This is a good story with a depressingly accurate depiction of life on the streets in the days before homeless shelters and social programs (and not too inaccurate even today). My only suggested changes would be to find some way to identify the city, presumably London, and to make Pox mure paranoid and suspicious when he hears Molly. Did she see his treasure? Will she betray him to someone strong enough to take it away? I do like the fact that you've done pretty well at catching the speech mannerisms of the day. A little more polish and this thing can really shine.
NotFrodo
This is a great story! It starts with a title that relates to the story without revealing the plot. I payed close attention to the first paragraph and found that it does a good job of evoking the feel of an earlier, simpler era. The idiosyncratic writing/grammar of the diary helps to create the image of an undereducated young girl struggling to survive in a desperate situation. The revelation about grandpa at the end is the perfect capper. Your writing seems to show a sophistication beyond your apparent age. Keep up the good work!
NotFrodo
The idea of telling the story from the viewpoint of the garden fork was a good one. The limited knowledge of the fork forces the readers to engage thier imagination and identify with Sam. Sams life is simple and straightforward without any improbabilities that would destract from the suspension of disbelief. I didn't notice any typos or grammatical mistakes. All in all this is about as close to perfect as a human endevor can be.
NotFrodo
This is a pretty good short essay on Arminius. Of course a thousand more pages (fiction or nonfiction) could be written on the whole Arminius/Varus episode, but you cver the facts quite well. Some people might complain that the opinions expressed were unacademic, but since this is not a scholarly publication, who cares? You do have some problems with grammar and spelling; some editing is in order. One point you didn't make is that Arminius is the Romanised version of a Germanic name. The original form was Hermann, which means 'Man of the Army'. That is what he would have called himself after breaking with the Romans. It is interesting to compare Hermann with Vlad Tepes (Count Dracula) and Moses. All three men had similar upbringings.
NotFrodo
What a wonderful ending twist! It was so subtle I had to read it a couple of times to get it. I enjoy stories like this that engage the imagination. I can't quite give it a five because the last few paragraphs do not relate well to the rest of the story. you need to throw in some tiny character quirk that can be repeated in the ending to indicate it is the same person. Even so this is a good idea, and well written
NotFrodo
Very nice! You have given a new, dark meaning to Aristotles concept of the soul mate.
It makes you wonder how it started way back when, and how they can ever break the cycle.
Not frodo
What a wonderful, creepy idea! It's the ultimate example of the "Evil Twin" metaphor. The notion of the vampire watching from the shadows as the twin grows and ages and goes through all those things the vamire can't experience is fascinating. This needs to be turned into a full length novel. you'd better hurry up and write it or I may beat you to it.
NotFrodo
Once again as with Billy the Kid. great minds think alike. The firts piece I posted on WDC was a poem called The Night Before Halloween. My piece was comedic and a closer parody of the original. The only reason I didn't give you a five was that I'm not a good enough poet to be sure I didn't miss something. I was impressed by your ability to find good rhymes.
NotFrodo
Great minds think alike. Between us we did a pretty good job oftelling the story of Billy the Kid as a woman. I think I probably got second because I included a lit of historical detail, but you did a better job of bringing out the local attitude toward Billy. Goood job!
NotFrodo
When I first looked at this I thought "This needs to be expanded.", but you did a good job of getting everything in concisely. I probably would have included more historical background such as information on how the Zimmerman telegram was discovered and comments on unrestricted submarine warfare. The piece is perfectly adequate as is, however. you left -ing off of tell in the next to last sentence. I wish I could write a piece with only one typo.
NotFrodo
Soldiers have always been pushovers for kids, especially Americans. One of the saddest scenes in the miniseries Band of Brothers shows a five year old boy tasting chocolate for the first time. You do a good job of describing the Normandy experience. Your description of removing the parachute is a little weak. The parachutes were designed to be removed by pushing a large button in the middle of the chest. If that jammed, as many did, he would cut canvas webbing, not nylon rope. Other than that, you've got a good story.
NotFrodo
There is a plaque at Thermopylae with a quote from King Leonidas. "Stranger, if you see the Spartans, tell them you found us here, doing our duty. Sometimes the Art of war comes down simply to dying well. You did a good job of describing such a situation. Technically, your poem is not quite perfect, but sometimes we must sacrifice perfection in order to speak from the heart. Besides, I couldn't have done any better.
NotFrodo
Hilarious. This has everything a parody should have. It is internally consistant, with generous helpings of absurdity and irreverence. It compares well with Harvard Lampoon's 'Bored of the Rings'. I want more!
NotFrodo
Don't be too discouraged by the low rating; this is not necessarily a bad story, it just needs a lot of work. To begin with, you need to edit for capitolization. That is quite common, and mostly has to do with typing skills. More importantly your paragraphs are way too long. You need to find a way to break them all into two paragraphs each. That will make your story much more readable.
My other idea requires more thought on your part. Your story is perfectly good as it is, but you might eventually want to fictionalise it a bit to make it even more horrible. Again, dont be discouraged, practice makes perfect.
Poetry is not my genre of choice. Therefore I am reluctant to give out five star ratings because I'm not sure what I might miss. This poem is technically good enough to satisfy me, and the content is right up my alley. I particularly like the style, which sounds very much like Rudyard Kipling. RK wrote about both soldiers and dogs, so I think he would have approved. Good job!
NotFrodo
This reminds me of the opening of the movie 'Dusk to Dawn'. If you are familiar with it, you know that it is as dark and violent a story as anyone could wish for. Yet throughout the are scenes of grim comedy that make it all the better. You speakof coedy as a bad thing. Not so. Life itself is often a comedy of errors. If I understand where you are going with this, dark comedy is both inevitable and appropriate. You need to do some editing for capitolization, but otherwis keep going. I want to see how the story develops.
NotFrodo
I nearly stopped reading this at the fifth paragraph. I knew what is coming and it is painful, so painful. As I feared, you did a wonderful job of evoking the false hope and the cruel disillusionment of the European jews. We all need to be reminded of this tragedy so that we canmake sure that it never happens again. Not to Jews, not to Serbs, not to Kurds, not to anyone. Well done!
NotFrodo
First, a confession. I am the badman who wrote the story that upset your mother. For that I apologize, although not for the story. This piece fell very topical to me because I just watched our Superbowl last night. Rugby is definately on my list of things to see more of. I can't find any flaws in your form or spelling, and you do a good job of telling your story in rhyme, which is generally beyond me.
NotFrodo
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/historian
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 12:32pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
