Thank you for sharing this piece of work. I really enjoyed it! It brought a smile to my lips reading about your organizing strategies. Whatever happened to “creative minds are rarely tidy”?
I don’t write much but I do love (love, love, love!) reading poems...so here is my humble opinion of your work and I do hope they help.
I like how you started the poem. Nothing makes me wish more that I’d be organised than when I’m looking for something I desperately need but just can’t find. I also found the idea of a misplaced word quite amusing.
The second line made me wonder why a zipper? I thought a cabinet would be better at organizing things. Or were you thinking of packing your thoughts nicely into zippered pouches complete with color coded labels?
The next stanzas describe how you would go about organizing your thoughts and I must say you make it sound like it’s going to be a breeze! Ah, if only it was that easy...or is it really that easy but I’m just too lazy? I like how you included changing the color scheme. It really showed you were going for more than just neat and tidy – you were aiming for beautiful.
The ending to this poem is really neat! haha You finally found you’re misplaced word...which then made me wonder what word you were looking for. Care to write about that misplaced word in another poem?
Hope to read more of your work. Great job and write on!
I'm not much of a writer but I do love (love, love, love!) reading poems...so here is my humble opinion on your work and I hope they do help.
First thing I found quite interesting is the way you worded your poem title. I've been used to the "I haven't met you yet" something sentiment...so it's quite nice to find something that goes the opposite...like "You haven't met me yet"...
The first two lines did confuse me when I first read this piece...so when I finished reading it, I had a "Ah, now I see!" moment... :D
I can't quite say for certain whether this poem is about someone who hasn't met you in a sense that he doesn't see you yet in the same way as you see him...or whether this is about someone you dream about and long for. Regardless, this poem quite nicely conveys longing.
I also like the way you wrap up the poem. The last two lines contrasts nicely with the opening lines.
This piece reminds me of Matthew Arnold's poem Longing....I think your poem evokes the same emotion... :)
Let me end by quoting my favorite line from the poem:
Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.
Hope you find my review helpful. It's just my humble opinion...and if anything doesn't makes sense, feel free to ignore it. :)
This is a graceful poem, the words read naturally and effortlessly.
I especially liked the first stanza. The first three lines are direct and to the point – an honest, almost resigned, acceptance of being torn. The last line, on the other hand, smacks of indignation – almost like a childish questioning of why one must decide.
I didn’t quite get the second stanza. It speaks of a troubled home while the rest of the piece, for me, spoke of the tumult within one’s mind.
The third paragraph introduces and builds on the imagery of a room full of mirrors. Considering this, I would have been more inclined to make this as the opening stanza and omit the preceding two to make the piece more cohesive. I feel like the first two stanzas don’t quite fit (just my humble opinion). But I like the first stanza so much that I’m hoping you’ll write another poem based on it. :)
The fourth stanza adds meaning to the imagery. I must say that likening the mind to a room full of mirrors is interesting – something I haven’t read before. Mirrors do play tricks to the mind – I think the reflections encourage the mind to wander. But in this poem, the mirrors reflect light so the picture I have is that of a room with glistening walls – the reflected light blinding and confusing. I must say the lines “Bouncing in all directions, scaling all the heights” paint such a fitting picture of the endless possibilities.
The last stanza describes shadows in a room awash with light. I like the contrast, light being possibilities and the shadows, confusion.
I think the third, fourth and last stanzas are more in keeping of the title and tone of the poem. These stanzas are almost objective – no seemingly indignant questions or hints to what you feel. It’s as if you're succinctly saying “I’m confused with these endless possibilities.” There is no hint as to what you intend to do: would you banish those shadows? Or are you close to succumbing to the haunting gloom?
Overall, this poem is interesting and thought-provoking.
I must say I found this piece really amusing. It's a fresh take on an otherwise already exhausted topic.
I myself moved to another country, simply because I fancied that the pasture is greener somewhere else. This piece reminded me of such naivete. I say naivete because what Bessie says in the piece does have truth in it - that sometimes things aren't always what they seem.
