Okay Matt i have finished reading the four chapters. And I have two gripes.
One being the sequence of the chapters. The way it goes from 1243 in sequence was a bit confusing, perhaps a less intelligent mind would get lost and skip a chapter.
But seeing that I am of a low intelligent, and I managed to figure it out, that should not be a problem.
My second gripe is merely this. I want to read more of this, so please add :).
Ok first off if you were expecting a review that touched upon the technical side of things, I am the wrong guy for the job.
As my writing remains technically askew. But that being said, I only found like three things that could be considered typos. But then I realised (lol) That you are from another part of the map, and it may just be me lost in translation. So in order to not sound like a fool I will not comment on that.
One thing the, I notice that you use phrases like "He said, and I proclaimed, and then he did this" sometime.
But the constant "Showing" and not "telling" far outweighs that minor distraction.
Things that worked!
Wow, well almost everything worked. Your descriptions were spot on.
I really enjoyed how you described the restaurant that Brain mistakenly brings Nathen too. I enjoy how you set up each scene and brought it alive.
Chapter four is by far my favorite chapter.It was a tour de force of good writing.
First of all you transitioned Nathen from magic newbie, to perhaps a phenom, smoothly.
I found the magic practice, to be both enchanting and excellent.
And I know that was not easy to do.. Bravo for that!
I truly mean this, please consider re-writing this as a teleplay.
As it would read phenomenally as a script. The dialogue is as smooth as butter, and
hard hitting, all at the same time.
I believe that this could very well be published, or filmed.
With very few adjustments..
Please email me when you add chapters..
Wow great plot, original story. Flawless writing, and great detail.
This is a very good piece.
I like your narrative style, as your characters and scenes are well described.
The ending was amazing, but so was the middle and begging..
Hello this review part of "The supernatural group's " review raid.
Your short story Digging has alot of things going for it and also a few things that may require attention. But thats okay because we are all here to learn too become better writers.
First the positives.
This story is immeaditly easy to become lost in.
From the very first line you mythodocialy "Show" and not "Tell"
Your story, You show how the husband feels as his wife's truew nature raises to the surfice.
Both characters are belivable and truely authintic sounding, and the settings were described nicely.
The plot was good and the ending left the reader wanting more. so great job.
Things that I noticed
"is I can't same I really blame them"
I beilive you meant I cant say that I really blame them.
Im not good with spelling so I didnt really catch anymore.
"Somewhere along the way, I bought a gun"
Now this part killed me though.You paint great details about everything from doing the dishes to indepth convo with the inlaws. But at the most importent part you just sorta say "oh yeah I bought a gun"....
:)
Please with cherry on top change it. How did he feel when he bought it
? was he nervous, where did he buy it?..
show us :).
Hey this review is given in part of the supernatural group's review raid
Hey this is good.but there are some mistakes.
The first sentence Is missing the letter "t". For the word "the".
Also it may be helpful to begin each sentence with capitalization.
Ill should be I'll. Good bye does not need the hyphen. Etc,.
But that's ok because alot of my stories have grammar problems also.
So do not let it discourage you. I enjoyed this. But' it should be re drafted.. :) write on..
This review is in part of the supernatural review raid.
Thank you for sharing this poem. I commend you on your bravery. And wish a warm hearted apology for what happened to your friend.
This piece keeps her alive. Thank you for such a heart felt poem.
I enjoyed the rhymes as they were great and well structured.
You came across as sincere and hurt. Truly emotional.
Hey your receiving this review in part of "The supernatural group review raid"
First off I want to commend you on your attempt at describing the event. And I wish to encourage you to keep on writing.
You have a flair for emotional writing, but watch out when explaining a situation. Be sure to show us whats taking place, instead of just telling
whats happening. Work on that, but other then that you have a good piece, which evokes emotion..'
Just be sure to clean it up a bit..
"Maybe he would not have walked off if she has not have brought up the way he punished his children of before this marriage. She dare say the words as he not mistakingly stops the car,gets out, and walks away down the drive-way she has seen for over five months now. Her mother walk;taking the back way around,"
Also I noticed that there were some grammatical issues in this short story. Just run it through a spelling/Grammar check.
hey This was a very well written peice of poetry..
The ryhmes were great and had a awesome structure.
The visualies were clear and consice.. great Job ..
Wow I hardly rate poetry, but this one caught my eye.
I really enjoyed the imagery that this poem provides. It was almost as if
I were along for the ride. I felt nearly every bump in the ground along the way.
There was no consistent rhyme pattern, yet it did not throw off this piece.
The writing was very elegant and mood setting. I thoroughly enjoyed it..
Write on,
Sincerely Luis Padilla
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Hello Anti: Back Again?
I really enjoyed your twist on the story of Brently's Hour.
I really enjoyed how you developed Brently. Your began describing him with great ease.
