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Review of Flight  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm going to try something new, for me, by including your piece and making comments in it. I enjoyed reading your short story, but I'm going to give you some polishing to consider below:

"You ready?" Ronan looked back at Darragh, who was adjusting himself on the prince's back, the uncertainty plastered on his face made Ronan smirk a little.

"No! What in the gods' names are you plannin'?!" Darragh's grip tightened on Ronan's shirt, the thin cloth keeping his nails from digging into the skin of his palms. He stared out onto the water that crashed against the cliffside, the smell of salt water overwhelmed the hunter's nostrils and heightened his unease.

Ronan let out a laugh in response, his hearty voice rumbling in his chest as he prepared to sprint. "Well, hurry up and get ready then!" His grin widened, determination gleaming like newly polished armor in his eyes. He adjusted the hunter once more on his back, keeping a tight grip around the other man's legs as he mentally prepared himself.

The realization of Ronan's plan slowly dawned on Darragh as he stared into the prince's eyes Not sure he is in a position to see into the prince's eyes if he is on his back?; The determination in his stare, and the readiness of his stance, it was slowly becoming clearer. Fear began to gnaw at him as he thought about the possibility of crashing into the rocks below the cliff, they erupted out of the water like spikes ready to impale the unlucky.

"W-Wait! Ronan, this isn't-!" Darragh couldn't finish his thought before Ronan began to sprint, the cliff edge approached rapidly with each stride; Darragh could hear his heart pound, almost in time with the heavy footsteps of the prince that carried him. Darragh shut his eyes tightly, bracing for the impact of the rocks, but something unexpected happened instead. There was a jolt, the sound of ruffling and flaps, followed by the intense feeling of wind rushing past his face and through his hair.
What had once been Ronan's shirt now felt like... Well, it was coarse, almost oily... The density of it all reminded Darragh of a wolf's pelt. The curiosity ate at him, eventually causing him to slowly open his eyes. When he did, his breath caught in his throat as he stared down at the brown fur that had taken the place of Ronan's skin. His eyes trailed upwards, seeing fur slowly turn to feathers as two giant hawk's wings had erupted from the creature's shoulders, and the head of the beast was what looked like a dire wolf. I'm having a hard time moving from the shirt to skin to pelt. What happened to the shirt? Did it fly off. I doubt it transformed.

Darragh couldn't speak for what felt like centuries--the realization of what had happened hit him like a sack of bricks. His eyes were wide with pure awe and fascination as he stared at the massive creature that he was now riding on. He looked down at the ocean, now nothing more than a blur of blue and white that rushed by far below as it turned into the darkest blues of the sea.

The wolf beast looked back at Darragh, almost smiling as it let out a soft call to break Darragh out of his trance and point his attention to the formation of ships ahead. The sights and realities of their flight left the hunter in a state of stunned amazement; He wasn't sure what he could even say. As they soared past, Darragh saw the flags and sails that carried the sailors, that now looked like small ants in comparison to the two of them.

Writing in small snippets is hard, especially if you are leaving out the context that is in your mind. For example, I found it hard to believe that Darragh wouldn't already know that the prince was a fabulous creature if he knew him well enough to have the banter you described. Otherwise, this is all minor stuff. You made me want to know what was going to happen, where the story goes. Good job.

Keep writing.

David Burke


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Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I like your verse, but I must say that because I have to be honest with you and myself, that it works, but I disagree with the conclusion, the last stanza. Rarely do I believe there is any assurance that my thoughts or those of others will bring forth only truth. In fact, my comments here may prove my point.

Do you have assurance that my comments ring only with truth? I doubt it. I know for a fact that if you ask the members of a group of people to raise their hands, or privately, if they feel they are above average of those in the group in some way, most will raise their hands. That is a statistical impossibility, and that statement is what is true, not their belief.

So, if my premise is true, that you can't assure bringing forth truth, what can you assure? You might promise truth. Perhaps you can assure that someone might know you better.

Does all this mean that you need to change your phrase? No. You don't "need" to do anything. In fact, if you listened to what I wrote, you get to decide whether there is a ring of truth to you in my comments. I sat alone as I wrote this, behind a router's firewall, such comfort bringing me confidence that I can assure you, will assure you, I gave you honest feedback. Does it matter? You get to decide. ;)

Keep writing,

David Burke


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Review of Mowing  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I liked your piece. Dramatic. You force us to think through life connections, to want to think through the connections. You pull us in, and that is what good writing should do.

