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Review by John Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice story with a good message. Something that seems to plague all writers from time to time is the "misplaced modifier". In the sentence - Whimpering and weeping the raven overheard the cry and searched out to see who was crying - was it the raven that was whimpering and weeping? The reader gets the point, but the flow is interrupted for an instant. Maybe something like - The raven overheard a whimpering and weeping cry and searched for the source. Practice juggling the wording to obtain the best effect.
The little old comma plays a bug role for the reader. It inserts a slight hesitation before the next word and helps with flow and emphasis, but where should it go? I wrestle with this in my own writing, however, I am getting better, I think. One example is the sentence - And every day she was getting weaker and older... A comma would work well after 'day' - And every day, (hesitation) she would ---. An actor rehearses, a piano player practices, an athlete trains, so, keep writing, you tell a good story.
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