This story is sweet and funny. I was smiling and chuckling throughout the entire thing
Characters:
They are both very well developed. When Charles mentions his gender being the first of many disappointments to his mother, my first thought was uh oh, mommy issues. In most of the novels I've read where the hero has slight or strong resentment toward his mother, he seems to take it out on the heroine in negative ways. I kind of feel like that's something Deborah might react to in her mind.
Spelling and Grammar:
I'm not as familiar with British spelling as American, but I didn't notice any spelling issues. Then again, spell check is my bestfriend. Lol, I'm catching it's catching my own spelling errors as I write this review.
As for grammar, I noticed you used a few -ly adverbs. If you can go back through and reword the sentences to eliminate as many as possible, I'd recoomend it. From past experience I've learned, it's bad to ly.
Setting:
I experienced the scene through Deborah. The descriptions of sawdust tickling her nose, and a fury creature rubbing against her ankle making her yelp are great. I was thinking mouse and cringed for a moment.
Final Thoughts:
The literal "save the cats" aspect of Charles sold me on him. His being a successful programmer, reminds me of my own husband. If you expand the story into a book, I'd love to read it.
I enjoyed the mythical/historical aspect of this story.
Set up: The opening was very clear. Someone is wondering an unfamiliar city looking for a place that may or may not exist.
Characters:
Kris – A woman in search of truth
Joe – The homeless man who directs her to the shop she’s looking for.
Jacob Cohen – The owner of the shop
Plot: Kris is searching for a shop which contains something she wants. A homeless man named Joe directs her to the shop for a fee. Jacob Cohen, the owner, is expecting her and gives her the book she is looking for.
Hook: Will Kris find what she is looking for? What will she do when she does?
Pace: The story flows well.
Language and voice: It is easy to distinguish each character based on their voices and language. Kris is timid but determined. Joe is rough around the edges but willing to help for a fee. Jacob Cohen is hiding something even though he gives her what she is looking for.
Just my personal opinion: I enjoyed the journey of this story. The ending was a twist but made sense.
Impressions
I am interested in this story. I like dragons and it is always nice to see them not casted as the villains.
Content Suggestions
Even though there is no real word limit on what constitutes a chapter two paragraphs feels a bit too short.Since this is a fan fictiction perhaps some of the prologue could be used to describe the world and overall premise of the story. This way those of us who have never read the series can have some idea of what it is about.
Try to break up the dialogue with descriptive actions.
Example:
"Coal, You are loyal, brave, and strong." Each positive trait followed a harsh rasping cough. Lapis knew her time was running short. "You will go far in Pyrriah. Carry our legends and stories."
Spelling/Grammar/Structure
When you are righting dialogue it is always helpful to denote a change in speaker using line spaces between each individuals line of dialogue.
Example:
"Son, come closer." croaked Lapis.
Coal slowly crept forward. "Y-Yes mother?"
"Coal, You are loyal, brave, and strong. You will go far in Pyrriah. Carry our legends and stories."
"Wh-What do you mean? Why would I need to? All the other tribesknow about us." Whimpered Coal.
"All the other tribesknow about us." Insert a space between the words tribes and know.
Lapis then holds a talon out to him. Not sure if this was intention but you switch from past to present tense in the sentence. Such abrupt switches can be disruptive to a reader.}/c}
This is a very intriguing prologue. I suggest removing the word "had" from the story as much as possible. It tends to interrupt the flow of the story. I have a character named Alastair in my story as well but I have been spelling it Alistair.
I see you have linked chapter one to the prologue. Have you tried creating a book in your portfolio? I find it is an easier way to keep my chapters together..
This piece was a little difficult to follow because you shift tenses a lot. For the flashback I would suggest sticking in the past tense. Also when you are saying something is "too much" the word "to" should have two Os. Also be careful of your pronouns. There are a few sentences where you use "he" instead of "she".
This is a good concept for a story. One thing I would recommend is trying to say as much as you can in as few words as possible. Also try to avoid using the words "had" and "that" because they tend to break the flow of the story. Finally, if you are going to add to this story I would leave off the note at the bottum. It is more of a thrill for the reader if you reveal the outcome of a battle the main character does not witness at a later point in the story. It could be the hook that keeps the reader reading.
This group page is one of them most creative pages I have come across. It truly embraces the theme of the group by having the introduction written in the form of a script.
The organizer and host of the group seems very open and welcoming to those who are interested in joining.
The flexibility of not having participation requirements is a bit of a double edge sword. On the one hand the group is easy to be apart of for those who have a busy schedule. On the other a lack of requirements seems a bit unstructured and disorganized.
Overall, the group is a good support for those who are already screenwriters and for those who are interested in learning what screenwriting is.
I have to be honest I was not able to make it to the end of this story. There are just too many things, which might have been caught on a second read through by the writer. Overall the story is interesting, but it definitely needs to be proof read before it can be properly reviewed.
