "As his fear dwindled. ." after going over all his ailments and reasons he should call it a night or at least rest, Billy gets up and moves to the following grave site to start over. I like this for two reasons: you showed the reader the inner strength of the character and his lack of common sense.
I liked this story and am glad I read it and had the opportunity to review it for you.
Thank you for writing this.
Good evening Kåre Enga. Allow me to introduce myself. I am John. One of my many professions was a High School English teacher. I taught Grammar, Writing, and Literature. During this time, I also taught Introductory Speech at a Community College. I read your story, Obituary for a Bad Boy, and would like to offer my thoughts.
I certainly enjoyed this short story. I have never read such an interesting story regarding a vampire clan/family. This a great takeaway from the normal blood lust screamers you usually see or read. Excellent job. I also enjoyed the relationships your characters had with one another.
Brett is the antagonist throughout the story. Everyone had their thoughts on what should be done with him/to him. During their big meeting, I could picture Brett sitting in the center of the others, sullen and downcast, even though you didn't say such. You didn't need to. I could see the hope in his eyes when he suggested London, only to have it dashed when rebuked.
You ended the story perfectly. It didn't end with: "They lived happily ever after." or, "It was discovered the baby was a vampire and became one of the strongest of her kind." A lesson needed to be taught and learned.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and appreciate the work you put into writing this story. Thank you for your time and effort.
Good evening! I am going to review your post and provide feedback for you. The scale system is 1 needing a lot of work and 5 being it is outstanding. I have provided my opinion on the work you provided. It is just an opinion. You do not have to take any suggestions I might offer.
Voice
What I mean when I say voice, I am talking about the continuity with the flow of the piece, and do we lose ourselves in your poem. I would certainly say there is a definite voice within the piece. It is apparent there is a flow within the poem. When I read this out loud, Some of the rhymes did not flow, the sequence of rhyming words was inconsistent. You used the AABB for the rhyming scheme for most of the poem and used ABAB rhyming scheme for others. I believe if you were to change this, the reader would become more immersed in your poem. For the use of voice, I award a 4.
Originality
In thinking of using these words read to the rhythm of The Sound of Music was very original. The words used were well thought out before finalizing your poem. Your disclaimer at the beginning of the poem was a good placement. It readied the reader to how the verses were to be read. Your creative voice made this fun to read/sing the poem. For the use of Originality, I award a 5.
Overall:
I liked the idea the rhyming sequence was taken from The Sound of Music. Having watched the movie several times, while I read it, I sang it in my head. it is apparent you were very creative putting this together. Also, it is obvious you had to take time to come up with the rhyming sequences. The consistency of the flow is important to the reader. If it doesn't flow well, the reader will become less attentive to the poem and focus on the errors. For the overall appearance, I award a 5.
Again, thank you for creating this fun piece. I wish you all the luck with your future writing.
Nelly, it was an honor to read your piece. I am going to provide a review of it. The information I provide is my opinion, any suggestions I provide are just that, suggestions.
The Story:
The information you provided was an accurate rendition of a factual event. You gathered the information and wrote your story with that information. You provided factual detail of the events. I will give you one star for this.
Style:
You used a news-style approach to this story. It perfectly matches the information you provided. Your tone was neutral. I wondered if you considered providing a human touch about the victims. Added a short piece about them would have given this a sense of compassion. This would have given the neutral information a caring touch about the victims and their families. I will give you one star for this.
Originality
This category is for the originality of your piece: what sets this piece apart for everyone else. The writer's voice, if you will. Considering the tone and content you provided, the use of your voice was limited. Limited, but not impossible. I would have liked to hear from you, not the newsfeed. That could be a short report of the victims or their families. I understand this information would be hard to get from China; however, this would have been from you, it would be your opinion of what happened, the concern of the families, and a concern for the tragedy. I am giving half of a star for this category.
Overall:
Overall, this is a good piece. It held my attention, showed a clear voice, provided information, and allowed the reader the opportunity to decide their own feelings regarding the information. I am giving you two stars for this category.
Thank you for allowing me to read your piece. I enjoyed providing you with my opinion and thoughts.
Hello, my name is John, and I am providing a review and overall impression of your piece. The following is my impression and personal thoughts of your piece.