By the time he is in the park, I felt genuinely connected to him.
I enjoyed how you described his drunken state. You did a really neat Job conveying who it feels to be
intoxicated.
"At first, Brently felt only a burning, bitter taste clinging to his throat, but somehow he wanted, no, needed more. He took another gulp, a much larger one, before finally downing the rest of the bottle. The huge impact of so much alcohol eventually took its toll five minutes later, almost making him fall of the swing. Whenever he stood up, his dead-weight legs refused to lift."
The ending was twisted and morose, but awesomely, awesome.
I thourgly enjoyed it.
Again comedy played well. I like how Brently couldn't understand why his "wife" was running away from him.
All in all this is a great story with a vain of humor, and dread woven together,masterfully.
Xavier Wow I am guessing you wrote this quickly. And Still it's awesome.
When I read a story from Xavier Kazi. I expect two things, Comedy and descriptive text.
This piece goes above and beyond. The part when you introduce Vlad, and he then sprouts of his
genealogy is golden. "The cousin of Dracula step cousin" or something like that, would normally be corny.
But not coming from you,lts great..I think you may want to change this part
"Why is the window open?"
"Uh... I was cold."
"Its storming.""
I think you meant
"It's Hot".
Good job i thoroughly enjoy your passion that oozes out your writing.. Go on with your bad self.
Hello this was a awesome story.
Using only dialect, you managed to make your character very real.
I felt bad for him. Just when I thought that he was having a good day, a curve ball get's thrown.
Very good.
The only negative is that it is a bit short. I believe you still have a couple hundred words to play with.
why not open with a scene of him being turned down. It would make the emotinal aspect of this story
shine brighter..
Thank you for the good read. Good luck in the contest.
Sincerly,
Luis Padilla
Hey scorch this is a very entertaining short story aptly entitled "Debriefing"
I enjoyed how the monster remained hidden and barely described , yet totally real.
something is missing here/ maybe a typo.
"His shoulder was wt and there a gurgling to his right. He looked and screamed when he saw the now headless body of Bucket fall "
whats wt? wet?
I enjoyed the ending very well. Typical of the army. quick to label some one nuts, even after they served bravely.
the setting was well described and the plot flowed beautifully...
good story
Hello "Too Big For Halloween" Was a very good short story. I love how you wrote this based on a premise that we all understand. I hated when people told me that
I was to big to trick or treat. I wanted candy, who are they to tell me no.
Awesome premise.
Now this story is very cool,I mean it's scary, but in a different way, which most of my horror is like.
The main characters are well defined and realistic. I felt bad for Becky, but at the end envied her, even though she was in a padded cell.
I hated Jill, she seemed like the typical 7th grade snob lol. And Thoroughly enjoyed Mrs.Pritchet.
When she first introduced,she was portrayed as the villein but she is more of a hero here.
As Jill is the real villein...
Thank you so much for a good read..
Things to work on. Maybe work on the format just a bit.. But I copy n paste and my formats get all screwed up to
Wow what can I say. If some one asked me what would happen if Kurt Vonnegut and Clive barker had a child what would bed his name.
The answer undoubtedly would be Xavier kazi.
Your character is well described, and the settings are real to the touch.. And that's hard to do, considering the amount of scenes this story encompasses.
I became immediately intrigued because of the first two sentences.. Great pun.
Sure this story is a little jumbled, but thats ok. f*** the norm. Why train a story when it can grow. , i like to let my stories grow. If you know what I mean.
In other words this story never had a expected plot, it just grew from the first word. This is rather refreshing, your story. needs to be finished..if your stuck ill help you.
but i have a feeling that you dont need it.
I bring up Vonnegut because you run in his vain. His descriptiveness is often quite eccentric, and hilarious. . And your great at that...
Come on finish this. Jack is a great main character. he will do wonders with a gal, or maybe he likes to drink...Add something to him.
something that makes one relate to him... you do that and you got yourself an "It"(not the book, but the word) character.
oh yea you got it man...well worth my time...
hey you should join The supernatural group...I am a member, there is some talent in that group..if you need help finding us let me know.
Hey i must say that this could easily be a 5.0 if not for two mistakes that I will point out..
Positives
This plot is almost as absurd as Jimme Mae Huff, It is hilarious yet somber.
Your anonymous character was well defined and likable. He enjoyed the conversation's
With the old lady. So he never told her the truth. I enjoyed that about him/her.
This story is so far fetched yet plausible, so outrages yet believable. And I believe that is what you were going for, Good job!.
Things to work on.
I dont know if it was on purpose. but you disclosed the fact that the main character was to remain anonymous twice.
"I must remain anonymous if I am to retire in 2012 with an unblemished record, however, the burden on my heart is too great to delay the news for his family"
"To continue in the spirit of Jimmy’s “game”, I shall not disclose the exact location of his final years, nor my identity.".
