Wow, man I'm really touched. That's a really emotional story. I really dig what you say about guilt - I have a line of thinking about guilt that its the people who feel guilt the most that are the most caring - strong guilt at the loss of a loved one must just mean you really cared for them. I'm going to do a bit of picking apart of the writing in this item (because that's what reviews are for!) but I want you to know that what you have here is a very touching story, and you clearly write and think in a very pensive way, which I dig.
"Five years ago, it was a bad year for me" is a little bit of a clumsy line. You might be better off saying something like "2006 was a bad year for me" (with 2006 being the year you're referring to).
Even "Five years ago, my life got turned upside down" or something to that effect.
There's a couple of grammar mistakes in here. Should be "There are two definitions. One..."
That sentence is really clunky too. Should probably read like this:
"There are two definitions. One defines guiltiness as having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; justly subject to a certain accusation or penalty."
You could probably say "I loved her and always will" instead of "I loved her and always will love her".
Keep soldiering on, and I hope you keep writing. You've got a talent for a cognitive sort of writing. Great stuff.
I found this poem to be very high tempo and aggressive, which impressed me. I do have a couple issues with it, though.
The rhyming I found to be a bit confusing due to its somewhat inconsistency (ABAB at the start, then stops rhyming for a bit with the occasional in-line rhyme and out of line rhyme). I do really like the ending, though. "The end that you intend" is a really magnificent line - not only does it sounds and flow awesomely, it has a lot of gravity and meaning.
Another issue I had was the wildly differing syllable counts in the lines. Some lines seemed really syllable heavy - Going from "The Darkness of your face" - the reoccuring line (6 syllables) to "Survival..." and "a side effect..." both with 8 syllables which is much higher than the average for the poem - that part of the poem feels clunkiest to me.
All in all I did quite like the power and emotion that were projected in this poem, however I did find myself stumbling a bit while reading it due to a few of the lines. Great stuff! Keep it up.
I absolutely loved that poem it was wicked! I'm giving it 5 i reckon that it's totaly awesome! I love it how it always rhymes unlike some of the ones i tried :)
johnthebomb
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/johnthebomb
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 2:08pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "