As always Angus, I really enjoyed your writing. You brought the hanging alive and made my heart beat a little quicker for the protagonist. I liked how you brought all his senses into it, the feel of the rope on his neck, the sounds around him. Whenever I see your name attached to a story on the newsletter I give it a read as I know it will be good.
Thanks for the stories.
I really enjoyed your story. I actually started reading yesterday but I found it difficult to read it with the font. But it was a good story and i was intrigued so I came back to it today and I'm glad I did. I did find the font annoying though, it's kind of green and it feels like everything is in italics. But hey if the worst thing I can say about your story is that I don't like the font that's a good thing :)
The story was interesting and you set a great scene the whole way through incorporating sound and smell along with your visual descriptions.
I did notice that you reused the same phrases in a few places and it gives you a weird sense of deja vu when reading to read nearly the same phrase as you read previously, again. For example;
the sweet smell of freshly cut alfalfa whiffed passed their noses as they walked along the dirt road.
A musty, rotting smell whiffed past their noses.
In both cases you used the expression whiffed past their noses.
I'm really looking forward to reading some more of your stories, from your bio I see you write for children, i'm sure they love this kind of story. It's exactly what my 12 year old self loved to read. In fact I still do!
Your characters were very realistic and really love the descriptive quality of your work.
As with Envy, this was really well written. You have a good way with narrative and it makes for easy reading. My only complaint is that these pieces are a bit short, I think you could expand them into longer pieces. But hey, wanting to read more is hardly a bad complaint ;)
I found Gluttony to be a bit funny but mostly just quite disgusting, which I enjoyed. There was only one sentence that I think you could improve;" Harris picked Sandy up and to her surprise, took her to her bedroom where they made passionate lovemaking to finish the night."
I think that should read "they made passionate love" Or "they enjoyed some passionate lovemaking". They "made passionate lovemaking" is a bit awkward.
I really enjoyed this story. It was well written and I enjoyed the twist at the end. I also enjoyed how you linked it up with Gluttony with the diner scene, that was very clever. This is my favourite out of the two Seven sins pieces and I am looking forward to reading the next 5.
There was no spelling or grammar mistakes I could see and there was only two places in the story where I stumbled and had to go back and reread. The first was in the first paragraph where you called the tea nectar, I just found it a bit cheesy and I don't think the rest of the piece is cheesy, but that's just a personal thing.
The other part was this sentence; "Cassie was cut off before she could finish her thoughts, a sloppy-joe finding its way down her chest and onto her lap, covering her sundress in disgusting chili and sesame seeds. "
I had to re-read that sentence a couple of times to get it to make sense to me. It makes sense as it is it's just a little awkward. And again, just in my opinion.
As I said, I'm looking forward to reading the rest!
I really enjoyed your story. It was well thought out and the characters were realistic. I especially liked the ending, It would be a great addition to a book of short stories for children.
Your dialogue is well written and easy to follow also.
Bob the start of the story is very interesting and a very good idea for a short story, showing someones paranoid delusions and obsessive habits.
I think you lost some of this towards the end though. Also I think its unrealistic that Angie would let the other women in jail have sex with her. It's not necessary to the plot and I think you can afford to cut that part.
First of all, really good idea for a story. It has a bit of west side story drama. There are quite a few typos that I think detract from your story. I have outlined these below for you.
I like the main character. You have made him a nice guy and that shines through as you read the story. Perhaps a bit more description of April might help make her more real.
Best of luck with your writing and have fun!
J xxx
Review first line: I locked up the front door, being the last one done work
Review line: I got into the parking lot from the corner of my eyes was Trevor, and Anthony; it was weird that my girlfriend’s brother and cousin were in the parking lot.
Review line: An i.v was inserted into my arm and was given some oxygen.
Review line: I woke up surrounding by a nurse checking my vital signs.
Watch your tense in this line : The last thing I wanted was to move around. I have no energy at all, and I was in extreme agony.
Review these lines: “Like what?” I asked, “Last night something I wish not to be repeated,”
“Tell me,” I said. “Do you know who really attacked you last night? No one can help you Nick if you aren’t honest.” (I think that should read she said not I said.)
Loved this story. It was worth logging on just to read it. So many stories on here rush towards the end but this was perfectly paced and even though it was a short story the characters were still well rounded. Again, really really enjoyed it.
