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Review by Blanknow Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Whoa! This had a really great twist to it. The jars of strawberry prserves was a great cover-up.

I liked the interesting spin on a classic fairytail... and the morbid ending.

Technical stuff:

“Own no! Alice said, “vampires like blood don’t they Grandma?”

"Own no!" should be "Oh no!"
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“Did she kill him Grandma?”

Should be: "Did she kill him, Grandma?"

There needs to be commas before/after names in quotation marks when the quotation marks are signifying dialogue. This happens many times through out the story.
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“As her children got older, she would tell them that their old, feeble, Grandmother lived up on the mountain..."

"Grandmother" doesn't need to be capitalized since it is talking about a possesive noun. (i.e. "it was his grandma" v.s. "go ask Grandma")



Suggestions:

Some of the first few paragraphs are scattered ideas and disrupt the flow.

About 80% of the time when Alice speaks she says something and includes Grandma's name -- "What happened next, Grandma?"
Then the next time could be "Did she kill him, Grandma?"
In every line it is unnessesary for Alice to say Grandma's name since both the reader and Grandma know that Alice is talking to her.

Suspence could be built better in the end. It seemed a little short.
(These are only suggestions)


Conslusion:

There are few gramatical errors and the story was really great.
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