I read the earlier version of this story a few days ago, and I must say this is a major improvement. The descriptive chunks seem to have been pared down and spaced apart, making them less burdensome. The action of the scene flows much better now, as well.
A few issues I noticed:
-You still switch from past to present tense during descriptive sentences. I get this is by design, and it's a clever idea, but in execution it draws attention to your style rather than immersing the reader in the story.
-There are several times when you capitalize words following dialogue when you shouldn't, i.e. Said rather than said.
-There are a lot of adverbs used in the story, especially following dialogue. If you've described a character's actions and written their dialogue well, the reader will infer on his or her own what the adverb states outright. For my part, when I'm reading and I see an adverb that could have been avoided, it tells me that the author doesn't trust me, doesn't trust him- or herself, or was just plain lazy.
Those are my thoughts, and you can take them for what they're worth. I am enjoying the story itself, though. You have a great imagination and a keen eye for detail. Looking forward to what comes next.
Best,
Doc
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jermaniac
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 9:37pm on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
