Hello, King of Storms! I figured I'd return the gesture and read something of yours. Even though you've titled your poem, "Night," I think it is more about that last bit of day we see before it all goes dark, and the anxiety we feel then. Try only talking about what you see at this time of day: what color is the sky? What does the air feel like? What do you smell and hear? I think by writing the physical things out, you'll give a stronger sense of that fear. As a poetry professor of mine always said: SHOW us fear, don't TELL us fear. If you're confused as to what I mean, try writing another poem like this without using the word "fear" and see where that gets you.
I hope that I've helped, not offended. (0:
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