First off, I am not an expert writer. However, I do want to give my feedback so that it can maybe of assistance to you. I'm kind of confused on this writing about what it is about it seems like the information is very scattered and confusing. The first paragraph it starts of with a quiet/stormy (is this the best adjective?). They in sentence three may be a pronoun that can be avoided and just combine the previous sentence. I feel like it would be also worth considering making "young girl" something specific, like Alison. The next sentence is confusing, as a reader the analogy does not seem to make a sense (how would a bird see forward in ones life?). The next part about mislead protagonist not sure that the story has really described her as such (enough to give her this title and have it make sense). Second paragraph has better flow but when it gets to elvish language I am lost again. I am not sure what the subject matter is through the end of the paragraph. The final paragraph is a fast forward that does not seem to have a clear connection with the story line. It says something about organizing the crowd and I am not sure what that really means. The sentence referring to the "life that was, the life that is and the life that may be" I don't think that this is a lesson as much as it is an action. "this is who I am" takes the story from third person to first person. You could set it up in a way like "this is who I am.......... new lessons every day" Alison declared.
So, in short, my feedback would be to think about what the purpose of the writing is for. Who's the audience for it, so I can be structured correctly. What's the purpose. What point are you trying to get across. Will be the strategy for presenting the information so that your audience can tell what happened. And mainly the narrative needs to support a point (significance). So there is sequence to everything and liquidity.
Interesting story, vivid details, significance
I hope this helps to some degree. I'm in my amateur stage of writing and I hope I can assist people as they can assist me.
Good luck!
jmo
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