That being said, I would like you to consider a few things:
One is simple. You end the sixth sentence in the second paragraph with "would." Should that be "world?"

My last comments may be my fault, but I'm not sure. I liked everything up until the middle of the second paragraph, starting with the sentences "Even when the world is filled with malintent, the people in it are not. But the world is loud and people work themselves to the bone just to keep up."

The logic and correlations you so plainly used earlier seem to fall apart for me. You seem to follow the same nuanced writing, but what is the world, if not people? I think only people, not the rest of nature are capable of malintent. Therefore, to say the world is full of malintent, but the people are not strikes me as a non sequitur. Where else would malintent originate?

You then introduce an idea of the world being loud; I agree. But, I don't understand what loudness has to do with fomenting people to work themselves to keep up. What are they keeping up with?

Finally, your last sentence hit me odd, despair. I was taken with what I considered the insight of your whole piece up until this point. You made me think about how there's so much story in the people we don't see, the nature we don't observe, the tracks we take, the dreams we have, the darkness we all walk through together. You then reassure me that when the lights go out, we're all in it together. That felt somewhat reassuring to know that we are experiencing life and should be supporting our fellow sojourners. But, that isn't what happens. In the last sentence, you seem to want to highlight some greed that resides in us, something that morphs into a realization that our beauty, whatever beauty we have, is fleeting in our journey. I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me regarding everything you said earlier.

If I got that right, then be it my preference that I like a happier ending after you made me think of all that I hadn't seen, things that made me regret, but then feel some relief. I'd rather not end it in despair that there is no beauty in anything that you said earlier. After all, if it is all about fleeting beauty, then what is the point?

There you have it. Only you know what you wanted to achieve. If you got what you wanted, great. If you wanted me (the generic reader) to feel something different from what I understood, you may want to consider your wording. Regardless, it is all your choice.

Keep writing,

David Burke


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Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi,

I may have given you a review, but I'm afraid it didn't log it. I don't think I rated it, and the system didn't kick it back to me. Anyway, I made note that reading a long piece like yours always conflicts me because I know authors spend a lot of time on their work. Criticisms hurt, but honesty helps you get better. That is my intention. The beauty of this site is that you can disregard anything I recommend. Regardless, I want you to be a better writer, someone who produces work I want to read. Believe this and hold on. Here we go.

The most important comment/recommendation I have to offer is for you to take a stab at reducing what you wrote by 60%. Yes, throw 60% of it away because it isn't needed. You're robbing me (Please allow me to speak as a generic reader) of using my imagination, and you're taxing my time with a lot of unnecessary words and details.

Consider what I read.
You sneaked up behind an unsuspecting female who you murdered with a knife on a dark night in an empty neighborhood. You created fear in her by talking to her while you prepared for the murder. You carved some nondescript design in her as you killed her, a design you liken to art. Then, you called a "friend" to let them know what you did, and they approved. You think you're smarter than the cops and that you won't get caught. You think to yourself that your fun has only started.

I think I wrote 80% of your piece in one paragraph. If you consider that most readers are already familiar with Jack-the-Ripper, then they can envision your scene without the details. We know bad guys wear black. All these types of stories happen on a dark and dreary night when no one is around to hear. All antagonists talk too much, them trying to invoke some fear. What is not to get in one paragraph and then the rest left to imagination?

The other problem is that you need to make me interested. My condensed version and your version are not interesting. Make me feel something. Make me despise you, love you, pity the victim, sympathize with your demented act, hope for redemption, something. Why should I care about another bad guy killing a girl in a nondescript dark empty location and in a nondescript way that only fascinates the killer? The adjectives used to describe the scene aren't enough. The character needs to have motive, feelings. Is the victim of any consequence? An achievement? Somebody special? With nothing to show for the effort of reading so many words, especially when I can cut it down to 80%, I feel cheated, and I don't have time for it. That is the challenge you face.

You've got to keep the story moving. You've got to engage my imagination. You've got to give me a mystery, not describe the step-by-step details of a murder by someone and to someone, two people I have no reason to care about other than for common decency, in the introduction.

There you have it. I firmly believe that if you take the time to force a 60% reduction, you will become a better writer. I feel certain. Dare to pare.

Keep writing...

David Burke


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Review of Hot Pursuit.  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

Funny story, a memory worth capturing for family posterity. Overall, your piece is well-written. Therefore, I'm only offering what I call polishing recommendations, very small things that make a difference to me. Clearly, you have 6 reviewers who agree that you've done a good job. Here you go:

1. I like the opening with the simple sentences. I would delete "And" and "quite" in the third sentence. Let the sentence stand alone and read bolder, "So, they're not of humans." The veracity of this bold statement will become apparent as the reader reads.

