I picked this piece at random. Normally I don’t have too much of a fondness for poetry, but I was fond of this piece. It flowed freely and I found this to be the best of poetry. Now I can see why you have mostly positive 5 stars.
I read your piece with great interest. I especially like the involvement of writing with various characters being involved in the piece. The thing I didn't like about it is that you deal to much with complexity. if you actually wrote that way you might bore your reader to death. If you're not an expert one thing I have always learned is that you should know your target audience and if your not knowledgeable expert I would do just the best you can do or leave it alone and pick a simpler topic. I can guarantee that 80% of people or more would have a hard time reading. your piece. A word of advice literature was made for the reader not the writer.I think your the opposite. I believe to much expertise is your problem.
The American Financial Crisis
You Say:
''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend
that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline
it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we
purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap
it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes
and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been
doing my part. "
That’s a very good idea on spending on prostitutes and beer. The problem is a little bit more complicated than that. The federal government of the U.S.A. has to live in an international market place. If you start to put tariffs on all imports you will have a trade war and no one will buy our products.
You Say:
1.” Money does not grow on trees. Printing dollar bills in a printing press does not create money. It seems that is what USA has been doing.”
It also leads to a larger deficit. “I can assure you that the use of credit cards is responsible for a large problem of the part of the financial problems in the U.S. The purchase of pocketbooks, clothes, and jewelry are mostly bought with credit cards and it created a cycle of debt were people can’t pay their credit card bills and in so doing drive them into debt.
You say:
... hence the urgency to 'take out" Saddam by hook or by crook. USA was forced to create the bogey of WMD for this purpose. It knew pretty well that legally, any country is within its rights to demand payment for goods in the currency of its choice. The day Saudi Arabia stops supply of oil against dollars and demands Euros, the USA would be finished. But, that would never happen. It is widely believed that it has a secret pact with SA to look the other way while human rights and democracy are trampled, so long as SA continues to supply cheap oil against dollar payment. That is how USA is able to camouflage its weak dollar. “
I am not sure you are correct in this matter. Saddam Hussein was taken out for a number of reasons. First of all his biggest mistake was not letting the weapons inspectors since he had nothing to hide. There were no weapons of mass destruction and if he had let them in he would still be there instead of at the end of a noose. Also, Bush was an idiot. Starting a war with a country that did not attack us without realizing the cost in blood and money.
You say:
H. “IN CONCLUSION—The US financial institutions threw caution to winds, for selfish business interests, while granting loans to people with poor repayment capacity. One dangerous consequence of this is the current economic melt-down. It has already occurred. It must be managed prudently. Another potentially far more dangerous consequence, which must be avoided, is another war engineered by USA. The USA, as per economists and historians, tends to take recourse to war as a means of lifting itself out of economic depression.”
I don’t agree with that. Americans in general don’t like starting wars. It could help the economy, but at the cost of millions of lives. The only President that I believe who enjoyed starting a war was George W. Bush.
I think you hit it right on the spot with this one. It was these bad loans that helped create the economic crisis and cause many houses to go into foreclosure.
M C Gupta
MD, LL.M.
27 September 2008, 17 October 2008
Your poetry is very well written.Most of the things I agree with. It is true that the U.S. picked out Afghanistan after 9/11. It is also true that we are good friends with Saudi Arabia probably because of there oil and if you talk about George W . Bush. He is responsible for a lot of the chaos in the Middle East. .The rest of the things are true as well.
I have no opinion about President Obamas health care plan since I have not read it in detail.All that I know is that for a lot of people the system now doesn't work. Nearly 50,000,000 Americans don't have health care.On this forum I have received horror stories of people dying,literally, because they have no insurance. The cost of medical care is ridiculous and that includes medication. If you are poor and disabled you can get medicaid. It will help with medications,but most doctors do not accept it.At least the good ones.
If you know what it is like to live in fear.Live without medical insurance. I had one operation for a bowel obstruction. Including the surgery and hospital it cost $110,000. Luckily I have insurance from my father which I will eventually lose.Also I have a disability and take medications. If I came into the pharmacy and handed them a prescription from my Doctor it would cost $950.00 for a months supply.Now if that doesn't make you think something is wrong with the system. I don't know what will.
I would imagine that it is difficult to write under constraints especially under 300 words and the 3 word constraint. I think you did an excellent job. Even with all those constraints you still came out with an excellent story of a computer user who is a bit of a slob and incites people to anger with his use of a computer.
First I have to say that I am not a big fan of poetry, even the classics. I would have to say that yours is excellent though. The rhyme has symmetry that is perfectly coordinated. It makes for a nice short read.
I enjoyed your story You have a very professional way of writing..I don't know how you managed to put "The God Particle" formally known as Higgs Boson and dark matter into it. I did not see any mistakes,but I am not an expert. Alysia didn't turn out to be the greatest author she thought she was. It is like that in life we all have our expectations that are never fulfilled.
I would like to announce my latest very short story. “The Kingdom of America.” It is unusual to this site as it is a satire. One review gives 4500 Gift Points. I have three other very short stories that give 3000 Gift Points. I appreciate all readers .If your interested in Satire, Health Care, and Politics these are right for you.
A good essay with a moral: "Make use of it, don't let it make use of you." I like the way you quoted Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. It added to the essay. Your essay is full of wise messages.Such as "You see when an opportunity comes around choose with the desire of your heart,..." and "...many people have taken opportunities that they were not destined to take." I would try writing a longer piece. That's just a suggestion because the piece does stand on its own. Also, your grammar and spelling are faulty in a couple locations. I would check it out.
I don't know if this is a work in progress or a complete story. If it is the entire work it really doesn't go anywhere. A man and a woman go to a party and the man speaks to someone. I hate to mention it because I have mentioned it before, but there really is no plot or point to the story.The writing is very good with just the right amount of descriptive prose, but that is the best thing about the story. I think you should continue the story and make a whole story out of it. It has potential.
It was an interesting story with a surprise ending. When she wakes up and finds out that it was all a dream. There is not much more to say. It was a rather short piece, but sometimes the shortest stories are the best.
First of all I should say that I am really not a fan of poetry. I liked your piece though. I would consider one change. On the line that reads; "No time for love, no nothing, ' I would consider changing the "no nothing" to something else. I think the way it is it kind of breaks the flow of the poem. Aside from that I think you have a very good poem.
First of all, the story is very well written . I had a few problems with the story though. It starts out that Al and his friends have some kind of magic power, but this whole matter is forgotten in the last two thirds of the story. Also, the source of the power or any information about it is not included in the story. I would either just drop the whole part about the power or somehow incorporate more of it into the story. Also, I would proof read your entire work. There are just a few places were words should be, but are not.
The way it is written is O.K., but there is not much of a story line. I have to ask the question. Is there a point to this story? I do not see any grammatical errors, but the story line leaves something to be desired.
I enjoyed your shorts story. It was written well and very well told. I think it might be a reflection of what actually happened to you in your real life. I would extend the story though. Possibly giving more detail about the characters.All and all a very good story.
I liked your story and I did enjoy it. It has American Indian overtones.I can't find any way to improve the story except possibly making it longer with more detail.
I read your text with interest.I believe in God, but I also believe in evolution. The two can coexist. God could not explain evolution or genetics at the time the bible was written. People would not understand, but I believe God is the creator and the the bible saying that the earth being created in 6 days is just a metaphor.
I read your work "My Third Person" with interest. It is set in the modern world of office politics. Your main characters main problem is deciding whether to go with the status quo and take the pills or go on her own instincts and not take them. Even though she decided to take the drug it did not help her in her career. The other guy still got the job. I think there is a moral here in just to trust your own instincts. I do not know how the death of her friend falls into place unless it’s just to add some variety. I like the ending as she has her whole life ahead of her with the smarties or not. This story gives a glimpse of what it is like for a young professional career woman to work in an office. It sounds to me that it is just a reflection of what you have experienced in your real life. I thought it was very well written and an interesting read. I saw only one mistake. Obviously a typo. When you say "deleted my Meg, unread" I think you meant "by Meg"
I just read your story "Her Private Business" It deals with a controversial subject: abortion.I liked your writing style and there were no mistakes in grammar or spelling. I am not an expert in grammar though, but when I read a story I am really not concerned with grammar anyway, unless there are some major problems. The only problem I had with the story is that it is to short.It ends to abruptly and leaves the reader hanging. I think that if you were to continue the story and perhaps explain how the characters deal with this abortion problem in more depth you will have a much better story.
Your writing is very clear and distinct. Your story flows well from the death of the parents to the abuse from her father. All and all a very well written short story.
I hope you continue your writing and consider writing a longer work such as a novel and have it published.
I just read your story “Presence” It is a very interesting concept: life after death. The story is very well written as is the story line, and Usuna is a very real and believable character as he searches on his quest for the meaning of life. All and all an excellent read. I could not find any faults with the story.
Good luck with your excellent writing.
Jack
Hello
I read your short story The Price of magic. It was an interesting read, but I do not think it was particularly suspenseful or frightening, if that was your intention. The name is appropriate “The Price of Magic.” I began to think of other short stories with magic in them. One in particular”: The Monkeys Paw by W.W. Jacobs. This short story is particularly suspenseful and frightening. I think if you rewrote the story with magic in it that was scary and suspenseful you would have a winner. You write very well and I think you have the potential to right a truly interesting story.
Keep Writing
Jack
It was an interesting read of your troubles. Your prose is well written. You should incorporate your writing with dialogue and perhaps create a short story or novella.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jackneigut
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 10:10pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
