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Review by jbittner Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
First of all, be carefull with cliche's like "With solemn eyes" they will cripple your reader. It took three expansive paragraphs before I could start to understand where the story was or where it was going. "Relizing" is not a word. Be carefull with the over use of a word or words for that matter, (gaze & solemn are examples of this. If you over use words that are not exactly common, they will stick out like a sore thumb, I know it is one of my own flaws)
reinvent ways to say things, "mutely" was a good choice how she did her chores, the only thing is that "mutely" often expresses contempt, and I am not sure if Emra is showing contempt.

Overall it seems a bit overwritten, sometimes its best to leave it and come back fresh, it will start to leak out, draft after draft it will become a polished stone.
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