2. I would write in the active voice rather than passive, even if it is about a past event, "I'm sitting in my car, waiting on my son to come out of the library. Fifteen minutes go by. A lady comes out of the library doors, and a turkey falls in line behind her, following her onto lawn." I think you get the idea.

3. I think you should change the last line to continue with the humor. Think about this. With me being the reader, you've just told me what you think is a funny story. If it is really funny, you don't need to tell me that you found it funny as you did in the next to the last sentence. Also, you won't need the last sentence that is more of a flat statement of fact, not funny because it is outside the context of the story.

I would try something like, "A turkey sees my son. My son sees the turkey. I think, 'Run son!' He seems to read my mind. He starts screaming like a banshee and sprinting for the car. The turkey runs in hot pursuit. The car door opens, my son jumps in and slams the door shut. I'm rolling with laughter. I can't help it, even though I know it hurts his pride. I say, 'It will be ok son, the turkey thinks you're food, and probably that turnabout is fair play. Remember, Thanksgiving is not his day.'" I'm being silly here for the sake of providing an example to explain what I'm thinking.

Have a good day and keep on writing,

David Burke


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Review of Elusive  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Overall, I like your piece. You pick a word, and you work with it, giving us a rationale for your choice. On a scale of 1 - 10(high), I have two comments for your consideration, things that register around a 2 for me, small things. First, I felt like you did a better job in the first third of the paragraph, through the word "animals," relating to your "elusiveness." Afterwards, it seemed like you focused on others. I wanted to hear more about you. Second, some of your phrases would have been better off if delineated by commas. For example, "I have lived here my whole life, at least most of it." Not a big deal, but an editor would look for these minor things if you were to submit something for publishing. Again, minor.

Be good,

David Burke


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Review of My Second Entry  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I know what you mean. For me, it is Hallmark. There's always the tragic family story. A girl loses out on some relationship, whether with her job, her boss, or her parents, then she takes a trip somewhere exotic and meets a handsome guy that has no girlfriend. Really? They're always going to get together, but before they live happily ever after, there is an inconvenient misunderstanding. Girl sees her guy hug his sister and mistakes her for a lover. Jealously! Bad guy! Never given a break. Ultimately, she sees her error. She begs forgiveness, they kiss, then, they live happily ever after. The love kiss always happens in the last two minutes of the show. Yes, comedy.

Why is it always the girl? Why does she always fall for a good-looking guy? Why aren't these available guys considered losers? Why does it always work out in the end?

IT SELLS! If we want to sell what we write, we have to write for the audience, not to satisfy ourselves. Your and my story lines discussed never get old.

Enjoy!!!

David Burke


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Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I like your piece. Well written. I do have two minor things that I offer for your consideration. One, the sentence, "With the two of us at a standstill, the boiling sun reminds us of its presence," didn't work for me. Up until that sentence, there seemed to be a sense of stillness, serenity, and mystery, but then this sentence jarred me. Where did the sun come from? Why do I need to know about it? I started being more concerned about it, looking for it, being distracted by it. I'd delete it.
I'm reminded about how people in theater say that every prop has a reason, but I couldn't connect the dots for the need for this detail.

Second, I would consider a different word for "slinks." A creature, person, or being slinks, not a part of an entity. My cat's tail twitches, and I often wonder whether he can control the last 2 inches of his tail when that is the only part that moves. Slink also has a negative connotation, and your cat seems confident and positive.

Finally, and not related to the comments above, I didn't get the ending. At best, I related the sharp pains in the chest and the difficulty breathing to descriptions of a heart attack. But, I found myself unsure when that was mixed with the mysterious vanishing of the cat and the wonder about whether cats talk to each other when people aren't around. Was that what you wanted?

Now, you have decisions to make. Fact: I am only one reader. Fact: I gave you feedback. Fact: Only you know what you intended for the reader. Therefore, only you know whether it achieved your goal for me. Decision: Do you change it?

As I said, your piece is well written as-is. Only you need to be happy with it.

Regards,

David Burke

P.S.
My cat would have turned and given me the finger. Then, he would have asked, "Are you still warm? I'm waiting." ;)


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Review of Kaizen  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

I like your piece. It found myself smiling when I read about your discussion with your son. My son and I have ended the same kinds of discussions/debates the same way.