Natalia prepares a surprise for her significant other Corey, and he shows up late. He makes it up to her by making passionate love to her. After they have a fight, and he apologizes.
First Impressions: A young couple on their first date discover a very stron attraction to each other.
Characters and Plot: Jade is waiting for Santos to arrive for their first date, and he is twenty minutes late. When Santos does arrive she finds herself attracted to him enough to forgive his lateness, and schedule a second date.
Suggestions: First this might have been better in past tense, but it was interesting to read it as a play by play in present tense. There are a few sentences that could have been worded differently so they read smoother, and some that are missing words or have one word too many.
"She watches how his his ebony black hair keeps falling in his face because of the wind." remove extra "his".
"His tanned muscled body seems to be perfect in every way, at least the parts she can see with his clothes on." change "muscled" to "muscular". Possibly reward to read, "The parts of his tanned, muscular body she can see seem to be perfect in every way."
"Her mind wanders about what he would look like without his clothes on and she can feel herself wanting him." consider rewarding to read, "She wonders what he would look like beneath his clothes, and feels her desire for him building."
"There are many rules that women go by when a first date which seem practical when thinking about them except now while feeling all this emotion throughout her body, practicality is shoved out the window." Consider rewarding, "There are many rules women follow when on a first date, which seem practical. While feeling strong emotions surge through her body, she is ready to shove practicality out the window."
Conclusion: This is a very romantic and erotic story. Just a few changes could make it read a bit smoother.
I like the concept of this particular contest. I am a big fan of both fantasy and erotica, and have been dabbling with intermingling the two. I see from the last forum post there has not been a round since June of last year. That is a shame because I'm sure there others like me who would be interested in writing these sort of stories.
This is an interesting story of a victim of bullying being pushed too far. Ivy is a character people can relate to. Most everyone would like to take revenge on the people who bullied them in school. I find it refreshing that Ivy didn't jus bring a gun to school and just start shooting up the place. She tried to limit her revenge to the actual perpetrators of the bullying. I'm not condoning her actions, but I can definitely understand her desire.
This was a very interesting story. I was a bit confused because you seemed to be telling it in the third person, but the verbs were all in present tense. I'm not sure if that's just a difference in style, but usually try to stick in the past tense when I'm telling a story in third person. Other than that I did not notice any spelling or grammar mistakes.
This is a very nice story about an older woman's attraction to a younger man. Good use of first person POV narration. Cleo is an older actress who has lustful thoughts about her co-star Santi. She is pleasantly surprised to find out that Santi feels the same. I noticed no technical errors or spelling errors.
This was an interesting take on an old classic. I love how out going and assertive Ariadne is. I also love how Theseus comes to her defense in the end. Minos is the epitome of a misogynist, and it was nice to see him put in his place. I noticed a few areas where you repeated words, but other than that I found no spelling or technical errors.
This poem is a good representation of what happens to the lowly employees after a successful corporate take over. Most of the employees of the original ownership will not see this as a time to celebrate. They will se it as a time of preparation to be laid off. Once the old regime is completely removed the new will fill their corporate kingdom with their own subjects.
This was very funny to read. Of course, bad pick up lines are always funny. There are a few times where you slip out of past tense and use "sit" instead of "sat", and "turn" instead of "turned". Also, you used "sit" instead of "set" when Mindy sets the ice water on the counter. Other than that it was a very amusing scene with a very believable reaction on Gina's part.
This is an interesting story with good potential, but I feel more worried for Sarah than aroused. The use of the silver key followed the prompt well. There is a spot where you spelled out "breath" and I think you meant "breathe". My only other suggestion would be to focus more on the erotic aspect rather than the character backgrounds.
This is an interesting take on the contest prompt. A woman goes in to buy a dress, and receives attentive customer service. There was only one part in the story that confused me; "As the lock snicker", I'm not quite sure where you were going with that particular wording. Also, you might want to try to eliminate the word "had" as much as possible. People who review my work tell me it is distracting. Overall this was an arousing story.
This is beautiful. It is something I would expect to hear read at a married couple's mileston anniversary. The rhythm flowed smoothly, and the feeling of the author can be felt in each word. This piece portrays a man who truly loves, honors, and cherishes his wife.
Ok, first let me just say that if your goal is to confuse the reader, mission accomplished. I kind of get that you are trying to write from G's perspective but switching from first to third person within a story is not usually recommended. Also outside of dialogue you should try to make sure you spell things correctly so that the reader knows which part is dialogue and which part is narrative. Finally, kudos on trying to tell the story as if you had not written it. That seems to me like it would be a difficult thing to do. With a little polish on the spelling and grammar this could be a very engaging story.
This was very moving. I really felt like I was witnessing this conversation. I was happy for Brenda, and at the same time I felt bad for Steve. It makes me wonder if the story had continued; would they have survived a four year long distance friendship with an ocean between them? I hope so
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