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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/inferno368
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8 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Jaric Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This was an interesting and humorous read. I liked the word play that you were playing around with, beet - beat, vegetation - vegetate, super - soup, and etcetera. I tried to look up the french meaning of the word "sou", but I couldn't get the answer from google translate, so I gave up... figured it wasn't That important.

So my first point is that he must have really spent some quality time studying those vegetables. In the fifth paragraph, he really explains some interesting dishes, dishes that I'm sure most wives would be thrilled, if their husbands knew the slightest inkling about such recipes. My aunt puts leaves in her soup too, although I don't know what they're called.

I got a little confused at the end. So, he's sitting in the garden, trying to figure out how to make a fire, when a random lady, wearing nothing but leaves, enters the vicinity. This is when I thought "maybe he fell asleep and is dreaming of pinching himself", "is this lady Eve?", or "is he reading a playboy article that includes vegetables?" I suppose, in the beginning, Eve convinced Adam to sin by eating the apple. If the lady in your story was Eve, she would be, this time, convincing "you?" to commit adultery, sinning again. Does this mean that his lesson, to learn to distinguish a good vegetable from a bad one, would have been learned later on, when he realized that he was the bad vegetable after cheating on his wife? Or perhaps his wife was a cosplayer of Eve?

Either way, despite my over-thinking and confusion, I thought your story was a refreshing read, and I enjoyed it. Great job!
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Review by Jaric Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like how you explain that God is there to HELP us! Sometimes when I'm talking to unbelievers about Christianity, the first thing they bring up is about all these world issues, and how they believe that if there is a God, that he should just take care of our problems without the person having to have any type of relationship with him. As you and I know, Earth is essentially a test for us, to gain eternal life in heaven. Our first goal should simply be to create that relationship with God and let him know that we want to know him, and we do need his help, and we can find this help through Bible passages, prayer, and other activities that help us become closer with him. I like how you give the specific location of the passage, but also leave a short summary of what the verse is about. This way, if any sceptical readers do with to check up on your sources, it's there.

This poem had a larger variety of punctuation than the last one that I read. I like that. There are many critics that expect a writer to have perfect grammar and punctuation, but in my opinion, how can one expect to master there own version of a craft, without being able to experiment and see what works the best for each person? Also, in this poem, you included a few words that I liked, such as: amiss, glean, endowed, and thwart. Hopefully some of your readers will not only find their way to God, but will have the opportunity to broaden their vocabulary as well!
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Review by Jaric Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is another great poem. I like that your messages are so short and sweet, yet they pack a powerful punch. Back when I used to teach youth group, I often assembled lessons about the tongue. A lot of young people are ignorant of the damage that can be caused just by not watching what they say, and likewise, many have yet to discover what types of healing the tongue can induce. You see so much bullying today. I know it's something that has always been around, but now it's even seen online, extending our tongue at the tip of our fingers. If there were only more people that tried to spread good messages like this poem that you've written, instead of putting people down with cruel words, or by making them believe that something is wrong with them, then this world would be a much more peaceful place.

I just wanted to point out a thought I had about punctuation, as I was reading this. I noticed for the most part, your lines were very point based, ending in periods. Then you had that one line that ended in a comma. This enables the readers to take in quick lessons, and with your choices of words, we really take in a lot with each line, but I just want to perhaps suggest to experiment with punctuation a little, making the poetry seem less direct, and flow off the tongue more. That's just my opinion though.

"Tearing at the fragile heart.
Until pain and suffering has been diffused."

Here, I would remove the period after heart, and replace it with a comma. Has could be changed to have, as well.

I really like your work. I like reading your different biblical lessons, and I like how you are able to teach people about the Bible, without ramming hell down their throats. You are allowing people to see what it's like to be a Christian, without actually saying, "Hey come over to my side." Once again, I really appreciate that you are here to send these messages. I look forward to reading more of your work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Our Inner Voice  Open in new Window.
Review by Jaric Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really liked this poem. We all have ways that we can reach out and help deliver the message that reading the Bible and trusting in God can help our overall well being. You used your ability to write poetry for just that. I liked the way you formatted this. In combination with your rhyme choices, I found it very discrete, yet powerful. If we all just strived to be like Jesus, we'd develop the wisdom of Solomon.

The only problem I had with this was the light purple font, at the start. I found that I really had to focus on the text to make it out, but that's probably just me. It's no reason to subtract from the star rating. Great job. I hope you write more poems with the goal of spreading the message!
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Review of All the Pain  Open in new Window.
Review by Jaric Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great poem. It's nice to see people reaching out to help those who are feeling down. I have a friend myself who has this problem, and I know at some point they will go online, trying to find an answer for themselves. Poems like this one may be exactly what they need. I hope you put in some good tags, like depression, inspiration, stuff like that, so when a person searches the site, it will increase the odds of them finding your poem.

I only have one suggestion to make it better and it is a very simple one. In the description of your item, you misspelled "Commit". In comparison to your poem, it's a very minor problem, but when people are searching for something to read, they will notice that error, and could deter from the read, just because of that. I just thought I'd point it out, anyway. Great job with writing this. It's filled with emotion, and I can tell that you want to deliver that message and help people. Keep on writing. You are an inspiration.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Genesis One  Open in new Window.
Review by Jaric Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I came across this story while looking through The Final Frontier contest page.

I liked your wording. There were a variety of words, including cacophonous, which I had to look up, but it shows that you definitely have a good vocabulary. I was able to visualize every gory detail. It was rather vivid, yet I still like the description.

I found it interesting how you focused your story into a few thoughts that Wasserman had, as wild as they were. I imagined that I'd read about some space battle or something, rather than a fugitive or a prisoner who was travelling to Mars.

I'm curious. If he killed all the others when he got there and got settled in, did he plan to live the rest of his life alone, or were others on their way?
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