Wow, man I'm really touched. That's a really emotional story. I really dig what you say about guilt - I have a line of thinking about guilt that its the people who feel guilt the most that are the most caring - strong guilt at the loss of a loved one must just mean you really cared for them. I'm going to do a bit of picking apart of the writing in this item (because that's what reviews are for!) but I want you to know that what you have here is a very touching story, and you clearly write and think in a very pensive way, which I dig.
"Five years ago, it was a bad year for me" is a little bit of a clumsy line. You might be better off saying something like "2006 was a bad year for me" (with 2006 being the year you're referring to).
Even "Five years ago, my life got turned upside down" or something to that effect.
There's a couple of grammar mistakes in here. Should be "There are two definitions. One..."
That sentence is really clunky too. Should probably read like this:
"There are two definitions. One defines guiltiness as having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; justly subject to a certain accusation or penalty."
You could probably say "I loved her and always will" instead of "I loved her and always will love her".
Keep soldiering on, and I hope you keep writing. You've got a talent for a cognitive sort of writing. Great stuff.
I found this poem to be very high tempo and aggressive, which impressed me. I do have a couple issues with it, though.
The rhyming I found to be a bit confusing due to its somewhat inconsistency (ABAB at the start, then stops rhyming for a bit with the occasional in-line rhyme and out of line rhyme). I do really like the ending, though. "The end that you intend" is a really magnificent line - not only does it sounds and flow awesomely, it has a lot of gravity and meaning.
Another issue I had was the wildly differing syllable counts in the lines. Some lines seemed really syllable heavy - Going from "The Darkness of your face" - the reoccuring line (6 syllables) to "Survival..." and "a side effect..." both with 8 syllables which is much higher than the average for the poem - that part of the poem feels clunkiest to me.
All in all I did quite like the power and emotion that were projected in this poem, however I did find myself stumbling a bit while reading it due to a few of the lines. Great stuff! Keep it up.
I absolutely loved that poem it was wicked! I'm giving it 5 i reckon that it's totaly awesome! I love it how it always rhymes unlike some of the ones i tried :)
johnthebomb
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