First off, I really enjoyed this story. Your writing is very descriptive, and I could feel the emotion you were trying to convey.
A few things...
Try to finish a paragraph at the end of a thought. You only have one paragraph in this story. It's difficult to read a wall of text, and I lost my place once or twice, having to go back and read again.
Grammar -
The use of "water's" is possessive in this sentence.
"The seagulls seem to float effortlessly over the waters edge."
When using the contraction "it's" be sure to know if your saying "Its" or "It is." You have a couple of misuses.
Affect = effect.
There is sounds = There are sounds - showing plural.
Tips -
Try to avoid telling the reader how to feel. It's way better to SHOW them, and let the feelings come naturally!
For Example:
"It is a truly scary feeling being totally isolated, knowing that predators lurk in the shadows, but I crave this feeling and this is why I came."
"My blood turns to ice as I realize I am alone. I am no longer a predator, I am now the hunted."
Try not to use so many adverbs ending in -ly.
Slowly = Eased
Barely = Almost
ect...
Keep on writing, and working on your craft. Even Stephen King has an editor...
Wow, great story. I was definitely hooked from the beginning. The regret he must feel being responsible for Lucy's death. Not directly of course, but I wonder what their family and friends would say. People have to place the blame somewhere. I liked the visuals as well. I could almost feel the heat, and the despair of being trapped on a narrow road with fire on either side. Very sad. Well done.
Very nice poem and I particularly enjoyed the visuals. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Thank you for the good read, and keep up the great work.
I did think the reveal was a tad rough. In my opinion, if someone I didn't know asked me when my father died, I wouldn't give an exact date and time. I would be like, "Oh, back in November of this/last year."
I know that the flash fiction contest entries are difficult, I've submitted a few myself. I think you could expand this story since the contest is over, and see where it goes.
What if the pocket watch started back up!? What if his father could somehow communicate with him through it!? What can he learn or do with this connection to the afterlife?
I'd definitely read this again. Thank you for the good read, and keep it up!
I had a good laugh at this one, and congratulations on winning the contest. I particularly liked the dialogue. It made them seem like a coordinated group of petty thieves. "Tallyhoooe!" and keep on writing!
This is a nice little piece of flash fiction. I enjoyed the ending a lot. You made him seem like he was full of himself, and quite conceited. You almost felt like he deserved to die, because he showed no remorse for his grandfather's death. And in the end he was cut out of the will anyway is icing on the cake.
I would like extend my gratitude for this post. It is educational, and everyone that is new to this site should read it. Also, you could add that they can post their profile link on reddit, and possibly generate visits that way. There are several subreddits for writing and posting stories and whatnot. r/Nosleep and r/Nosleepworkshop are some of my favorites, as well as r/writing and r/writingprompts.
Great poem, you are very creative. Keep up the great work!
Notes -
On the 5th line: "How many particles of snow suround me? Should be surround.
On the 9th line: "In her he finds the vision his heart as sought. Was this meant to say ...has sought?
Also: Paridise/paradise & Intorable/intolerable?
Wow Rocco Marinelli, that's a powerful, thought provoking poem. It feels like the writer was actually dealing with PTSD from tours in the Middle East. I checked your profile and I can't tell if you were or not. Very believable to say the least. I hope you keep up the great work and keep getting published in the future.
There are a few things in my portfolio I would love to have you read and review if you have the time. I'll check in on yours from time to time. Thanks!
Hello and congratulations on writing such a thought provoking and wonderful poem. You can almost feel the connection, and the mental pictures provided, warm the heart. Keep up the great work, you're definitely on the right track, and I'm sure you'll have a lot more good poems.
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