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The intent of this Royal Flush Review is to examine everything in a novel or short story. Grammar, format, plot, characters, imagery, dialogue, etc.
The Hook:
After reading the first paragraph, the reader MUST continue to read. The reader knows that someone is sneaking around, but is it a good guy or a bad guy? What is the character's goal? After reading the opening, it is impossible to not continue. Good job.
Grammar:
There are a few spots that may need to be looked over. For the most part, you have written any actions in the past tense. There is a sentence that reads, "I wonder why." This self asked question follows the part in the story when Bliss sounds panicky. Maybe it shouls be switched to "wondered".
In another sentence, there is this statement:
"...sending my foot into his face; sending him to the floor."
I think it would be better if a comma replaced the semi-colon.
In that same part, there is also this:
"I toppled the desk on top, trapping him."
This just doesn't quite sound right to me. Maybe by adding something like, "I overturned his desk onto his motionless body, pinning him to the floor." Or something along those lines.
In the final dialogue, it reads, '"Take your child and run if you want to live" I suggested.' Think about putting a comma inside the quotes between "live" and "I".
All of these are very minor. By no means am I an expert on these things, just my opinions.
Structure:
I liked the structure, with one exception. The opening line is apparently a thought by the main character. It stands alone and asks two questions. It makes me ask myself, Who is the "one", and what did he/she do? One of the questions is apparent and the other remains to be answered. This is fine, seeing as this is one chapter of a story. But, the line just seems out of place. Maybe if you were to incorporate it elsewhere in the story, it may fit better. Again, this is only my opinion.
Plot:
The plot continues to evolve and keeps me reading. I know that the main character was sent to kill a rich person who is aware that he did something wrong. I also know that this person mentions other people's names which shows that there is more to the present storyline.
Characters:
Not much is revealed in detail about the characters. I am not sure what either one looks like, male or female, although I can somewhat picture them in my head by the way that they interact with each other. I think the jury is still out on the characters until more is written.
Overall Impression:
I will address this at the end of the review.
Dialogue:
The dialogue was good. I really liked the response by Daetia when Bliss is saying that it wasn't his fault. It reveals a little of his/her personality.
Ending:
Well, this isn't really an ending. As an end for a chapter, yes I liked it. But I think for reviewing purposes, this would pertain to the whole story.
Overal Impression:
Overall, I liked it. I think there is room for improvement, but I think that there is room for improvement in ANY writing. I am definitely looking forward to reading more of this story. I want to see the characters develop and find out what a person did to deserve death by fire. Keep writing!
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