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18 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Apart  Open in new Window.
Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wonderful visuals in this, I can feel the pain.

I hope you find the following constructive;


The judge asks if I agree with what you want
And all I can say is "I do".
I look at you, beautiful and gaunt, (the word 'ever' sounds pretty and poetic but doesn't seem to make sense here. Try this; look up the definition of the word and see if it still makes sense for what you want to say if you replace the word with the definition, if it does keep it, if not ditch it.)
And see you sign away the lives we once knew. (this change was solely my opinion, it seems to flow better to me with 'and' but 'to' works also, take it or leave it)

We sign in blood (changed 'signed' to it's present tense form for consistency, as the poem begins that way and present tense would work best as a whole for the rhyming of the poem)
To cleanse our sins and our stains.
We dash the red into a flood (The word 'now' was used twice in the same sentence, try this.)
And now only a drop remains. (I might change 'So that' to 'And' or eliminate it altogether and begin with 'Now'.)

I want to fight and scream. (changed 'wanted' to present tense)
You crush my soul against stone (you already used the word 'dash' above, I suggest the word 'crush' but you can do a quick thesaurus search if you would rather use a different word. Removed the plural of 'stones' for better rhyming flow.)
And tore my heart from it's seams (Added apostrophe to 'it's' to indicate the heart's ownership of seams. The comma at the end is not necessary here unless you want and extended pause. Corrected the spelling of seams. Seems = an impression of something / Seams = two edges of fabric sewed together.)
But I stay calm and cold as bone. (changed 'stayed' to present tense)

I couldn't bring myself to say no
Because I had vowed I'd always support you (Capitalized 'Because'. Past tense used correctly here, added the word 'had' to emphasis this, but that is up to you. Comma not necessary here.)
No matter where you go, (added comma to separate the two similar lines and eliminated 'and' in next line for better reading flow.)
No matter what you do.


Write on!

Jae
2
2
Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I liked your poem very much. I especially liked this line; 'As smoke blows across a paper moon'.

Write on!

Jae
3
3
Review of Hands Quieted  Open in new Window.
Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this poem, it has a great emotional quality to it. I did find the random colored words and phrases distracting though. They didn't seem to have any purpose.

Write on!

Jae
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Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked this poem. Very nice.

Now for the reviewy part.

I was curious what this -> ?." <- was? If a sentence is a question it should end with a simple question mark. The period is unnecessary. If this is speech, the apostrophe should be at the beginning of the speech and at the end of the speech.

When the Curtain is pulled will Sounds of Harps music play and Trumpets sound?." < This question mark and friends should be removed from this spot as it is not the end of the sentence
to awake my soul. <insert a question mark here instead of a period

When the Curtain is pulled will my being be array of Shining Rainbow that fill the sky. <Since this is a question, there should also be a question mark instead of a period here as well.


Also this sentence;

When the Curtain is pulled will my being be array of Shining Rainbow that fill the sky.

might read better

as this;

When the Curtain is pulled will my being be an array of Shining Rainbows that fills the sky.

Or this;

When the Curtain is pulled will my being be a ray of a Shining Rainbow that fills the sky.


This last part is a bit confusing,

When the Curtain is pulled my strength within, from the arms of Jesus will be lifted up
to him with rejoicing and praise for my Soul.


it might read better this way;

When the Curtain is pulled my strength within will be lifted up from the arms of Jesus
to him <I am not positive, but if 'him' is referring to God I think it's supposed to be capitalized? with rejoicing and praise for my Soul.


Hope you found this review helpful!

Write on!

Jae


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
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Review of I Am  Open in new Window.
Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed this poem, thanks for sharing!

Write on!

Jae
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6
Review of Phantom  Open in new Window.
Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed this very much!

Write on!

Jae
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7
Review of Don't look  Open in new Window.
Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very nice, thank you for sharing.

Write on!

