JUST THE OPINIONS OF A STUDENT WITH NO EXPERTISE AT ALL IN WRITING OR ANYTHING, SO JUST TAKE FROM THIS WHAT YOU WANT.
Title: The title is alright, but a little standard for this type of love poem. I would try to find something more vague and abstract that concerns the subject, maybe something like "Her" or "My Eyes Open" - something more intriguing than a title that just spells out that it will be a love poem.
What I Liked: The writing is all very good in it, and you do a good job at trying to tell a small story through a poem. I have more comments on what I would add to it, but that isn't to say my lack of anything good is criticism, it is just that what you have is good enough where I think there is potential to turn it really really good.
What I Didn't Like: The rhymes you use generally worked for me, but I still think the poem could have also worked without them. I will admit there was no moment in which they felt forced, but there was also no moment where I nodded my head and thought, "I absolutely can see why this had to be rhyming", so I think you could either remove them completely and write without limits, or try to tweak them so that it produces something very visceral and something where the rhymes are essential to the poem. Besides that, there aren't a lot of issues though - you are a very good writer and you managed to avoid writing too "art-sy" or too "academic", instead writing with a voice that sounds more natural and emotional to me. Finally, I was left with a slight feeling of "so what?" Especially with a love poem - with so many out there - it is hard to find one that is memorable or leaves you with anything after you finish it. While this was quite good, I think it needs a special something added to it so that it stands out among the rest. Good writing alone is not enough to do that, so I would either try to add in some unique details or imagery, or find a complicated theme to weave into the poem somehow.
What It Made Me Think Of/Inspiration For Your Stuff: For some reason, it reminded me of that annoying and awful movie "Paper Town". It isn't a good movie, but it has an interesting female character in it (the main one) who I think you can learn a lot from about creating a female character who is flawed and imperfect while being very desirable and addictive. You paint the female here a little too angelic, when the poem should be painting a picture of love for a woman because of her imperfections, not because she is a perfect angel.
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Also, I don't want any gift points, but you can pay me in acorns.
JUST THE OPINIONS OF A STUDENT WITH NO EXPERTISE AT ALL IN WRITING OR ANYTHING, SO JUST TAKE FROM THIS WHAT YOU WANT.
Title: I like the title a lot. It is cool to see a title that doesn't spell out what the poem is about or relate too directly to what happens in the poem. Keep the title.
What I Liked: A lot of it, actually. I think the writing was terrific. What made me most happy was that the poem was written casually, with no old-sounding words or flower-y sentences, and it definitely made the poem flow better and more emotive. I usually am not a fan of the weird structure poems where certain lines will be out of structure with the other ones, but I really liked it here and felt it was completely appropriate because I think you are going for a mood piece (there was only one case I didn't like it, but that's below). For making a poem about a song, I think you do a really good job at capturing the essence of a soul song, and even though the poem is not a completely linear thing, that makes it all work for me because you capture the same kind of messy emotion that songs like that have. It might not all make sense to me, but it is evocative and that makes it fine. Also, the "pling!"'s are great stylistic choices that I would keep as they are. You mention below how you were inspired to write this by a song and, to me, I am so happy you added that because I think the ability to be inspired by something like that and translate it into this is amazing and one of the cooler things I have seen here so far. There are many poems on here that are contest entries or people write as jokes, but this is one of the first poems I found to review that I would say is trying something a little more serious and artistic, like on a slightly higher level, and I really like that.
What I Didn't Like: I would completely cut out "you are faceless/you are nameless". For the most part, I like the stylistic choices you use since you never over-play them, but those lines are the only time in the poem that I felt it went from evocative to just a little too art-y. I absolutely love the first two lines, so I would keep them and then jump right to "Strumming - ", then continue on with the rest of the poem as the rest is great.
What It Made Me Think Of/Inspiration For Your Stuff: This scene in "Kill Bill 2" where someone is sitting by a campfire telling a story, and every once in a while he randomly strums his guitar as he tells the story to highlight a moment of suspense or something. That feels like what you are doing, the same kind of mood. I am sure you can find the scene online.
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Also, I don't want any gift points, but you can pay me in acorns.
JUST THE OPINIONS OF A STUDENT WITH NO EXPERTISE AT ALL IN WRITING OR ANYTHING, SO JUST TAKE FROM THIS WHAT YOU WANT.
Title: The title is fine, I have no problems with it at all.
