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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jpooh
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9 Public Reviews Given
20 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by jamie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm not normally one who enjoys rhyming poems, but this one was quite good. My only suggestion would be to drop the word "that" since it isn't needed--making the line; "By the time we stop kissing".

Thanks for sharing,
Jamie
2
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Review of I.C.U.  Open in new Window.
Review by jamie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this-- that said, the continued use of ICU becomes deterimental to the solidity of the poem and actually lessens the effect it seeks to impart. Let the title speak for it-- the continued use of ice is unneeded. (if you will permit me an example of a possible rewrite--not inferring anything by it :) )

I.C.U. or do I?-- maybe use "Are you here/there", instead of this?

Are you just another name on charts?
Life's art that wends your way through halls
that tunnel towards the light or dark,
or what lays halfway in between.
when I visit, I
hold your hand and let the hours pass,
silent as you gaze at nothing.

Can you see me?
I trust you'll sense my soul-beat's sob,
praying by your side.


again. i like it but am put off by the 'cutesiness' of using the icu can you see me -

cheers
jamie
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