Impressions:
I enjoyed reading your poem. I felt intrigued by the way you placed the stanzas. They each added to the mystery of how the poem would end and who Amorphous is. I enjoyed the way each stanza could stand alone in describing the author yet smoothly added to the previous description(s). The second to last stanza appears to be more defiant than the others. I had the image of a beaten-down old person, all bent and withered with age, standing straight with their chin held in resolve after everything they have gone through.
I became immersed in the specific wording of the poem. Each stanza had three lines of "I" statements with the last line either emotion or physical reaction. We are provided with the story of the speaker in their voice.
The last stanza is the powerful culmination of the poem. It had me re-reading the poem with that in mind and it was much more powerful than the first time I read it. It also provides the poem with the hard reality of who the speaker is.
Feedback/Suggestions:
I felt the first line in each stanza was a statement. In this, try placing a period in the end. The second line is a prelude to the third and fourth lines. if so, it would need a break, giving the reader pause and leading into the descriptive final statement. A period would end the stanza. I wonder how effective your poem would be if you added periods and semi-colons? For an example:
"I am Amorphous.
I retain no shape;
I listen intently with no ears
and feel no warmth."
The following stanza would have the same format.
The last stanza, to me, could have two meanings. "I am no more" as written could mean the speaker no longer exists or "I am No More", as in the name of the speaker.
With or without punctuation, this is a strong piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and it was an honor to provide my thoughts and feelings regarding your piece. If you need clarification on my response, please ask.
I had to read this twice because the first time I got so involved, I forgot why I was reading it. As a former English teacher, that says a lot. When I reread the story, I did see a couple mechanical issues. They didn't take away from the story nor the narrative, so I did not record them, just shrugged them off as preference.
Your introductory paragraphs caught my attention and kept it. I was very interested in who this individual was, why were they there, and who was the red haired red eyed man was who stepped out of the trees?
Your use of narrative and descriptive wording placed us into the story. You assisted the reader to visualize the conversations, the rooms, and even the characters themselves.
As this story picks up from Chapter 6, I did not get an opportunity to see any previous character development from chapters 1 - 5. However, you added information when Spider came into the storyline that allowed readers flashback/reinforcement knowledge. I liked that. Even if I would have read the first five chapters, I would still have appreciated the information.
Again< thank you for allowing me to read part of your book. I appreciate being part of your writing process.
Sabrina:
I really liked the story. I do, actually, get lost in my mind at times. Scary place!
One of the things I noticed the most was the wandering feeling your story had. I felt as if I was walking through a huge room, such a a library, having these thoughts. Contemplative. You set the mood beautifully.
There are a few grammatical issues that that away from your story, however. "You're" should be "your" mind. Also, you are asking a question when ending with the word "reality". Be careful of punctuation and wording: "Then ,there are times you are reliving a bad memory; those are not always the best to be getting yourself attached to and getting lost into. Even though its your brain and your mind, its not always safe. As long as you can pull yourself back, you will be okay." The word "wither", I believe, should be whether.
Overall, I really did enjoy this piece. I made me think. I like that. I don't like being handed my stories, I like to work for them.
Keep up the great work and I am am always free to help you with questions.
When I taught Speech in High School, one of the most enlightening aspects of the job was providing evaluations for the Speech students. When I began teaching Creative Writing, much of the grading information could be altered for the writing students. I felt both classes were using much of the same styles of creative thinking skills.
What is strived for the educator to do is be honest in viewing and assessing of their work. Encourage every effort they do because the words may motivate the writer to write more or try again, this time with a different path, motivation, or extra effort.
Be respectful of all work you are assessing. Remember all the hard work that was placed into the bodies of pages you are reading. Don't compare work between writers, only with them self; always strive to be well rounded when critiquing the written work of your writers: for every area that needs work, find something they did well and expound on it.
Remember when giving a 5.0, the writing should not contain any errors and be used for the perfect example of perfection. Conversely, when a writing receives a 1.0 and appears to have many errors it appears beyond redemption: work with the writer to return the writing to raise the score. This will more likely receive a more positive response.
Finally, while using WritingML during the processing and grading of your writers papers, make direct refences to the writers information included, provide fun Emoticons to highlight important lessons or information. Make them aware you read their word and wanted them to know what you thought of them. However, don't over-do using WritingML. As it is often said, said." "Too much of a good thing can be bad".
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