Jae
8
8
Review of Andy  Open in new Window.
Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The POV seems a bit confusing; moving back and forth from a close third person, to omniscient, and finally to first. Other than that it is an interesting account of an immigrant from the 1930's. Well done.

Here are couple minor typos I found;

“We have three jobs left. Sewage line collapsed under the street. Need to dig a trench and clean out all the s***.”<insert a space here>With a grin on his face, Andy threw a shovel over one shoulder and a pick over the other.

“Digging is the best exercise in the world,” he would say, “You use every muscle in your body, especially when throwing dirt over your head.”.<remove the extra period on the outside of the speech here> Andy dug trenches, shoveled coal, cleaned sewage, emptied trash and had contempt for those that took advantage of him.

Write on!

Jae
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Review of Allegiance  Open in new Window.
Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very inspiring poem! Loved it!

I did find one very minor typo, it's a tricksy apostrophe rule;

their valor for this country's shown

The apostrophe may have been mis-used in this instance. In this sentence the apostrophe would indicate the country's ownership of something -- hey look, I just used it to indicate that the country owned ownership. ;) Since the word 'shown' doesn't belong to 'country' I am led to believe that this would be what was actually meant;

their valor for this country is shown

Now, there are such words that do use an apostrophe to bring two words together like; it is to it's. They are called contractions, and yes, they exist just to make things confusing. ;)

If you're interested, here is a list of contractions I found on a web search; http://www.grammar-monster.com/glossary/contractio...


Hope you found this review helpful! Write on!

Jae
10
10
Review of You were a dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Jae Arden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very moving. I liked it alot.


Hope this review is helpful;

In your piece you mention 'it' at the end of the first and second parts

You were a dream that I always I dreamed about it, you were a dream that I always pray to have it,

I am not clear on what 'it' is pertaining to in this piece unless you were meaning the dream its-self, in that case you may not need the word it in this instance. Instead try;

You were a dream that I always I dreamed about, you were a dream that I always pray to have,

In the same part, the word pray seems like something that happened in the past, in that case you may want to use it's past tense 'prayed';

you were a dream that I always prayed to have,

in this next part;

and today you become a real you become mine,

the 'a' may be unnecessary, and a strategically placed comma may help here as well, in which case the following may read better;

and today you become real, you become mine,

In the same part, you may want to use past tense again depending on how you would like it to come across. If you want present tense, as you have it now - 'today you become real, you become mine,' - I read the meaning as that 'today', in a few seconds, minutes, or hours, you 'become' mine. Or if you would rather use past tense, it would mean that 'today', a few seconds, minutes, or hours ago, you 'became' mine.

With past tense it would read like this;

and today you became real, you became mine,

in the last part there is another 'it' that could probably be removed and the word 'dream' sounds like it should probably be in the past tense;

Change this;

and I promise that I’ll always fight for you no matter what because for me you are everything that I always dream about it and I’m very thankful that you are mine.

to this;

and I promise that I’ll always fight for you no matter what because for me you are everything that I always dreamed about and I’m very thankful that you are mine.

the last thought also seems a little long and for easier reading you may wish to insert another comma to break it up, for instance;

and I promise that I’ll always fight for you no matter what, because for me you are everything that I always dreamed about and I’m very thankful that you are mine.

An alternative way of writing this if you choose, would be to separate each thought to it's own line.

Like this;


(original version)

You were a dream that I always I dreamed about it,
you were a dream that I always pray to have it,
and today you become a real you become mine,
and I promise that I’ll always fight for you no matter what because for me you are everything that I always dream about it and I’m very thankful that you are mine.

(With all suggested changes)

You were a dream that I always I dreamed about,
you were a dream that I always prayed to have,
and today you became real,
you became mine,
and I promise that I’ll always fight for you no matter what,
because for me you are everything that I always dreamed about it and I’m very thankful that you are mine.

Hope these suggestions are helpful! Use all, some, or none of them, it's up to you. ;)

Keep on writing!

Jae
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