I relate a lot to your poem, I don't usually do something without listenning to music. Music is adding something to reality, or escaping us from reality like you said. It created another reality where doing something with music brings us more emotions and sensations. It adds colors and brightness to what seems boring and annoying. I wonder what type of music makes you feel this way, or is it just the simple sounds who makes you feel that way.
Your personnal vision is so relatable for anyone who is scared to have a baby, maybe because they are afraid to be a bad mother. But we can't be perfect. There's no manual to raise our own children. The only way is to give as much love as we can.
There's a lot of emotions in your text such as fear, euphoria and despair. I can feel each of them even though it's hard for me to imagine how it could be to have a child as I'm still in the first phase of fear. But the emotion that is very intense is your love for your son. It's the most beautiful thing to read. Only by describing your love for him, you told us how of a wonderful lovely mom you are.
Take care of you and your son!
I feel like i went throught the guy's mind, as i can hear his cries, screaming in deeply pain. The repetitive sentences got me shivering. Those sentences that nobody wants to hear nor admit. Those sentences that really hurt.
The end of the story was really emotional I loved it.
In general, this is a really emotionnal story where we can all relate to Bella loosing her dog and her daughter. Those are really strong feelings we are able to feel.
However, to make the story more catchy and emotional, the writing is also very important, not only the stroy. Here are some things I recommand:
In the beginning of the story, you started quickly with the lost of the dog which can be good. However it would have been more clear for us to understand the story if you talked about their past relationship, how come she decided to get Lilly to the Park, etc.
Also, you sometimes have less description for feelings, mostly when Bella was looking desesperatly for Lilly. It would be more entertaining and emotional to read how Bella was frightned to not see Lilly, as it might be her biggest fear.
I assume english might not be your first language, but it's not a problem! With wrintings and exercices, you will improve very fast. Don't give up on your writings. The more you practice, the more you improve. Take your time!
I like your poem as you translate perfectly the dark side of love. Behind life's beautiful door, it's not as beautiful as it seems. It's unknwown and scary, like the shadows. What you called shadows made me feel as the doubts we may encounter. You make the clear difference bewteen what we can see (the beauty, the stars) and what we can feel (love, joy) comapre to what we can't see/ or don't want to see because of the fear (the shadows, the unknown). You describe them with a specific vocabulary for each with sweet words for love and "sharp" words for what hurts to see/ feel. Even thought your poem is short, we were able to feel all kind of sensations and feeling that we already know or fear.
For a subject about love, no matter how many lines we may write, I feel it will always seem uncomplete. If you have more questions about this topic, donc hesitate to ask them to yourself and complete all your thoughts with time.
I really appreciated reading your own perspective of love :)
I love how all this beggined with a sign of a lost cat. We could imagine so much that cat being a human, or a type of person that has a hard time with love and mostly run away from it. It feels like the dog, another type of person would deserve that love. Except love isn't something you can choose, he will still look for his cat.
Turns out Henry is about to suffer longer than Lika did. While she's getting better starting her new life, he's alone worrying about her well-being, knowing everything is his fault. Maybe it would be important to let him more worried by saying he's scared of Lika's reaction, if Lika doesn't want to come back to him after he finds her.
I felt as if I was worried too for Lika even though she's doing great. What makes me feel like Henry is how the text is structured. The paragraphs are really shorts and described. I feel like i'm in Henry's head, a real messed up mind that can't handle all that's happening and all the pressure he receives to find Lika at any cost.
Now that u created Henry's hope which is Donovan, if you want to torture him more you can make him worry about Donovan's work. For example, Donovan could be struggling finding Lika, and all Henry's hope will fade away. Their meeting will be because of a lucky event, a mistake Lika did and that Donovan found. She doesn't seem like she did any mistakes for the moment so I'm really wondering how they could find her.
Your text is so lovely, showing how lost we all are before finding love, not even sure if we will find it one day. And yet it arrives so quickly, immediately changing our live for the best or for the worse. We can not predict it, it's what makes it scary and exciting at the same time, cause it could be anyone and yet nobody. You text is complete for saying a lot in a small text, it's enough to make us think about it. It also allows for easier and more impactful reading. Love is an interesting feeling and very subjective, that's why it would be interesting to have a more detail description of the emotions you think love generates to people and to you. It's a good training for your mind and writing skills for description. Enjoy writing :)
The torture of Henry is just starting and yet I'm already satisfied. However it's not starting so well for Lika for the moment, with the second letter it should motivate her living her life as she should. Please continue to torture Henry, he deserves it, even after finding Lika. The shock it would be after regreting everything he did and seeing how well Lika is doing without him. I prefer if it's the brothers that find Lika, they seem way more invested while Henry is still sleeping. The time he will wake up has to be so violent. Continue :)
We can clearly notice how everything reminds her of Henry or her aunt. Showing how hard is it to get through it is important however she's currently finding a way to forget about her past life. It's also important once the caracter found hope that it permits him to get better. This chapter shows how hard is it for the moment which means the following chapters must be the moment she's starting to live her life on her own, without thinking about Henry. Her aunt should be her motivation until she gets better and no longer want to hear about Henry ever again. It also makes the reader satisfied if the caracter doesn't suffer too long, but long enough for it to be realistic and relatable for them. Then, if anyone relates to her situation, it affirm that there's hope in everything. The logic of the chapter is really well thought, I can't wait to see how it's going for Henry and how satisfying it could be :).
The story is really catchy, you always manage to write the biggest plot twists and change everything, change the atmosphere, the fate of the relationships... you never know what could happen next. Your description of Lika's pain is heartbreaking, it's seems like we can feel it too even if we didn't experienced the same thing, we can relate to the caracters. But as readers, we are mostly angry towards Henry because we cannot understand how he managed to drop his best friend (and to consider her simply as his PA) for a woman he knew after her. I think the best end for Henry would be to realise he has to considerate his closest friend even if he met someone he loves (I HOPE HE FEELS WORSE THAN LIKA AFTER LEARNING HOW HE LEFT HER LIKE THAT).
Also, her aunt letters arrive at the perfect time as she's writting about having no regrets in life. I love how her letters are perfect for her situation and what she's going through. It gives power to a caracter who lost everything. Giving her a last hope was surely the best thing.
What Lika is going through is my biggest fear. Giving your life for someone you adore, and one day they suddenly drop you like you were nothing. Her break down was necessary to make her decide on her own by now, to not be feeling that way ever again.
This jump in time for 3 years is genius! I was so frustrated learning that Henry was getting married and Lika was still standed by his side, because of her promise, and her love for him that she's denying. You also put a flashback back to a scene we have already read but with more details and it's the pefect way in my opinion to create the best plot twists. As you did a jump in time it's important to come back in the past like you did because in 3 years there're must have been so much things we missed and continuing the story without knowing some informations is kind of frustrating. You created a brand new atmosphere in a quick time to give the reader another perspective of Henry and Lika's relationship. As a consequence we all identify to Lika and her role in Henry's life now that he found a fiancee, and we would all do differents things to change the situation. Personnally I'm waiting for Lika to WAKE UP cause if she doesn't i'm going to do it myself :)
I saw your replies and I'm quite surprised english is not your first language cause you have a really good mastery of the vocabulary.
I loved the emotion you wanted to generate in this chapter. "Two broken people do not fix each other". You wrote this perfectly to match the energy of the family's background and it affected me personnally in the perfect way. Something I do not find in other stories is that you made a perfect transition between the past and the present moment. You don't return in the present violently with an opposite energy, you continue the story with the same atmosphere we read when you talked about Kate's past. It is the perfect way to show how the past is still affecting the family. No matter what Lika does to make Kate smile and forget her demons for a bit, she still seems like she's not capable of breaking away from her past yet. The fact that the reader doesn't know completly the past of Kate until she breaks down makes the story really entertaining from the other stories when others have a paragraph of flashback and then continue in the present not returning in the past. This chapter was necessary and well done. We always need a break in love stories, and finding out Lika's role in Henry's family was well thought. I loved it.
I find your writing really easy to read even for non english speaker. It is always hard for me to read and unerdstands english novels, that's why i'm really glad that i found your story. The plot is easy to understand as you go along, you are not overwhelmed with information. You also have a really good description which helps a lot to imagine the scene and feel the caracters emotions. You always finish with an information that keep us wanting to know the rest of the story. I will totally read it.
The metaphore of humans being leaves is really good in many ways. Your poem is short and catchy, we immediatly relate to your first words. Althought, leaves can be associated with many others connotations such as liberty or creativity. Why are they floating in this river? It's the main question of the poem that we are all trying to solve. And still we can't answer with words. Also we are not alone in this rive. There are other leaves next to us. We're all confused of our duty in this river, if it exists or not. I loved reading and thinking your poem.
I loved reading this. I loved how this story is relatable to reality with the fake perfect family and the way the daughters are treated. Your text is really good as we can feel the emotion through the father's words. We all heard those words, it gives us a strange feeling of nostalgia. Texts inspired of reality like these are really good to read, have you tried writing on another topic?
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