I want you to try something. Swap the order of the first and second paragraphs. I think it reads better that way. Start your piece with the insight you had about yourself when you were having the discussion with your son. You remembered a technical term, kaizen. You will then define that term for your readers in the second paragraph. Finally, you share your hope for your future in the third paragraph.

Minor recommendations:

I would shorten the second sentence of your as-written first paragraph by deleting the first phrase, "It refers to a ... that." Just start with "Small continuous....." Or, you could start with something like, "Basically, kaizen means that small continuous...."

Then, I would rewrite the second sentence because you intend for "whose goals" to modify American business employees, not American businesses. For example, you could write something like, "Unlike American employees who believe 'they have arrived' when 'they have reached the top,' Japanese employees practicing kaizen never stop striving to do more."

Finally, I would consider changing the word "timeline" in the third paragraph to "achievement."

Ultimately, remember that I am only one reader. This is your work, not mine. Test it out what I've provided. Use it or trash it. The decision, like what you wrote, is all yours.

Regards,

David Burke


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Review of RIB  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked what you wrote. You taught me something about a naval exercise. You gave me an emotional jolt. I cringed at the thought of that drill, and I was thankful that there are those who learn those skills and become proficient in them. I would not. I clearly visualized your experience. Finally, I felt that you were sincere in taking responsibility, feeling responsibility.

I think you've done the hard part in having achieved these qualities. Now, I think you would benefit in a challenge to cut 25% of the words. I stole this from someone (maybe Stephen King), but I think it is appropriate. There is nothing magic about 25%. It could be 30 or 40%. The point is that I wanted to get the story with less effort. I felt like you could do it because you're starting with good material. Besides, so what if you can't and you end up back where you started? It is still a great piece.

David


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Review of They Are My Home  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Oh, my first review of the year, and it is challenging. Why? I don't know what to do with it! I'll start with what the piece did.

I got a sense of wonder from the author, wonder that some entity, whomever that may be, would want a relationship with the author who found themselves thinking they were harmful, hurtful, and unappreciative.

I got the sense that this wonder never stops, it loops through the author's head without end.

There is no resolution.

Now, you have to decide whether I read it as intended. I cannot tell.

Option A: What I described is what you wanted from the reader. Be aware that as a reader, I got bored with the redundancy. There was nothing new for me after half-way through the piece. I've lived the experience of never-ending loops of same thoughts with someone who had Alzheimer's. I felt very sad for them, and I could only pity the story lines because I doubted them because they were unhinged from the reality I had lived with them and how they had described their lives during better times.

Option B: You are disappointed in how I read it and wanted there to be more clarity. If so, I recommend that you eliminate the redundancy and give the reader more specificity about who is giving you the affection the author needed. Describe what hard edges were improved. Make the reader appreciate those who helped the author other than just accepting that the author found value in them. Then, provide some closure to the passage.

Option C: I'm completely off base and missed the point. If you wanted that, you got it. I end as I started. I didn't know what to make of the "story." Maybe this is what you wanted.

Know that I've tried to be respectful in this review. These are all varying perspectives I would choose in trying to understand the piece. Every writer has intent, but they don't own the reader's interpretation. Only the writer can answer whether their intent was met. What say you? I give the piece three stars only because I could not understand it, and I prefer things that I enjoy reading. This is the privilege of every reader. Readers owe authors nothing. Authors will grab some readers and not others.

Regards,

David

Option B:

Option B:


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Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Here, here! I like it. Although I guessed where you were going by the second line of the second stanza, I didn't guess the last line. I wanted to wait.

My comments are preferences more than anything else:
1) From an aesthetic standpoint, I'd rather not see the numerical representations, 50, 1/10, and 30. Like Pavlov's dog, I slobber, me thinking about engineering.
2) I would rather hear the ring of 1/10 of them gone, than it gone.
3) The last phrase seems awkward to me. I think I'd say something like the "the wide grin of their sharp teeth shining through their embroideries. I can't see something masked, and I want you to make me see the image as you've done with the rest.

Good job!!!
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Review of Before Quarantine  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

First, I like it. I can relate. Touching. I find poetry hard to review because I'm convinced there are no hard and fast rules. In poetry everything is so condensed, and any author can defend their verses. Know that I am trying to convey my respect for what you've written before I offer anything for consideration.

Ultimately, I'm expecting symmetry. Your first stanza's rhythm has some chop to it, abbreviated phrasing that makes me use my mind to fill in the blanks. I find myself liking the challenge. But, then your second stanza includes more complete phrasing, and I find myself missing the excitement of found in reading the first. Dare I set hammer to someone else's sculpture?

That little red petal dark alone
No concern
She smiled I back a kiss at last
Then home yet fearing
Won't last must give my best
oh no!
She's gone

I only provide the above to demonstrate the rhythm I was expecting, nothing in the way of wording recommendations. Yet, I have one other unrelated recommendation: Be consistent with capitalization: Fire Hair Girl.

Good work. Keep it up.

David Burke


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Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello. I find you write wonderfully well regardless of whether I agree with you. The fact that you held my attention when, in fact, I do disagree with you is a testament to your writing skill. Otherwise, I would have stopped after the first paragraph.

There's a part of me that wants to refrain from reviewing because I'm unsure as to what right someone has, or whether it is right, to critique someone's personal musings. So what if a diary is filled with cryptic notes, sentence fragments, and grammar errors. Was it ever meant for someone else to read?

All I can truly do is characterize what I've read. You are a person with high standards when it comes to documenting your thoughts in a diary.

Regards,

David Burke (aka Jack Stone)


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Review of More Lysol!  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Great poem. I love the rhyme, the comedy of Lysol in contrast with the emotion. There is only one thing that I would consider and that is your fourth stanza. All other stanzas ring perfect, but this one clashes with the others to me.

For example, where else would one be buried if not beneath ground? The mound seems of lesser importance than what you bring forth in the other stanzas. I would have been startled with this:

I buried you solemnly in the ground
No one saw that you were bound
Though trees stood witness all around
They hid your final resting sound

Just something to think about.....

Regards,

David Burke (AKA Jack Stone)


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Review of Waltz  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

A musing is hard to rate because I doubt seriously that you are writing for other's formal consumption. Nevertheless, I'll dare to tread where I fear I'm not wanted. Know that I only want to help...(with some humor).

In your first sentence, I want to turn my head with a with a "phew!" Morning breath sounds disgusting. In your second sentence, do birds chirp to melodies made by others? And, why would anyone want to turn their head to escape the shadows? Is there something sinister this glorious morn?

These are only minor things for your consideration. If, however, your musing was as you expressed it, far be it from me to revise history!

Regards,

David


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Review of The Hero  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Dear Ordinary Guy,

I have absolutely no doubt that your heart is in the right place and that you are striving to write well, but I ask that you start with one goal on your piece....eliminate the purple prose. And, before you feel that I am your enemy or mean, please look up the definition on Google and defend why your piece would not be so characterized. (I've had many people get upset over my "purple prose" characterizations.) Know that I am in your corner and will defend free speech. It is your piece. I am only one reader providing my perspective.

Your humble reader,

David


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Review of High School  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I think your piece is instructive. You write with a sense of being genuine. That being said, I would like you to consider some of the technical aspects of your piece. In your first sentence you state that you are "stuck in between." That implies two things joined by an "and" instead of a "but" and "also" as you've done. I'm not sure dimming of pain is symbolic if you then provide a concrete example. Do you really need the word "symbolic" to make the point? Finally, it is unclear to me how a feeling begins to overuse itself. That implies that the feeling has some sort of autonomy.

Writing is personal. Editing involves a push and pull between author and editor, the author always feeling misunderstood. I say this to temper your reaction and to understand my intent is to make you better, not change you. Ultimately, you can keep anything you want.

Your humble reader,

David


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Review of The Wall  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Jillian,

I've read a number of your poems, and you are good, especially if you're cranking these things out on the timeline they're being posted! I like reading poetry because the message, the emotion, is so intense, being written in so few words. I also hate providing a critique because I think poetry is so personal, and rarely does the author seem to want to hear anything other than "Wow, fantastic!" Ok, you got that from me already, and now I'll dare walk the plank.

The only thing that strikes me a little discordant is in the third line. If you can fly, you're not going to hit the ground and break your bones. Perhaps if you were to fall? Everything else was spot on.

Your humble reader,

David


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Review of All the Things  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmmmm…...being a Christian, and you offering up a "religious" genre poem, I have to say that your last line surprised me!

People are depraved. Happened with the fall.
Yes, nothing lasts, all of our desires on earth pass away...without faith, let us do as Nietzsche suggested, despair.
But, with faith of a better future, an eternity beyond, prayer is all we have to build upon that faith. Why is that not the conclusion? Why would we ever expect more?

Just a thought. (Oh yes, I do get it. If we lose our faith, why pray? But, maybe that was the real delusion. There was no faith to begin with.)

