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Review by Jackie Laclède Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
What an interesting short story. There were a few things that I noticed that you could tweak to smooth it over:

In the intro paragraph, you briefly break into the first person; it may be helpful to reread the text and determine if you want it to be in first or third person. It seems like most of it is in third person otherwise. There were a few mechanical errors: one place "John" needs capitalizing, and in another place you used "your" instead of "you're." Also, "peddle" is spelled "pedal."

The plot twist was interesting! It teeters on the verge of deus ex machina; it may be helpful to reflect if this is what you are going for. Is your aim mythology? sci fi? humor? Honing in on this focus may be helpful to make a clearer story.


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