I see the picture that you are painting here. The story as a whole is very vivid and expressive. I just have a couple of things I believe would improve the reading experience of this piece.
The font is very small. So of us aren't young :) even with glasses, it was hard to keep physically reading it. You could have broken this up into several paragraphs as well.
I am by no means a writing expert, but I do read a lot. I find that, at times the way words are put on a page can be just as important as what words you use. The story you are telling can be enhanced by judicious use of spacing, font, paragraphs, and punctuation. Writing is art.
Lastly, there was this sentence. It was clunky and hard for me to understand its function.
"When he moves his fingers so fluidly like a light breeze upon this thing that he so depends on each day."
Perhaps it could read:
"He begins to move his fingers fluidly, light as if a breeze upon this thing that he so depends on each day."
If you restructure the following sentence, maybe the sentiment of this description would flow better with the rest of the piece—just an idea.
Thank you for taking the time to share this incredible story. I did enjoy it.
Hi there CoCoCruz. When I looked at this it took me a moment to formulate this response. Ultimately I liked this piece. Rather this was an actual event or something you created. I appreciated the honesty of it. The emotions expressed are genuine and real. You make no excuses or justifications for why you feel sad and somewhat betrayed. You just express yourself.
As for the readability of it. I struggled a bit. Not for any technical reason like punctuation or sentence structure. It was really a matter of space. Everything was run together. In my opinion, for what that's worth, don't be afraid to explore the space on the page.
What you have to say is important. Help your reader stay engaged.
I enjoyed this quite a bit. I found your use of vocabulary to create not just the image, but also the feeling you are trying to portray excellent. I don’t really have anything to recommend as far as changes. I believe you pretty much communicated what you were trying to. Keep them coming and thanks for sharing
OVERALL: This piece is terrific! I enjoyed it from beginning to end. You did a fantastic job of scene creation. I could almost feel your characters pain. I belive you hit the mark with this piece well done.
THINGS TO CONSIDER: You may want to consider your E rating. While technically there is no violence, your scenes are somewhat graphic. Maybe you would consider ASR.
I thank you for writing this, it was terrific. Keep them coming!
-Karaoke writer-
OVERALL: I thought this tale was interesting, well written, and entertaining.
THINGS I LIKED: Your scene creation was very good. Your characters were real and relatable. I thought your use of environment observations to keep me clued into the changing timeline were placed well.
THINGS TO CONSIDER: This is really the only thing that stuck out for me and its really minor. You used the phrase "no less than" Two times in a relatively short space. Doing that really made it stick out. You might want to consider changing one to something like, "at least" or "just over". This ,of course, is just my opinion.
Thank you for sharing this story, I really enjoyed reading it.
-Karaoke writer-
WHAT I LIKED: You successfully brought to mind the image of a young man in love with a woman perhaps for the first time. Not simply a crush, but a deep emotional connection. A real 'The heart wants what it wants' portrayal.
THINGS TO CONSIDER: This seemed fine the way it is to me
OVERALL: This piece is well thought out and well written. I enjoyed the emotional imagery it brought to my mind. Great work!
Thanks for sharing and keep them coming.
-Karaoke writer-
This is well thought out . There are a few capitalization issues for instance "i forget everything i could ever remember." You convey allot of emotion in your writing, I think that's awesome. Thanks or sharing and keep them coming!
Wow! I really enjoyed this, it flowed well and was fun to read. I think that your use of vocabulary was superb and well planned. This was great thanks for sharing.
-Karaoke writer-
First off, I would like to point out that I'm still new here. That being said, I enjoyed this short story. It was bazaar for sure. However, you communicated the plot well. I liked the way you opened with an observation by the main character, then went back to explain what led her to that observation. All in all I found it entertaining and well rounded. Thanks for sharing and keep them coming.
-Karaoke writer-
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