What I Liked: The general idea for the poem, and the way the first and last stanzas repeat each other with the slight addition at the end of the second. Obviously this is a simple and sweet poem and there is not too much to discuss with it, but that bit works very well for what it is trying to do and it is really catchy, which is why...
What I Didn't Like: I think that the poem would even work best as just an incredibly short poem with just the last stanza, or, if you wanted it to be multiple stanzas, then changing the second one. That one just didn't work for me and felt like it was added on to make it three stanzas. I think the best way to go with this poem is to have it be a a very short one stanza poem with the last one, or to make the second one completely different instead of what it is now, as it feels a little bit like filler material.
What It Made Me Think Of/Inspiration For Your Stuff: It made me think of something a new parent would come up with on the spot to comfort a young baby or try to put them to sleep, like a nursery rhyme.
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Also, I don't want any gift points, but you can pay me in acorns.
JUST THE OPINIONS OF A STUDENT WITH NO EXPERTISE AT ALL IN WRITING OR ANYTHING, SO JUST TAKE FROM THIS WHAT YOU WANT.
Title: It drives me crazy that it isn't capitalized or whatever, with the little c. But, I do like how it is simple and you don't get what it means until the end.
What I Liked: The end really was a funny surprise, and made a melodramatic poem into something funnier and more cute. However, there isn't a whole lot to it beyond that, so I would just call it a cute little poem that does what it wants to, but nothing beyond that. It is hard to review poems like this, since there is not a lot of big ambition to them, but for a quick delight that makes you smile, it actually does do that pretty well.
What I Didn't Like: Not much. Like I said above, it is hard to find fault with these types of poems, and it does exactly what it wants to do. The only thing I would say is what does "understated job" mean?
What It Made Me Think Of/Inspiration For Your Stuff: Sorry, I am coming up blank here. I guess it felt like a sit-com joke, but a little more elegantly told.
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Also, I don't want any gift points, but you can pay me in acorns.
JUST THE OPINIONS OF A STUDENT WITH NO EXPERTISE AT ALL IN WRITING OR ANYTHING, SO JUST TAKE FROM THIS WHAT YOU WANT.
Title: An insanely unoriginal title that could be soooo much cooler with a unique and more abstract idea.
What I Liked: Stuff about faith are always cool for me, even though I am not religious. I just think it is an interesting thing to write about, and something that is interesting to read about. I think you are clearly a good writer in that you can use words - and some of them are bigger ones. Having that vocabulary is a plus.
What I Didn't Like: I think it could be fixed with edits, but there really wasn't any flow at all. It just seemed really chunky, and I had to read it like ten times because my brain didn't process any of it. I don't think it was me, either, I think it was because none of it read like a story or like complete sentences, and instead like small fragments. I would fix this and make it play out more like a linear story - it can still be lyrical and pretty and flow as sentences. Also, I get that some of the tone you use is just a part of religious writing, but it does come off very archaic and stodgy in places.
What It Made Me Think Of/Inspiration For Your Stuff: Kanye West's song "Ultra Light Beam". Now that is a cool and unique religious lyric (which is sort of like poetry), and an AWESOME title for something. Find a title like that! You should listen to the song too, since it is a masterpiece.
JUST THE OPINIONS OF A STUDENT WITH NO EXPERTISE AT ALL IN WRITING OR ANYTHING, SO JUST TAKE FROM THIS WHAT YOU WANT.
Title: It is a fine title, but a little obvious for the subject in the poem. Maybe try something like "Black Space" or "Empty Places", or something that is a little more memorable than something that explains what the poem is about. I like unique titles.
What I Liked: The concept. I think that this poems is better than just some stupid poem talking about how much writer's block sucks, because there are probably a million poems like that. I think your poem hints at there being something in a blank space that is more than just writer's block, but I think you can get even into that kind of thing more to make your poem stand out. The first line and last line I liked a lot because they were simple and effective.
What I Didn't Like: For a poem about writer's block and trying to break free creatively, it is weird to make a poem that is so strict with its structure and rhyme pattern. I think that a more free type of poem would be better, since the subject of the poem is trying to use creativity to break free from a writer's block, and such a strict formula seems like the opposite of that. Also, why did he have to be writing with a feather or quill? I don't think it being set in old times makes any difference to the story, so "pen" or "keyboard" would be better. Making it old doesn't really add anything to it.
What It Made Me Think Of/Inspiration For Your Stuff: This scene from "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer" where an art teacher was lecturing about the empty blank space around objects, and how there is something, not in an object itself, but in the blank space around it. Maybe use that to think of some cool new lines.
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