Reading the first few lines, I can't help but smile. The comment about the happy California cows and the complaints about the cold Michigan winters, the television shows and the food...these all remind me, so much, of how I used to see things. I was convinced that I had the worst lot and that things were so much better somewhere else. Well, the other cows were somewhat right - that I've kept my sight on what I'm missing and in the process, I've forgotten to enjoy and be thankful of what I've got.
What I like about this piece is that it manages to keep the tone light while being insightful. Reading this, I felt like the lines were brimming with life's lessons...and trivialities.
The Future California Cow's views and feelings are clear through out the piece. I can certainly pin point this cow in the barn - should be the wide-eyed cow with that far off look, evidently day dreaming of California!
Finally, I like how you managed to sum up the cow's plight, feelings and plans into a short piece. I also like how you've omitted anything positive about this cow's current place/barn. Going by the other cows' comments, I'd say the Michigan barn should have some pretty good things about it.
I must say though that I loved the first paragraph much, much more than the rest of the piece. A cow whining about things at the barn is so amusing.
Overall, this is a succinct but amusing piece. I'll just keep my fingers crossed for Future California Cow...hope she makes it to California and finds everything she has hoped for!!
This poem reminds me that as perfect as one's life appears to be, the fact maybe otherwise!
STRENGTHS
Structure - I like the contrast between the two stanzas. Not only are the two stanzas written using different perspectives - first, using "everyone's" perspective & the second, "her" perspective - but it also expresses opposite views...nice!
SUGGESTIONS
just my humble opinion...
I think this piece is wanting in terms of imagery. The first stanza, for me, should make me feel jealous of "her" life...and to do this, it should not only expressly state that everyone thinks she has a perfect life...but it should also sort of paint a picture of why everyone thinks so. Same goes for the second stanza: paint a picture of why/how she is suffering when she appears to have everything...
Finally, I think you'd find inspiration in the poem Richard Cory by E.A. Robinson as it also has the same theme.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .
Going by the title, I was expecting this piece to be about remembering how you were when you were young...but I was pleasantly surprised. I can't help but smile when I got to the end... Made me think that it takes courage to surrender the things of youth gracefully.
STRENGHTS
I like that you described youth in all its glory and frailty: the idealism of youth, the deceitful feeling that draws you to perils - even to death, the triumphant conviction of strength...like feeling that you could last forever
I like the sad note you end each stanza with...gives the piece a sense that you're reminiscing something you know for certain will never come back any more
SUGGESTIONS
just my humble opinion
...fighting demigods and strife - for me, this line is from the stanza that seems to be about the idealism of youth...so fighting strife would fit...but fighting demigods doesn't seem to ...a legend who they say had hands of stone - how about fists of stone?
This piece reminds me of this quote: Old age is no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .
"If I Were A Poet" is such an enjoyable read...really nice piece!
OVERALL IMPRESSION
Going by the title, I was expecting this piece to read like a wish list, a list of things you would want to achieve...but I was pleasantly surprised. This piece is like a summing up of a poet's life in a poet's own terms.
STRENGTHS
DICTION: Really well-chosen words! I like how you portrayed the tragedies of a poet's life - like a cool and illuminating light on life...but started each line with "I would" as if tragedy in life is a choice...nice! I also liked the occasional controlled exaggeration.
STRUCTURE: I like that you'd started each stanza with the harsh realities of life and wrapped up with an amusing and witty remark (the only exception is the last stanza - I'd say it's wrapped up beautifully! ) It made this piece more like a wink or running joke among people in the know - in this case, poets.
TONE: This piece is really entertaining...but that's only its second achievement. The best thing, I would say, is that it's entertaining without being bitter and without undercutting anything worthy or serious.
SUGGESTIONS
I really had a hard time looking for anything to suggest to make this piece better: slaughter the Kings English - King's English I would write words tall as the Twin Towers - ...words as tall as...
Finally, this piece inspired me to write this line, patterned after this piece...I do hope you don't mind...
If I were a poet,
I would love - a love destined to be in vain
Craft, out of my misery, a forlorn song
For lovers to weep long after death has dried my tears.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jhivan
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:15pm on Nov 07, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
) It made this piece more like a wink or running joke among people in the know - in this case, poets. 
