Hi Akiko  ,
Here is my review of your item: "A Unforgetable... Vampire?"  by Akiko
Any criticism is entirely my own opinion, and you are free to completely ignore it if you wish! In the end however, I hope I did something constructive and helpful. Well, here goes!
Akiko, please don't feel depressed about my rating. I am giving you a 3.0 because your writing has a lot of potential, yet needs some editing for it to be shine out among so many writings out here! I figured you must be a fairly young writer. Just a guess. This piece of writing contains a youthful idea to it, as it concentrates more on showing the style of dressing rather than the characters. It might be something the young audience can relate to, but with a little improvement, this could become a great masterpiece!
 When it began... -
This story is a first person narrative. Therefore the beginning was grabbing and interesting. Anyhow notice the line: "How did I know that today would be the weirdest of my life?" Here after the word 'wierdest', you can perhaps include the word 'day'. Or you could even rephrase it some more. Otherwise it sounded a bit awkward for me. Anyway its just my opinion. I liked "note the sarcasm" line used hear. Very witty and amusing!
The setting/description/imagery -
This is an aspect I suggest you work on a bit. It was all good descriptions when you related to it being autumn and that it was cold. How about a bit more about the place? Story-writing is like painting, you need to show the readers the picture you have in mind as you write. Make the reader feel the cold, smell the scents and sense the surrounding. All these need not come in one paragraph like jumbled-up adjectives, but cleverly added here and there, somehow 'sprinkled' over the whole story.
The characterization and plot -
As for the characters, make us see the protagonist of the story, Akiko. Let us completely view the picture of the girl you have in your mind. Let us imagine so deeply that we think its someone who really does exist! I had a little trouble telling if it was a girl or a boy at the beginning. I can see the talent you have when I sense the protagonist's feelings as she thinks back to her mother's death. Perhaps a little more effort on actions, or subtle actions, you could enhance the character a bit more.
The plot, left me a bit confused. It was rather disappointing that the title suggested a vampire romance yet there was nothing relative to the title in the story. It seemed to revolve around losing her mother and dealing with that problem, perhaps having a difficulty in overcoming it. Perhaps this is a draft piece? Is it planned to continue later? I recommended to put a little note in it if so. I do hope you continue this if so! I really liked the tough, rather cynical character of the girl in the story. We don't come across a colorful character such as this everyday! So I hope to hear more about what the title suggested, as this story now only is subjective to a single scene.
Technicalities -
Please understand that I am no expert in punctuation/grammar or spelling. But I am only pointing out what I thought might make your work much better with a bit of editing
 i mean, c'mon who doesn't? : "i" should be capital here. Such a casual style of writing might be appropriate when chatting online or sending a message to a friend perhaps. With a little brush-up of these teeny problems, your work may come out shining like a cleaned up rough diamond!
My black and blonde emo style hair: I am not so sure if "blonde" should have an 'e' at the end. I would also like to suggest you to write 'emo-style' with a hyphen in the middle, or perhaps put 'emo' in apostrophes(''). This is because it is not exactly a word, it is rather a stereotypical name given to a style. When so many people of all areas of the world read a writing, its better to be more descriptive rather than using technical words, or it could be used still within a dialogue to exactly point out the style the protagonist practices.
EVERYONE:I take this was written in uppercase letters to show emphasis. It throws me off a bit when it's used like that, perhaps it could be appropriate for screams of startled expressions in a dialogue. Otherwise for lighter emphasis, I suggest to make it 'bold' or put it in 'italics'. Just my opinion, it might not be really a problem with everyone.
Heh heh, Ivy just got ditched : Perhaps "heh heh" could be put in italics. furthermore, since its a first person narrative, it might be a good idea to use italics for all of the leading girl, Akiko's 'thoughts'. This would make it easier and would look more professional for a reader.
In a nutshell -
This is a good effort in writing a story. Let me share something I go through regarding short stories. I get a powerful spurge of inspiration and I run to get it down into words. Yet when I start off, I may realize it was unnecessarily dragging on too long for it to be a 'short story'. Then I have to go back and edit and see how I can complete every aspect of the story for it to be better. I repeat, I am no expert. But it's always tricky to write a good short story, with specific, precise and simple descriptions and have a dynamite plot as well! This might be the little problem with your work. Or like I mentioned before, this might be your draft. If so, do mail me the edited version, I would love to explore it!
I also liked how you put double-meaning to the word 'cold'. A very metaphoric touch to it, as it suggests both the weather and how it made the girl feel after her mother's death.
I found this writing pretty interesting because it seems like it holds a lot of great potential to become something better. You have a knack for good dialogues, and I also liked how you characterized Asa: "Aki, how can you walk around like that?" Asa asked, tilting her head slightly to the side, her blonde hair cascading over... Bravo! it was a very good line. Here the description is combined with an action, makes it easier to imagine!
This is simply one reader's P.O.V of your writing. Explore deeper into your work and believe in what you do. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to ask! I would gladly help with what I know and I apologize for any mistakes I might have made (That is how we learn after all! ). Keep on writing!
Cheers! With All Due Respect:
Karasu |
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