Yay! I really like the themes in your poem. Congratulations, I think it's a good work for the most part. However, I find most of the phrasing a bit akward. One specific example is "and you do care." Another would be "theres [sic] denying..." I don't know if it's not enough syllables or the order of the words...regardless most of the poem reads a bit poorly to me. But, of course, that's just my opinion. I think the third stanza is terrific, however. If you do choose to revise, you might consider re-working the opening and closing stanzas. Also, the second one is the only with three lines, not that that matters too much to me. Though I don't write poetry, I would assume that inconsistency is inadvertent? Don't mean to complain though, I think you did a nice job overall.
This is interesting. I found quite a few errors. Some are merely spacing or formating errors, with quotation marks and punctuation. Still, others are quite glaring grammatical errors/typos. Happens to the best of us, I suppose. :) A worthy effort, I thought you could probably do a lot more with it. I feel like somehow this person would be seen shooting the magician/hypnotist by someone in the crowd. I also found the bit with the psychiatrist rather unclear as to the reason it was included in the story. I think it's worth a rewrite as it is a nice idea. Lastly, I feel like mentioning that I too am a magician, that is, if you indeed are! I assumed as much based on your 'handle' or whatever it's called. Good to see another one on the site!
Yay! Several things I want to mention that I LOVE here. "pas de deux of chiffon"...NICE. Combining all of the quotes from prior stanzas into one word for the fifth stanza...INGENIOUS. Finally, along the same lines, I love starting each of the first three stanzas off with those quotes in lowercase. I don't know why, but I really like the way the poem looks most of all. Sounds weird, but true nonetheless. :) Good job! (I don't know for a fact, but I think Noxzema might be spelled wrong? If not, it just looks very weird...)
Swathe is a sweet word. I also like 'gawking and mocking'. And, of course, I LOVE the fifth stanza. Very effective. I think you did a nice job with this. The only criticism I would have [this is TOTALLY minor and silly but, I had to try :)] is that I think the last line of the fifth stanza should not have a semicolon? It's a question because I don't really know. However, I think it could just be a comma. Regardless, great job!!
Very good work! I really like it. Especially as they come together in the end (or the foreshadowing thereof). This has been happening to me lately in real life, so I know the feeling indeed! I think you do a nice job of describing the inevitable friendships falling apart and coming together given life's uncertain events. Nice job.
Are we supposed to say which one we liked better? If so, I like the top one. Something about 'A shooting star' and 'And became a memory' at the end. It sounds better to me. Both are good. I don't know about 'without me' being repeated three times in such a short poem, especially all in one stanza. Then 'on me' in the second. It seems slightly repetative. Certainly nothing wrong with repetativeness, I'm just not sure if so often in such a short poem is such a great idea. But, I could be wrong...
Nice. Tendrils is SUCH a great word and you used it well. Good job. The poem itself is good, I like the personification at the end. I'm not terribly fond of the first stanza, the second line especially. "as if from a trumpet" seems like it could be worderd differently and/or eliminated. Obviously just an opinion, I am not a poet so I can only speak as a layman. As such, good work. Your point comes across.
Another great job here, Ash. Good work! I was going to mention the only thing I thought could be immediately reworked that I saw anyway - and this is easy and perhaps you can even just say "nah, forget it" - is the third line, second stanza. It says, "You think I'm here just for fun" and I think the just is extraneous or misplaced. It might read better, "You think I'm just here for fun" and I also think "You think I'm here for fun" would be fine. I just don't much care for the word "just". :) Otherwise, excellent work!
I like the point of your essay very much. However, I think it might be better, if it truly is an "essay" which to me screams "facts" rather than an "opinion" (truly, I don't know if that is even an option but it should be), it should have more statistics and scientific information and citations. However, I do appreciate the opinion you put forth here. I would like to add that, to my mind, the reason we suffer from obesity and the fast food mentality (myself included), is mainly because the bad food is cheap. Convenience is a factor, but price is the main issue. Until the government steps it up and subsidizes healthy foods as opposed to crap food...well, we'll eat, cheaply and poorly. It is unfortunate indeed.
Yay! Great job. I really like this poem about losing a loved one. My favorite line EASILY has to be the one about "a tear less a day". Brilliant wording. I'm not sure about using the "better to have loved and lost" cliched quote for this. I mean, it fits, certainly, but you've come up with so much other original stuff that I don't like the final stanza beginning that way. Finally, I love the stars for eyes part. Very nice. Very descriptive. Good job.
This is interesting. I'm not certain that I agree with some of it, but some of it is definitely good. Whether one agrees with it or not, one can say that you have a nice format here. I enjoy the short lines and the stanzas and where everything breaks and whatnot. Interesting point about having to be in the majority to be right. That's good. Be careful that you don't go too far with things, America being a nation of hypocricy for example. I don't think that's entirely true. A good point could be made, but without the support, it just seems like a brash generalization. Good work altogether though, in my opinion!
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