This is awesome stuff! It flows smoothly, it is believable, and I can feel the tension and the attraction between the two characters-I can sure enough see and feel this happening. You and this story are good!
You are missing some punctuation (example-I think 'stores 158 days' should be 'store's 158 days'?) and a bunch of too-long sentences that either need commas or broken up (example-'Jaden had her arms around his neck she pushed up on her tippy toes her determination coming out she pulled him closer to her and planted a fiery kiss on his lips.' could be 'Jaden had her arms around his neck. She pushed up on her tippy toes, her determination coming out. She pulled him closer to her and planted a fiery kiss on his lips.'). These are all things that you would not have caught and fixed in your next edit.
I enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
Holy cow Busybutterfly this is good! I found it to be interesting and informative, and you come across as someone who has become an expert on Mary Shelley.
It was hard reading, though, with no spaces between sentences and everything in one whole big paragraph. I think that Wollstonecraft should be capitalized (7th sentence if I am counting right), and the very next sentence could use a coma between 'time' and 'she'?
I very muck like this story, told by a set of poems. How interesting. It reminds me of some of the old cowboy poetry that I used to read back when I was young.
I enjoyed reading this. I am not a poet, and only know enough about it to judge it according to if it makes me feel. And this one sure enough does.
Thank you for sharing, and for helping all of us beginners by your willingness to do so.
Holy cow sir I have been there. How well you describe the way that life, responsibilities, kids, and bosses can (and will if you let them) wear you out and break you down. I like how you mention that it affects your partner as well, and then tell about the decent into depression. The kitten illustration is very good.
The to be continued statement needs to happen. The readers need to know what the answer is to the situation you have described so well. What do you do to get back out of the darkness. How do you insert enough PM into your life to keep from getting there in the first place?
You have some run on sentences, you are missing a comma or two, and I think the first paragraph could be broken up into at least two paragraphs; nothing that another good edit would not fix. You are a good writer. Keep on writing!
This one makes me feel--memories of loss and letting go; mostly because we have no other choice.
This is an awesome piece. Not sure if the 'o' on 'other' should or should not be capitalized? Who cares, I am too lost in what the piece is about to give it any thought.
I think that is an awesome poem with deep meaning about a life truth of some kind and the meaning is just on the tip of my mind but I just can't figure it out. I think it has to do with how time and events that we can't control pass us by and all we can do is watch?
I have no doubt that this one is for folks with just a few more IQ points than I was blessed with. But when you read it out loud in poem form it sounds awesome!!!! I wish I was smart enough to understand it more fully.
This is an awesome poem. The only way I know how to judge a poem is by whether or not it makes me feel and this one sure enough does. Most of us have been here, maybe on both sides. The conflicting emotions, and the "Neither won over." parts--you describe it all so well. And the admission that even though it hurts you want feel it again.
This has to be one of the most perfect pieces of this type that I have ever read. Passion is one of the nectars of life and you have captured it right here. The gift that you obviously have is a beautiful thing and you simply must keep using it.
You have a quite a story going on here. Your imagination is powerful and you have obviously spent some time thinking this story line through, with great detail. I read through all nine (?) of your chapters. It is interesting for sure. This is either a new super hero or one I don't recognize.
I found a whole bunch of spelling errors and misused words, nothing a that a good edit or two would not fix. Also it kept switching tenses.
Keep writing! I very much enjoyed your creativity. Thank you for sharing.
You wrote an interesting piece here about a fun author; and after reading it I believe that you know what you are talking about. I especially like fact #3: the discussion about whether he really did like kids.
I don't know where you got the list of all of the questions about some of his books but they are fantastic.
I am sure not an English teacher but I think that the second sentence of the first paragraph is not a complete sentence? You wrote 'Some...' which is a noun. You went on to describe 'some', but you never said what action 'some' did.
Also what about starting a new paragraph when you start writing about Dr. Seuss ('But without a doubt...')?
I learned a fair bit about Dr. Seuss, thank you for sharing this.
I love it! We have all worked with people like Elaine, and can relate. The memories that they create are fun to recant and laugh about though.
I found this story to flow smoothly, be easy to follow, and very much an enjoyable read. I did not find any 'english teacher' mistakes, either. Great job, and thank you for sharing.
I loved this story! To me it is a very believable description of something that could well have happened and probably did in some version several times in that horrible experience. The story was more than interesting.
I have never served and am not an expert but your details seemed to me to be right on. The story is mostly recollections and I think that that many in that short of a story is hard to pull off without confusing the reader; but I think you did it, I had no trouble following along.
I thought that the ending was awesome, and the horse racing analogies worked well.
I think there were a few sentences that had words left out-the first one for example: 'before (who or what was) finally relieved'. And 'Some fear if passing out now...' doesn't sound right? Maybe 'if' should be 'that'? This is to me minor stuff though that could be fixed with one more good edit.
This is good stuff. I want to read more from you, and I desperately wish I could write this good. Please keep writing!
Thank you for sharing.
I love this poem. As the days continue to pass and we get further and further from this horrible and heroic event we must not forget everything it teaches us-including how we as humans can sometimes shine our brightest during the worst of times.
I have no idea about how to review a poem except to say that I believe that the purpose of a poem is to convey a feeling using few words and some sort of pattern; and this one sure enough does.
I have never seen anyone do an essay quite like that-I had to follow your link and loved the presentation. Well done.
The idea that experiences and the memories they bring can be old friends just like people and objects was a new way also. I absolutely agree.
Your ideas were well thought out and entertaining and made me think and feel and relate and remember my own. Thank you for sharing this piece, I enjoyed reading it (twice so far).
What an interesting story! I read it to my three boys and we had quite a conversation about 'Superjamie' and what his muscles looked like and if he was going to grow up to be a villain or a good guy and and and. It held their attention quite well. The detailed descriptions let us see exactly what you wanted us to see, and the pilot/radio tower conversations got us right into the story. Maybe there was a sentence or two that was too long but they did not get in the way of the story. Nice job, and thank you for sharing it.
I have no knowledge or skills about how to review a poem, nor would I atttempt to critique someone of your talent. What I do almost need to say is that this piece moved me, made me quiet-lost in similar memories. Isn't that the description of a perfect poem? Thank you for sharing it on here.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.17 seconds at 10:12am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "