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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jack.allman
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7 Public Reviews Given
7 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of I am a murderer  
Review by Jack Allman
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You had me for awhile! I was reading it, thinking "Oh how weird. These images seem a bit off. The story seems a bit extreme." I was definitely pleasantly surprised that it ended as it did, but it didn't really make sense that you said you were a murderer. Maybe a destroyer or something, but I am not exactly sure why drinking a 12 pack makes you a murderer, unless you die or drive after and kill someone that way.
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Review by Jack Allman
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very heartfelt poem. Works fairly well, a very personal poem for sure, but the last stanza is extremely awkward in terms of meter or rhythm I think. I found myself having to re-read some of those lines just to try and get it right. Might look into that. Try reading all your stuff aloud and see how it sounds, its really easy to pick those things out doing that! I read all my stuff, its fun and useful.
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Review of 0-211  
Review by Jack Allman
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An interesting idea about a lot of the land being rural, comes off a bit pretentious I think though, like the creative minds are that much better or that much different than the norm. I think it could maybe use some cutting up because it shifts so much, stanzas could perhaps help, since it comes off as a fairly pretentious rant/ramble to me.

I do like the end a lot, though I am not sure what you are trying to portray with it.

"Follow the spin as best as you can;
I've got no time to talk right now, ma.
I'm fresh out of ideas
and I'm off to see the queen."

Interesting, even though I cannot exactly comprehend what it could mean. Worded in a very interesting idea. Sort of out of the voice of the rest though, almost, but it sort of juxtaposes in so its interesting.
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