Great idea for a story and it definitely has a very creepy ending. I think you should take some time to expand it slightly as it moves too quickly and it would be easier to set the errie atmosphere for the reader if it was paced better. Terrific ending though, one of the creepiest I've read in a while. :)
I loved your story. It reminded me of the horror books I used to read in my teens. It could do with a little editing and I think if you expand some of the shorter paragraphs it will slow the pace as it feels a bit rushed towards the end. Great job! And the illustration is great too.
I loved this story. Loved the style and the character of Alice. It was very entertaining I hope you keep writing in this genre! I think maybe the ending could do with a little bit of editing or elaboration. Otherwise, well done it was great!
I like your story, it's very interesting and I enjoyed reading it. It's a good concept and I would have kept reading to find out more which is a sign of good writting in my opinion :D
There are a few typos which I have highlighted here for you;
"As he drove down the highway at 3.30 in the morning. He looked down at the"
I think that should read a comma not a full stop.
"no sign of them yet that’s good I might just make. It then its down to fate“
Again the sentance is fragmented, the full stop should be removed and either placed after the "it" or a comma placed.
"his face to slice away some of the sweat that was starting too sting his eyes."
This should read "to" not "too"
"and then come to a stop only a few mitres from the "
meters?
I don't think this is long enough to be a full chapter. Maybe a prologue or the start of a chpter but it's only about 900 words. I would recommend you expand it further.
As I said above, I did enjoy reading it and if you write any more, feel free to send it on to me. I'd love to know what happens next!
For impact in the last paragraph, I think I would space it out a bit more and maybe add some more punctuation to slow the reader down when they are reading it. I had to read it three times to get the full meaning.
It really is a strange coincedence if it's true :D I hope nothing else happens when you're around or they might have to take another look at you :P
All in all, great story, great spelling and grammer, it flowed well and I enjoyed reading it.
I think you have a great idea here. There are a few typos here and there and maybe a bit more punctuation and paragraphs are needed. I think the best thing you could do is expand this piece. It feels a little like you are telling the story to the reader instead of showing it. If you expand it a bit more and use some more paragraphs, I believe it will make the piece really pop. It really is a great concept that you have and the last paragraph is fantastic! I really didn't see it coming!
Keep writing and I hope this was helpful.
I clicked on this because of the song :) I love it one of my favourites. I'm glad I did, I really enjoyed your piece. Is it part of a larger story or a stand alone piece? either way I enjoyed it :)
Wow super creepy :) You really got into the mind of the killer and it made for a really tense piece. I enjoyed the descriptions and the pace of the story. I especially like this description, " The powder-charred hole in the pillow was in the dead center of the petal-like blooms of blood, the tissue giving it a pinkish hue." I was also suprised at the end as I thought she was just sleeping! :)
I really enjoyed this piece. I liked this paragraph especially "By the time I was ready to go off to college, number three in my class; right behind the head cheerleader and the football quarterback, I'd become used to not quite blending in. I was remarkable for being unremarkable. I was a ghost, and though no one could remember who I was, they all had a sense I'd been there. I doubt anyone could match my face to the single clear picture of me in the high school yearbook, even though I was in the background of many others; a simple shadow without a clue"
It was very elegantly written. Is this the strat of something you are working on or a stand alone piece? It works very well as a stand alone piece but if you are expanding it further I would very much like to read it, so let me know!
It's a great idea for a short story and I didn't know where it was going but I was pleasently suprised. :)
Wow, great story. It was long but kept me interested until the end. I loved your descriptions "Far back in the horizon and below dark, ominous clouds it loomed intimidatingly, and I found myself moving ever the more closer towards this sprawling structure of doom" and this one "And beside him, to his right, there stood a she-goat, with the body of a woman, and the head of a goat, pierced with earrings in every crevice of her naked being".
The twist and the end was very interesting and I have to admit, I did not see it coming. The style of the piece reminds me of some of the Irish Ghost stories I would read in terror when I was younger.
WOW! That was amazing. got chills reading it. It was long but it kept me enthralled the whole way through. It's a fantastic premise for a story and you did it so well. I'm so glad I read it :)
There's definatley lessons to be learned from it. You could probably get a novel out of it, if you were so inclined. I'd read it.
-Jayne
Wow this was a really powerful piece. It actually gave me chills, The atmosphere was perfect, engaging and expectant. I loved this line "I force down the rest of the day shard by shard. "
The two elements of the story ran perfectly side by side. It is a difficult thing to do but at no point was I confused. Towards the end I found myself nearly holding my beath wondering what would happen.
I'll look forward to reading more of your work.
-Jayne
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