I don't know if you meant to do this but there are a lot of รข scattered throughout your work. Also, The title and what I'm assuming is your last name is repeated every time you started a new page. I don't know if this was done on purpose but it's rather distracting. Another thing is the sentences seem a bit stilted, of course that could be because it's supposed to be a children's book but I feel that it affects the flow. It seemed to get better near the end. That's all from me, good job and keep writing. :)
One must always start a new paragraph when someone speaks. I believe that will help as I find this story a bit dense. It's hard to read because the chunks are so big.
Wow, that was truly awe-inspiring. The dialogue seemed to flow naturally. I love the characters. I especially liked how you portrayed Alyssa's feelings. Good spelling and grammar. I think this story stood out for me more then others would have because a similar experience happened to me. Except my Dad lived and I am forever grateful for it. Overall I think you have a awesome story.
I love this because it's so true. Sometimes I feel like thats what I do everyday. One way to improve this is to put capitals where capitals are needed. For example on wake would be a good place
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| (4.5)
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