Your humble reader,

David


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Review of Fog  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Good, you've built suspense, and I want to know what happens. Can you keep me interested? That's the question, the challenge. Here are a few things you might want to consider. Let's start with my synopsis: For whatever reason, you're on a date in the fog with a guy named Bobby. You're headed back to the truck, but fog rolled in. You hear things in the fog that scare you. Bobby heads back to the truck. You get impatient waiting on a bench and find your way to the truck. No Bobby. Fall asleep in truck only to be awakened by a cop tapping on your window. Bobby dead at back. You scream.

You introduce some things that seem to distract, or not make sense, in this context. You're holding Bobby's hand in the first line, then you scream as if he's not right there beside you. The reactions to such a scream and the conversational dynamic after such an event are questionable.

You introduce not wanting to go for another date with Bobby only because the fog rolled in? There seems to be no intent on his part, especially given the ending, that he had done anything wrong.

The cop tapping on the window as you sit in the truck asleep is cliché. Surely, you can come up with a more original way of getting from finding truck to unconsciousness to cop to realizing boyfriend is dead. (We want to avoid the zombie movie issue, that we already know that all zombie movies start with someone waking up from a coma in a hospital a month after the zombie outbreak.) And, why does the cop slam you against the car if he's assuring you that he'll get you home?

Nope, nope, nope, avoid thinking I'm being terse.....just lazy writing a bunch of words and trying to get my point across. Writing is tough stuff. I'm just a reader who is willing to let you know how it hits me. You get the joy of deciding whether to consider it or throw it out. Know that I wish you the very best.

Your humble reader,

David


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22
22
Review of Man Among Men  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Love it. So true. I think often of where I stand in line from beginning to my end...behind my Dad, behind his Dad, on and on. You captured it so well. That being said, there is one thing that I would ask you to consider changing because I can't relate to it...…

I don't think of myself as drinking a poison. That seems suicidal rather than fighting the good fight only to tragically lose against curse.

Your humble reader,

David


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23
23
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think I start each poetry critique the same way....apologizing, careful to avoid making an offensive comment about what is clearly someone's heartfelt emotion wrapped in words. Who dares offer a change?

Oh well, here it goes...… The piece is packed with emotion, and the only thing that I would offer for your consideration is what seems to me to be a conflict between the feeling I have with the first stanza where you are smiling sweetly and thinking of what could be and a later stanza where you are filled with hate. No doubt, there is a razor's edge between love and hate, but the present tense for these feelings, how you've written it, seems to clang rather than ring.

I think it is a simple fix with some past tense hatred...…


Your humble reader,

David


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24
24
Review of Future generation  Open in new Window.
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

Good. Here are few suggestions:
1. "Every day holds a memory to be made.." (The memories are yet to be made.)
2. "Every day holds a risk to take... (Similarly, risks are yet to come.)
3. Why should we be led to believe that every breath has a tear? (depressing thought)
4. Similarly, I'm turned off by the idea of smiles being connected to scars. You've already used the word "scar" earlier, and that is enough. Can you connect smiles with something positive, someting to look forward to? Or, maybe "Hurts will heal and we will smile..."
5. "But pain is nothing to keep us from living, if only for a little while.."
6. "lessons learned and scars embedded" seems so clinical
7. Similarly, "embodiment" seems formal....maybe "We are the memories we collected..
8. "We are the future" skip generation.
9. Delete "We are the future leaders" This is the first you've brought up the topic of leadership, and it seems out of place.


Although, I've provided you a lot of text, the ideas are simple. But, it is your poem.......


Enjoy,

David


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25
25
Review by David Burke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello... Poetry, poetry, how hard to critique,
Is it really
Or is my mind just weak?

I want to love your poem, but I'm struggling with why anyone would let their blind friend trip in the first place. Noble to see someone in need and let them trip? If I'm the blind person, I'm thinking about Star Trek: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."


Without the rhyme challenge, what do you want to convey? There are some lessons that can only be learned through experience, like a child learning that a stove is hot. No matter how much we want them to learn through instruction, they will eventually touch it.....never having to be told again. I feel like you're trying to write a variation on the theme...you want the person to experience need, so they will appreciate your steady hand. Only in this case, you're allowing the supposedly reliable hand to fail.


All this being said, I don't know what to suggest for your consideration. Maybe the best thing I can offer is my interpretation.....the knowledge that someone else may read it differently than you intended.


Regards,

David


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