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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jsvan
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11 Public Reviews Given
29 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by J. S. Van Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am NOT a professional reviewer. I review from a reader-point-of-view. So,with that in mind, take everything I say as a mere suggestions at most.

First, I like the story. I really hope you finish it so I get to read it.

Character(s): I like Nate and I am not even sure why. We get to meet him, but know almost nothing about him other than he is an orphan and he hates guns and he has a 'gift'. But there is something about the way you write his dialogue and his inner dialogue that makes him personable. The voice of the girl. Not sure what to make of her. Very odd introduction to her and she revealed next to nothing about herself. A bit creepy, but that adds to the suspense of the story so don't change it.

Plot Development: Hmm. An orphan has a 'gift'. A supernatural gift that he has just discovered. Pretty kewl. I am wondering what happens from here. Was he really hallucinating? Was there really a girl communicating in his head? There are about dozen different ways this can go, all of them equally fascinating.

Flow: It had a nice pace. Nothing too quick nor too slow. It kept me engaged the entire time.

Depth: I think you could do a little better with the depth of the story. What was the view outside the window when it isn't raining? Was he glad the raindrops were obscuring the view? What did the room look like? How many kids were in the same room? What are their ages? How old is Nate? What's the name of the orphanage? What city/state are they in? There is no need to go into a lot of detail right away. But a little goes a long way when capturing a reader's interest. How do you get the reader to identify or relate with the story if almost everything is left up to the reader?
For instance, this last part of the first paragraph, " listening as each of them snored in an individual fashion." seems a little clinical or scripted. You could end it with snore. Most people with assume they don't all snore the same way and in unison.

Overall: I really like the story. It has tremendous potential.

~Van
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Review by J. S. Van Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
While fantasy is not my favorite genre to read there was something about it that piqued my interest. I'm glad I read it. It was a bit difficult for me to read/follow simply because it is not something I ever read. I believe for the truly dedicated fan of fantasy/scifi stories would have no issue following it. The storyline seems interesting to me. I liked it enough that I will be on the lookout for Chapter Two. The characters seem believable and there is enough backstory trickling in to paint a complete picture.

I give it 4 stars!

J.S. Van
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