Once upon a time there was a lazy little girl who, Everyday made everyone in her family do her chores. One day, it was decided that no one would do this little girl's chores, and no one would eat until she had finished. Because of that, the little girl cried and cried accusing everyone in town that they were the ones not doing their job and she did her job everyday. Until finally, two days later, weak with hunger the little girl started to fold the sheets, but she did not fold them properly, instead she rolled them up in a ball and said they were folded. The little girl's mother, starving gave her daughter a pass and feed her a heaping bowl full of stew, but when the Queen's servant came to pick up the sheets, she was shocked and ordered the little girl to refold the sheets. The little girl cried to her mother, calling the servant mean and cruel, and that she wasn't the little girl's boss and the she sheets were just fine. With no other power the servant went to her queen, and explained with a shaking voice, becoming more terrified as the queen's face became red. The Queen stood and walked out of her castle and to the little girl's home walking right into the house. Chocolate covered the little girls face and when Queen ordered the girl to refold the sheets, the little girl responded, "You fold them."
The Queen and her servants left the house a few moments later, the little girl tied and dragged along behind them.
Great chapter. Keeping a smooth flow during time changes, I have found, is one of the hardest things to do. You were able to go forward in time without a sudden jolt. Good work!!! There was one typo that I noticed, end of 5th paragraph, speaking about her mother's hair.
This chapter give the reader a small look at Alyssa and a larger look at what Zoey has experenced while growing up. This will give the reader the ablitlity to identify with the characters.
As to your note: time does seem to jump around. Try using other transitions. "the sun slowly moved its way..." just as a quick example.
Great way to add some back story, gives the reader a tease about who Sissy is. This chapter seemed a little short. You could add some info about the food, how the girls are dressed, little things like that could add words and more info about the setting and how different the girls are.
Again another wonderfull chapter. Please let me know when you add some more chapters or do any rewrites. You have a good story here and I would like to see where you take it.
This chapter had some great description, but it again feels that you've cheated the reader by jumping ahead so many days. I also get mixed feelings about the ages of the 'girls', they feel almost like teenages.
I'm not for sure what to think, it doesn't feel like a report. Maybe make it 'dryer' or make it from one cop's perspective.
But you have a good intro, it makes a reader want to find out more. Your descriptions are really good, that's why I feel that they need to be more 'of the story', then just reports.
I didn't leave a post for chapter chapter 3, so I'll include it here. It was too short.
Chapter 4 seems short also and moved slow. It gives insight to how the other character feel about Blackstone, but it doesn't give examples of how 'evil' he is. I feel more of a tease about the things he has done would make the reader hate him and want to find out if he is stopped.
Again another great chapter. I could see this story in print. Your descriptions really pull the reader into the story, making them want to find out what's going to happen.
But, I feel that you haven't really described Blackstone in all of his 'unholyness'. I feel that more could be added to his character, in this chapter, to make him more 'evil'.
You have a great start of a story here, even though it has some same elements as with other stories. That aside, your descriptions are very vivid and they bring the setting to life and the characters also.
The only sugestions I have is maybe more description on the young girl, the carriage, driver, and I feel that there is something missing from the priest's reaction to the book.
Great descriptions, I really liked the 'pink drops', it made it real. Your story is a great read, with a lot of descriptions that made me feel and see the words.
There were a few times, while I was reading, that I had to go back to make sure 'who' was speaking.
But over all your story is a quick read, because of the suspense and the wonderful descriptions.
Nice story, vivid discriptions. It seemed to read a little fast. I did find a few typos towards the end of the story, (and it needs spaceing between paragraphs, reads eaiser).
This story could be an intersting collection based upon the havok the drunk old man causes.
A very good kid's story! A lot of laughs. You did a good job explaining what young kids go through when no one believes them. I feel that a little more description of the monster would add to the fear.
I didn't notice any typos, or catch myself re-reading. You have the makings of a really good kid's story!
Adding bikes to an old ghost story, nice touch! Added some flash to the story. (could almost hear the bikes.) I didn't notice any typos or catch myself re-reading.
The beginning has some really nice discriptions! Maybe include some of the bar?. The story had a nice flow.
Very nice story, had that boogyman, haunted house, ghost tone. I noticed a typo, need to rearange quotations when she asked who was there.
You created good tension as you built up to the ending. Had some nice descriptions and a good story. You left the ending open for the reader's imagination.
This is a great story for a series! When I first read "clown", I started to wonder, but you have created your own character, one that children identfy with. Mortals, angels, and demons; wonderful characters and story.
I didn't see any typos or mistakes, but as the font got small, it got harder to read!
You have an intersting story. You get inside the MC's mind, going through his thoughts and feelings. There are some great discriptions, but it could use some more spacing between paragraphs (I was told the same. And it does help the read, helps stop the words blurring.)
This is a great story about guilt, remorse, and a major misunderstanding.
You have some wonderful discriptions, you brought the forest setting to life, and the feeling of being chased. You have a great story. I only seen a couple of typo, but I didnt catch myself re-reading.
The reader may feel more if there was a way to identiy with the characters better. The story kept at a great pace,a wonderful read.
This is the start of an intersting story. I did notice many grammer and other editing mistakes.
You may want to give more information on Ice, who was she.
Even though your story resembles a TV program and a movie, you spin the two and add teenagers (are they teenagers?)
You have a good story, full of great discriptions. I didn't notice any mistakes, and I didn't find myself re-reading.
You give the readers questions, what happened, why did it happen (which was never answered, (another story)).
Then there is the element of love, wonderful addition.
You have a good start, but I feel (just my feelings) that it needs more.
Maybe a little more of a back story of the building and the male who goes into it, (his age would be helpful.) More detail of the death, more screams and laughter would help the overall 'punch' of the story.
Great story! What children put parents through, and how they "re-open" our eyes, by letting us become children again. Most parents wouldn't keep the "game" going when it comes to imaginary friends, most frown upon it. (and imagination in general.)
I didn't see any grammer or other mistakes.
Again, Great story!
Nice story about a kid and her relations, and what is expected out of her. I didn't see any mistakes. I liked your comparison with pigs, there was no problem picturing the images. Added the way they dressed helped with the images. (I wonder, a true story?)
You have a wonderful way with words. The discriptions were vivid! The story has a nice plot. (Would like to read more.)
The questions give in the story makes the reader wonder and want the answers. I did see one mistake in the second paragraph.
I liked your story. (Kind of reminded me of my dad). The ending was different then I was expecting. (Nice surpirse!).
I didn't notice any typos but you need some space between the paragraphs, (this was brought to my attention also.) It does help read better.
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