I see now why you knew the prompts! This was great! I loved the "golden claw" and how it flew to the Golden Dragon's arm. So much action packed into those few words. It's not as easy as it seems.
Let me start off by saying that I am not a professional and I am only offering my opinion as a reader about this piece.
You have created an amazing sense of passion and several of your descriptions are wonderful.
Here are a few nit-picky things. The first sentence has some beautiful imagery, but the wording is a little awkward. I'm not sure the particles would be floating on the light. I think they would be floating in the light on the air. I'm also not sure that the word you are looking for is invisible, maybe imperceptible?
Again, the sentence about the leaves has good imagery, but maybe "in the scattered leaves dropped by the autumn gripped trees"?
I can also see what you are trying to describe when you are talking about her hair catching fire, but the first time I read it, my first thought was that he had burned her alive.
I would also think about the letter she wrote. Maybe she is truly that melodramatic, but it seemed just a bit over the top to me and I'm not sure why she is saying she tried to stick it out when she was sleeping with another man. That conflict never really seems to be addressed after it is mentioned.
It wasn't really clear to me how he ended up having the opportunity to kill her ( since she was immune to his charms) and the investigation seemed a little weak. Maybe, he could convince her to come back with him from the airport and everyone just thinks she is in Paris.
One last point, as obsessed as he was about keeping her, it seems a little illogical that he would dump her in the river. Just my opinion, but I would think about some creepy way of keeping her close- maybe even incorporating her into his art?
Over all, you seem to have a lot of talent and this piece has a lot of potential. I hope you develop it and end up entering it in the contest! Good Luck!
I love the concept. I actually giggled at the ending. The idea definitely has promise. The hard part is using wording that would be more indicative of shoes. For example, shoes don't have "relatives", and your audience may be offended that they would so easily believe that you believe that they would and that you would be confused about why they didn't have any show up for the funeral. However, they could have a relationship with other shoes that they would have been separated from at the factory ( hey, you could maybe add something about how the shoes in your closet would miss them.) Maybe, try hinting to something about the horrors of their time at the factory, or perhaps, even at the store or how they thought they saw their lost friends and siblings (siblings could be clones -- parents and grandparents wouldn't be necessary since they were created; like Frankenstein) in every similar pair of shoes you passed. (Obviously, not in those words, but labeling the shoes orphans or incorporating the way those in slavery are sold off and used.) Like, I said, the idea has a lot of promise, it just needs a little tweeking. Another idea would be talking about how you took them in and took care of them. "Comfort" in a word that is the applicable to shoe and friends. If I am trying to write something like this, I would probably try to think of how my crazy uncle might anthropomorphize ( to make something inanimate think like a human) and react to the loss of his favorite shoes. Instead of saying that you hadn't known them long(By the way, in my experience, four years for a pair of tennis shoes, depending on your age, and I kind of got the feeling this was a teenager for some reason, is a long time to wear the same tennis shoes), say that you knew them their entire lives and that you felt as though you had grown up to together, molded them, or possibly had in impact on them. I hope you find this helpful, and I hope you take the time to fine tune this a bit. I really do love the wording and the twist at the end and I think it has a lot of potential.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hlkasting
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 8:40pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