It's not that big of a deal but I had to point it out, not to be a scrooge but because this is a great piece and that one thing
may throw some one off..
All in all I loved it. It was awesome. You have a great imagination.
Sincerely Luis Padilla
*my rating system
1.0 try again
1.5. poor
2.0 getting there
2.5 okay
3.0 good
3.5 better than average
4.0 very good
4.5 try to get it published
5.0 hell I believe it will be published
Hello my name is Luis Padilla I read your short story "If I say yes, what happens then?"
This is my review.
I was immediately sucked into this story by the beauty of your writing.
It was technically flawless. The sentences flowed as beautifully as the ocean.
The story was very good. even though it spanned quite a few years the characters remained well developed.
Positives
Good solid character development. I could truly understand the relationship between Geri and Jenny.
you did a good job in keeping the story flowing well.
I want to complement you on your grammar. As a writter who struggles with grammer I chould learn a lot from you.
so I will be reading your stories more often. lol hope you don't mind.
Things to work on.
The only part of the story that threw me off was the ending. I wanted to know what happened lol.
My rating system
1.0 poor
1.5 try again
2.0 getting there
2.5 okay
3.0good
3.5 better than average
4.0 very good
4.5 try to get it published
5.0 Hell I think it should be published.
Hello I read your poem "it's ok to cry" and this is my review.
This is a great poem with a great rhyme scheme.
I enjoyed the emotions involved. I like how the prom kind of follows a story.
From not crying to crying, and the release that you felt when you did.
You also did a good job by finding a happy medium, that its ok to cry just don't
Waste your life away with it. Good job
Hello I read your piece entitled "Melancholy" this is my review
Here is a great example of Melancholy .But even more then that it is great writing. i really enjoyed the piece
Positives
One not need to look further than the very first line to see that you write good
"Some people live.
Other people fade through life like paper that blows on a city wind- invisible to those who have seen thousands like you before. They think they’re special. "
This line serves the foundation of this piece well, very good.
I also liked how you question what makes a person real in this piece. Good job
Things to work on.
I would love to see this piece rewritten in poem format.
Hello i read your short piece "Tornado in Western New York" This is my review
I love tornadoes not because they destroy but because they are utterly amazing.
I enjoyed how you gave good visuals when you rescued that cat. The story was well written
Positives
Good descriptive writing. You did a good job in capturing the tornado with out describing it.
The piece was easy to follow and well structured..
Things to work on.
Starting paragraphs with words like "Well " kind of threw off your style..
all in all this a solid piece and I enjoyed it.
Sincerely,
Luis Padilla
Rating table
1.0 try again
1.5 poor
2.0 getting there
2.5 ok
3.0 good.
3.5 better than average
4.0 great
4.5 try to get it published
5.0 hell it should be published
This was an awesome story one that I could relate to as my grandfather suffers from schizophrenia.
You did an awesome job in characterizing this disease For Example.
'Think about it, what if the pills don’t correct any imbalance? What if they are nothing but an addictive substance? That way they can control us by controlling the supply. I’m not going to be a patsy again; I’m going cold turkey. Even now, the voices are coming back. As soon as I can hear them clearly they will tell me what do. The voices are my spirit guides, they keep me in touch with God. No shrink is going to stop this now; I’m going all the way.”
That is spot on, in fact my grandfather used to refer to his voices as 'spiritual guides" when he was off his medicine.
Positives
This story was engaging, it was well written and rooted on fact.
You have a great story telling ability and I really enjoyed the structure of your writing.
Also brillent word play
"jarred the two occupants like they were on a funhouse ride. This particular ride, however, was no fun at all.'
I enjoyed this..
your very descriptive with your characters making them real.
Things to work on...
A little structure and grammar problems. Nothing that takes away from the story.
Try to build your scenes just a little better..
all in all great piece I thoroughly enjoyed it... Keep witting..
Also feel free to check out my bio I would love some feedback from you...
This piece was very funny.
A love poem involving a Hamster and a butt hole.. But delivered with the witticism of punk rock.
It very much read like a punk rock song..
The flow was great, and very engaging i really enjoyed this..
Hey enjoyed this piece. I really enjoyed your style of story telling..
but i also believe that this piece needed just a little something more.
Positives
This story was very engaging, You effortlessly sucked me in(which is the key to writing)
Also it was impossible not to feel almost claustrophobic. If that was what you were going for you really nailed it on the head.
Negatives (or just helpful critique)
I would have loved if the story had a more climatic element, maybe a voice calling his name.or something that leads to more horror. I understood what was scary about the story, but it would have been nice for maybe an extra element of surprise..
All in all it was a good read, and i mean that. I think your style of story telling is very engaging; and I look forward to reading more...
Also I wrote a short story you might "dig" called "Pleading carrot"
as your style is very similar to mine I would love to hear your opinion and critique...
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