I really enjoyed your short story. The plot and the thought that went into the characters really meshed into a fantastic story. I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that I didn't find anything that stood out as a flaw while I read. I'm sure others who are more dedicated to proper grammar might nit pick but I think you did wonderfully. Keep up the splendid work.
While I enjoyed this story quite a bit one little hiccup confused me. Third paragraph beginning "Now let me tell you..." The first sentence seems to be broken off from the rest of the content in that paragraph. You mention that you're going to talk about the three friends but you only seem to talk about the one with the girlfriend. The quickest way to fix it would be to change the first sentence so all the other stuff makes sense. Let me know if you make changes and I'll be sure to read through it again.
This piece was short and simple, just what a short story should be. It gives the perfect little breath of information, scene and emotion. That being said the structure was a little loose, with the dialect and the phrases adding to the air of age and era. I did not see anything that really needed adjusted other than a missing ' in the first section of speech.
I enjoyed your story, and I only found a few things that I will mention to possibly be of some help. The tense in the beginning was rough for me, I think it is harder writing in present tense. The paragraph about the doctor seemed clunky and out of place, it seemed to be a switch in narrative voice that broke the spell you are casting with the tale. Also try to break up the descriptive details of characters through multiple paragraphs and interactions to avoid the dense description. I hope these little things can help you further this piece and make it even better. Let me know if you edit I would love to see any changes.
I enjoyed your science fiction styled piece. It had a lot of technical jargon and numbers to read through. While they can be helpful when describing something you created to people who don't know it the density can be confusing. After a few paragraphs some of the details blend together and I had to go back and double check. Space them out a little more and it should flow much better with less confusion. I hope this helps and let me know when if you make changes to this, I would love to see them.
While the overall flow of the story is good, I still find myself wondering at the end if the sound is in his head or if it is something he can hear while others can't. It might help to go through and find some small places to add in if it is really a sound or if maybe its connected to how many beers he's had. The grammar and style work well in this piece and I encourage you to keep up the good work.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jnc_aeh
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:58am on Nov 30, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
