Wow. That is a really sad story. I am so sorry that such a thing would happen to you. Though you didn't explain how, in the end, you came to find the knowledge of that night. The story, itself, was a very gripping one. I felt as if I couldn't leave my seat, and I wanted to know the ending. You definitely know how to hold a reader. I hope that this ability manifests itself more, in stories hopefully less tragic than this. You are very talented. Remember that.
THE OPINION
I think this was a very nice poem. It is filled with metaphor and has a good level of vagueness that is needed in a poem like this.
THE PROS
-Your metaphorical job
-Your level of clarity (not too ultra-clear, malleable and interpretive)
-The emotion conveyed
THE CONS
-Some of the rhymes were quite a stretch
-The first and fourth paragraphs don't fit your ABAA rhyme scheme
-The emotion was a bit too faint
Very good, though there are some discrepancies. As I did not know what a baryonyx was, I looked it up and a quick perusion of the Wikipedia page on it noted that it only ate fish. Also, the sentence "The Baryonyx had totally smashed it into the ground" seemed kind of unprofessional with the use of the word "totally". Other than that and a few other minor things, this is a good story. It's as concise as it needs to be without being squashed.
I like this very much. It is an intriguing beginning, and I like how you mixed the movie with the book to create a perfect "this is not canon but I'm not outright telling you that" environment. Although you used the Malcolm from the movie, (which I didn't think worked for the character) you gave him a purpose other than "Mr. Foreshadowing Tool, Resident Mind-Blower" that satisfied me. After I write this, I am definitely going to read the next chapters.
Very deep. One of the few stories that touches on the concept of tulpae. It could have been a bit longer, maybe included a storyline of some sort, but I like it. You have a voice and it is prominent. I'd love to see more of these characters and how they solve their problems.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jakethemaster
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:48am on Nov 28, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "